Bad Si Again

[Canotia]

Just under three months ago I had a serious suicide attempt. I was gradually, very gradually doing better. I was triggered this weekend and found myself starting to plan another way. I have starting to think I need to wait until after Christmas so my 16 & 19 year old can have that. I also feel that I am so messed up that they would be better off without me in the long run. I really do feel that way. I so badly don't want to hurt them, I just feel not having me in the world would be a good thing. I sat down and had dinner with the man I put in prison (for 9 years) sitting across from me and I thought, how could I have done that to him. When I was insulted by my mom, he told her to leave me alone. That's all I can manage right now.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Canotia welcome. I think t's really good you posted and if you have a T or other help to contact them now. I can only say for myself the 2nd try following the 1st (both serious) was much worse. But I told no one about either until here (about 25+ years later).

The real truth is it's a lie & your kids would be utterly devastated.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Welcome @Canotia ))):hug:
I know that you feel like your sons would be better off with you gone, but that is NOT true!
You LOVE them too much to abandon them, I'm SURE! It WOULD BE the worst kind of leaving, knowing that you CHOSE to leave them. PLEASE CHOOSE TO STAY and LOVE them!!!

Don't give up!!! Your boys LOVE you and NEED YOU! They would NEVER RECOVER from losing THEIR MOM! They would think that taking their own lives is an option. When you have kids, it is NOT AN OPTION! ASK them how they would feel...

:hug: You CAN LIVE, and LOVE ENOUGH TO STAY!!!:hug:
You are NOT ALONE!

 

[Canotia]

It's so hard, I do have such mixed emotions. I really do feel like a terrible person, the guilt is so bad. Yet, my kids, but they are older. Sucks, I don't really want to tell my therapist.

 

[Tinyflame]

When they're 80 you'll still be their mom & they'll still be 'your babies'/ kids, their ages are irrelevant. :hug:

It's a lie because we all feel that at these such times.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't really want to tell my therapist.

Maybe start with your title, tell them "I have bad SI again".

:hug:

 

[Canotia]

That's a really good idea, maybe I can pass a note, I'm serious

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

It's TRUE! No matter how old they are, they only have ONE MOM!!! They deserve for you to be here...for their weddings...to be a
grandma to their children!

It's a LIE, to think that they would be okay.
EVERY memory of you would be shattered. They would wonder how they could have helped, what they could have said...

I KNOW it takes strength and courage to stay, but you MUST!!! Don't listen to the lies of your sad heart, mind, and soul.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

ABSOLUTELY, hand them a note, because the words are SO HARD TO SAY! Print out your post...if you can...and let them read it. You MATTER! You deserve to get better!!!

 

[Tinyflame]

Sure a note is a wonderful idea. :tup: (Don't feel bad, I'm not able to be very verbal about many things, either. Except for maybe answering questions. :hug: )

 

[Canotia]

you both are very sweet

 

[Tinyflame]

Ps, I hope I'm not abandoning you to leave for now, I'm just sick to my stomach with tiredness & worry. You are in my thoughts & prayers, if that's ok.

Just saw- thank you. You sound very sweet too. :)