Bad person didn't stop it

[Swift]

I was wondering if anyone else was bothered by feeling like they could have stopped their abuse.
Like, intellectually I know that abuse isn't stoppable.
But I feel like I should have stopped it?

 

[Gs172003]

All the time

 

[Still Standing]

That is a huge question, Swift. The answers are going to be varied, depending on individuals' experiences. In most pf my abuse, I had no say in the matter. But in one large ongoing event, I could have stopped it but the threat of further and harder consequences prevented me from stopping it until I was 12 years old. Then I had enough power in what was happening to have a say in the matter. So I guess I am a "yes" and '"no" responder to your question.

 

[Gs172003]

I was an adult so yes. I could have.

 

[blackemerald1]

It depends.. I don't think I could of stopped one event bc those that knew about the danger I was in did not tell me and then later denied they had knowledge that would have prevented it.

But I want to revisit history all the time and re-write it. But so far I have not had success. :banghead:

 

[somerandomguy]

I was wondering if anyone else was bothered by feeling like they could have stopped their abuse.

Yes.

 

[Sweetleaf]

All the time, @Swift

"I should have left the first time he hit me"
"I should have left when he told me about how he got with me for personal gain"
"I should have left when he broke the first bone I ever broke in my life"
"or the 2nd"
"or the..."
So on and so forth. I could go on and on, there are so many things that make me go "ugh! why the f*ck didn't I leave after that!?!!"

But I'm looking at it in hindsight - and all at once. The abuse didn't start out with me getting bones broken, having guns held to my head, etc. It started out as just manipulation, without any serious emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. He took his time. He built it up, he ramped up into the hardcore abuse. He made sure that I was sucked in hard enough to not leave, before he started doing the shit that would make others leave.

The thing is, by the time the abuse got to the "heavy" point, I wanted out so badly, I wanted out of the situation, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, because I was so afraid, and manipulated. I -wanted- out, but I could not do it, until his torture kept me awake until the point where I was driven literally f*cking insane. I had to be psychotic to free myself from that. For me, that really illustrates how strong of a grip he had on me - now -not- in control I was, in regards to freeing myself.

I also had never had any experience being abused by a partner. I never had experience living with a f*cking psycho. I never had been exposed to the sorts of things he did to manipulate me, I never had to deal with being hit by a partner, I never had to deal with any of that shit he did before. So, because I had never seen that kind of abuse first-hand, I fell into it more easily.

I am sure the same things apply to a whole lot of us.

 

[frogthroat]

If you're a child there's no way for you to stop your abuse. What are you going to do work full time and get your own place? You're totally helpless to the adults that feed, clothe, and shelter you. It's even worse if you were taught to respect and obey all adults no matter what.
When I feel this way I observe boys and girls in public that were in my age range when I first started being abused and I think there's nothing I could've done. He was like a grizzly bear attack and was manipulative as hell. He reacted to any attempts at self defense or escape with acts of pure violence and hatred. I was terrified. Hell, when I see a 18 year old even I think they're still puppers and have no idea what's going on yet.
My brother who's 28 now still blames himself for not being able to do anything to help me. He was 10 years old. He liked Bionicles and Xbox. His best friend and him would still talk about what moves they would have if they were a video game characters. Yet, he still acts like he was a grown ass man with a 5 o' clock shadow that had a full understanding of the situation at hand.
My point is guilt is a powerful thing and self guilt in that regard does no good. Kids are easily swayed. They need a strong foundation at home to be able to trust their gut instincts in the face of danger - especially with grooming.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I would have to agree with everything that @frogthroat said.

Most of my adult work experience has been in education, working in elementary schools. I also have a pretty good amount of experience with some reasonably well behaved middle schoolers (students had to be reasonably well behaved to keep going to that school). There's nothing I could have done as a child, to prevent what went on between me and my father.

No child is equipped to deal with abuse on their own. They rely on the adults that take care of them to make sure that nothing bad happens to them, and to provide them with a good upbringing.

You shouldn't look back at your child self's actions, or lack-of-action, etc. though the lens of your adult mind, and judge yourself on it - because you didn't have the mind you have now, back then. Back then, you were helpless in regards to stopping abuse. It doesn't matter what you did, what you went along with, etc.

I went along with what happened to me as a kid, for a long time. It is really hard to look back at that and not think badly about myself, in many ways. But, I know that I was helpless to stop it, and back then - I did not know what I know now, and I had been already set up and tested - my dad knew that I would keep secrets and never tell my mom.

 

[Freida]

This is where DV advoates come in handy. They are the ones who can help you understand how little control you had, how DV relationships work and how hard it is to get out. That's not to say that your T isn't able to do that also. But most DV advocates have been exactly where you are so they can give you advice from the "I was there" crowd. Which can sometimes help more than a professional who understands just the psychology of why it happens.

 

[Friday]

For sure. Most of it is fairly accurate in my case, though. Not all. Some there is literally nothing I could have done any differently.

But I have a wee bit of a tendency to inspire men to violence. As in my knee jerk is to deliberately provoke people. That? Is on me. They’re not blameless, but I also played my role & I own that very much. I have never been a... docile... target. Not unless I’ve rightly earned what’s coming to me, and then I don’t quantify it as abuse so much as earned punishment. Abuse I categorize in the done no harm -or- acted rightly and still harm follows. Shrug. Doesn’t mean I don’t beat myself up over it, even if I’d do the same again, and much more if I’d do things differently. Benefit of age & experience. It’s a difficult thing not to beat myself up for acting as I thought best at the time, even if it was a damn fool thing to do now. It’s both less and more difficult not to beat myself up for doing something I’d do just the same today, full well knowing the consequences.

I TRY to kick “what if” arguments in their balls. What if I’d...? Pfft. No way in hell to know what would happen. Maybe better. Maybe worse. Maybe just the same. The only thing I know for sure is what I did and those results. Everything else is pure fanstasy & bullshit.

 

[Sweetleaf]

But I have a wee bit of a tendency to inspire men to violence. As in my knee jerk is to deliberately provoke people.

I am going to say something to this: I am the same way, in that my humor streak is so strong, that in most arguments I start making jokes and often, I make the other person start to laugh. This can -REALLY- piss people off sometimes. Other times, it defuses the situation. But, with my abuser, and with many other people, it just kicked the hornets nest, even if it made them begin to chuckle, or smirk.

Other times, the humor streak goes towards the making-them-feel-even-angrier-intentionally side. Which obviously just stirs things up.

However: it's not our fault if people overreact to how we are. As long as someone keeps what they are doing -legal-, I'm fine with however much it pisses them off. People have pissed me off immensely, but I've never let it make me do anything like hit someone, or do anything illegal. Even if you stir the pot, even if you kick the hornet's nest, it's still not your fault if someone takes it too far in their reaction to that.