Back in Therapy after 6 years

[Digz]

The last month or two has been a pretty unhappy rollercoaster. Over the last 6 years I have been out of therapy, after having been in regular therapy for around 5 years. I felt strong and I had learned a lot of strategies that allowed me to manage my PTSD and DID by myself. It was good to be able to focus on my life in the present, my career as a teacher and my son and husband. But in the past months things have gone downhill. I have been very anxious and had a new flashback which I attempted to process and move through, but it didn't work. I had my first panic attack in around 8 years and now I've had several more. So, this week I had to make the call and start therapy because I felt I just wasn't getting through this without professional support.
It's hard not to feel, 'how did I get back here'? It's so angering to find myself dealing with this yet again. It's probably a bit self-indulgent, but at the moment I just feel so tired and fed up. It just seems a bit never-ending. :(

 

[Wendell_R]

It's probably a bit self-indulgent

We all deserve to get through life without high levels of anxiety.

Think of having PTSD and DID as if you had a bad back, or bad knees. After surgery or physical therapy, you learn to do strengthening and stretching exercises that stabilize your joints and keep you functional. You do them carefully for years, but then comes a time when you take a little fall, or you have to work extra long at something, and your back hurts, and your exercises don't seem to work as well. Then it's time to see the doctor or physical therapist again for a tune up. Your family is glad that you're taking care of yourself. The pain and frustration are real.

Therapy is the same. Having a new flashback plus all of us living through a stressful time is a lot to handle. I can see how this is very frustrating after spending so much time on it and thinking you are past the hard troubles. You know the path forward, though, and I think you'll find overcoming this challenge to be easier than the first go around.

 

[Movingforward10]

I agree with @Wendell_R , why is this self indulgent? Is that being punishing to yourself and dismissing or minimising what you're going through?
I'm sorry things are hard at the moment.
Things will get better again. You've done it before. You'll do it again.
Life is so tough right now and you've made a positive decision to go to therapy to help.
Sending you healing vibes.

 

[ladee]

But you aren't 'back here'. You are dealing with a specific flashback and memory. We don't unlearn or forget all we have learned and dealt with because of something surfacing that has to be dealt with.

And being self-caring enough to know you need help with this is proof of all the hard work and maintenance you've done to know when to ask for help. That in no way implies failure. It speaks loudly to your healing.

I'm so sorry that now, on top of everything else going on this had been added to your plate. But please don't add 'self-indulgent' to your plate. Rephrase that to say self-care.

You will be amazed at how fast you make progress with this added stress and memory. Sending hope and strength to you and respect for knowing when to ask for help.

 

[Digz]

Thank you so much guys, I think that was just what I needed. Understanding from those who know that it is okay to feel like this is hard and a bit horrid at the moment. I loved the comparison of the bad back, it just made me feel, 'Yeah, this is okay to feel this way'. I think one of the small negatives to having moved forward and been previously doing pretty well is that a lot of the people around you think, 'That's it, it's over, she's cured' and those outlooks I guess can have an impact on the way you feel about where you are at the moment. Well, I think it did with me. And I think you're right too, I'm not really back to where I started, that makes a lot of sense and when I stop to reflect on it amongst the high anxiety, my life is still a lot more functional than it was way back when I started. Back then I had to take two years off work, but at the moment I'm still working and looking after a family. Even therapy is a lot different, I used to spend a lot of the sessions silent and really struggle talking, trusting, saying what was on my mind, but my first session back wasn't like that at all. Thanks so much for your positivity, I think I really needed that and it makes me feel stronger today now I've got an improved view on where I'm at. :)

 

[ladee]

Many hugs to you @Digz!! You got this! Thinking of you and wishing all good things to come to you and much success on this part of your journey.

 

[Wendell_R]

You have a good perspective on where you are! Yes, I understand the 'That's it, it's over, she's cured' part--that's in my life, too. Good luck.