Bad day

[DharmaGirl]

I guess I just triggered myself somehow, because I can't stop thinking of my brother, who I lost to suicide in 2015. I listened to a song and now I don't know if I want to kill myself or paint the cabinets. I know that sounds glib, but if I paint the cabinets I have to concentrate, and maybe I will be able to crawl out of the blackness that has enveloped me. It is so hard though, to make myself do anything. I have to remember that it's not happening now, and the trauma I brought up in therapy last week is not happening now. I don't know if I can go through this again.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I decided to paint the cabinets, not that anyone cares.

 

[Tinyflame]

I do.

Not sure if this is helpful @DharmaGirl but from your post in another thread:

'I would have missed my son .. Now I am able to recognize and do the things I enjoy, I see value in life. ..I had no idea I would feel this way in the future.'

My hope is you will feel better again, and soon, despite the terrible pain you are feeling now.

Ps, I'm staining the fence..

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: Xox

 

[ladee]

Good for you painting the cabinets... and as far as anyone caring... I do things I have to do every single day that no one notices or cares about.... loosing a brother the way you did, that is so hard and so personal to deal with... but you chose to do something that is here and now this moment, which speaks volumes about your tenacity to hold on to the things that make a little bit of sense.... today.

I can not begin to imagine what you felt then or what you are feeling now... am very grateful you have a T to talk things out with.... because we can be here for you, I am here for you, but it's not face to face... This is a loss that will never make sense, and you will always have questions... but remaining here, doing this tough thing called 'life'... is a statement..... let that statement take on it's own meaning.... your personal meaning.... I am glad you decided to pain the cabinets. gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Lionheart]

I think you underestimate the number of people who care about you...

Still, I think you made a wise choice, painting the cabinets. What you are going through must be unimaginable tough and my heart goes out to you, for whatever that may be worth. It must have been difficult posting about this trigger and it's possible consequences. I hope you will continue to take extra good care of yourself.

Chat me up if ever you need a shoulder to lean on.

Peace,
Lion

 

[Deleted member 541]

You've done something productive. You changed the narrative in you head. Goof for you!!!! I hope the cabinets come out awesome too!!!!,

 

[DharmaGirl]

Thank you all for your responses. I hate when I get that way, but I did paint the cabinets. That helped me be mindful which helped me be in the present. I really appreciate everyone here and am so thankful for those who chose to respond. I am much better today, though yesterday was really tough. The mail pharmacy I use seems to have a problem getting my meds out, and it REALLY makes a difference in my life. I was in Klonopin withdrawl yesterday, but my meds finally came. I was cutting back anyway, since I had just seen my Pdoc and she agreed, but then I had to cut way back to less than half what I had been taking for years to have at least a little. Then I ran out of my SSRI because they wanted to "check" the script with my doc. I called them to let them know that when they hold up my meds, it has an extreme effect on me. Anyway, I got my meds yesterday, slept all night, so I should be fine.