Relationship Bad Spouse? Me And My Vet Quarelling, Actually I Quarrel He Tunes Me Out

[I'll make tea]

Well, I have been in high spirits for a view days. Just happy because my husband is being the lovely guy that he is, a great daddy and does so many things to show me he loves me (his love language being acts of service). I vowed that I would not complain about his fear of crowds / him not taking me places anymore + that I would try to see the nice side of life.

Well... and then we had an argument about something really silly.
He had not slept well that night. Both of us were pretty tired. You know what the first thing is he always does when he had a bad night? He does complain about the coffee. Always. I got used to it but it still makes me angry. He nit-picked about the coffee, I sucked it up... later that day we were having fun together and everything was great... but then suddenly he complained about the food I was cooking, said he could not eat it, basically because it was uneadable . He said "You know I hate that dish, why do you keep cooking it?", casting me as the bad one. I do not prepare that dish very often but sometimes I do because I happen to like it.
He went upstairs, when dinner was ready he said he was not going to eat it and not going to come down.

Well... I used to cook for my siblings, I often cook for friends, so far nobody but him has complained about my food....

and I was getting ANGRY, really, really ANGRY, told him he was behaving like a three year old and called him names and said several hurtful things. I did that in front of our toddler. He said nothing but tuned me out, stopped the conversation and stared.

Later I told him I was sorry he said "Me too" and we made our peace again.

My question: Do things like this happen in your house too... is it normal or are we just crazy, childish and bad? I really want your honest opinion.

 

[amethist]

I would pass it off as him having a bad day after a bad night.

My husband can get picky when this happens and I just let it pass most times. The times he pushes me too far I let fly at him amd tell him how it is.

We can all get picky with out PTSD, so I would let it go as one of those times.

 

[I'll make tea]

Was my reaction okay?

I felt like "both of us are pretty crazy and bad" or is it just normal life (as the wife of a Vet, or life in general) sometimes is like that? Both hubby and wife acting like jerks.

 

[amethist]

We all act like jerks at times and as long as you both know it was just one of those days, I would not worry about it.

I get angry at my husband and then see the other side of it. Sometimes I am right and sometimes I have over reacted.

The next time he storms off, try just leaving him to deal with it and see what happens.

 

[grey eyes]

Trust me, its normal. Minor . You spend better time making your husbend a sandwich than worrying.

 

[grey eyes]

Would you like to hear about how bad you could be? I have complex PTSD with a ever increasing list of other disorders. My husband who has been my white knight for 20 years has suffered and been victimized, tormented and physically attacked by me.I have smashed, broken and made our lives hell. Why? Because I'm a coward. Because I cant stop drinking. I have turned into my mother. She was not a good person. My father never complained about his dinner as he knew that later he would be raping his own child.

Your problems should now have disappeared.

 

[a3a2]

Dear "I'll make tea",

I think it is pretty normal, but it can get easier. My h and I have "learned how to fight". We use a lot of "I feel" statements and active listening. I also try to make gentle physical contact when quietly confronting him. For example:

H: Why can't you make a decent cup of coffee?!

W: (gently putting hand on H's back) "It sounds like you are having a really rough morning. Is there anything I can do to help?

Or

W: I feel really bad when you criticize my coffee (said gently), could you show me how you would like it to be made?

I find, because my h is usually a pretty reasonable person, this usually brings out the real reason for him being crabby. And an apology.

BTW, I am the ptsd sufferer.

And, these won't work if you are married to a psychopath.

 

[I'll make tea]

Thanks very much for your answers :)

He has been criticizing my coffee before. After he had had a bad night he sometimes just seems to seek something to complain about like the coffee, just the jam he wanted not being in the fridge, the house not being up to his OCD standards (we have a toddler), something minor.

Later I have talked with him, told him that it made me feel bad. He said "Okay, I must stop doing that now"... well he is still doing it. Not always, only sometimes. Most of the time he is pretty nice.... but he can be pretty irrational then. I could do whatever I wanted with the coffee. I could be perfect, he would still find a reason to complain.

When he acts like a jerk however I do not know what to do and overreact.

I should have learned by now that when he has a certain kind of pokerface he IS going to nag about something and he IS always going to find something.... and actually I should not mind it because that is what he does when he has had a crappy night...
Hubby might be pretty proud of his lack of facial expression but I can read him.


+ there are certain foods he just HATES. I think I wrote in my other thread about that. If it wasn't for me he would live on fries and chocolate. Typically he eats what I serve him though he often skips eating at work and never tells you "I am hungry". He says he just forgets about eating... but there are foods he just detests... which is pretty odd for a grown-up man... but it was a bad idea to cook one of those dinners when he was having a bad day.

 

[Sighs]

Don't be so hard on yourself! Yes, you know its his PTSD and he had a bad night etc etc and if you were perfect you wouldn't have got hurt or angry etc, but you're a human being too. If I am in a good place I can cope with being told to f*** off because I know he doesn't mean that - he's just venting. But if I am not feeling too good then I might react. Sometimes my reaction escalates things but sometimes it causes him to immediately apologise because he can see he has really upset me.

All you can do is the best you can do - take it day by day!