Other Bad time of the year

[Deleted member 34561]

And now I have to get through it clean of drugs and mostly sober. f*cking great lol. My feelings are bubbling up inside of me today after I repressed them for so many years. Yesterday I had the misfortune of running into a former abuser in town which was bloody triggering to say the least. He smirked at me and I felt like smashing his f*cking ugly mug in the bastard. This Sunday it is my cousins birthday. I haven't seen him in almost 17 years since my dad's funeral. Another family member gone by the wayside thanks to him believing my mum's poisonous lies over my truth. Ugh it makes me want to bloody puke.

Then next Thursday the 9th it's my mum's birthday. I haven't seen or spoken to her for 14 years. This morning I woke up so f*cking angry at her if she had been stood in front of me I would have killed her with my bare hands in cold blood. The worrying thing is I would feel no guilt or remorse for it.

After her sexual abuse of me aged 3 and then her sexually abusing both my older brothers then putting them onto me so she wouldn't get caught by my dad or another adult at them herself and her sexual abuse of my eldest kid plus how she and my brothers turned and used the rest of the family against me to discredit isolate and ultimately destroy me in such a cold hearted calculated way as to ensure her own survival and my brothers survival too plus the fact that my eldest kid has gone back to her and abandoned me because he deems me to be irrelevant damaged and useless because I have no money and she is loaded I don't think anyone could blame me for feeling the way I do towards her that evil depraved sick twisted selfish f*cking bitch.

God help me I f*cking HATE her. I honestly don't know how she lives with herself knowing what she's done. Well I guess I do know really. Denial twisting and projection. Oh yes my mum is a narcissist alright. The worst I've ever known. That word is bandied about so much these days to describe various people who piss other people off but it really is so true in my mum's case. I've never known anyone so arrogant and entitled and so in love with themselves as her. Nor as manipulative or downright Machavellian as her.

I had to cut off from her for the sake of my very sanity all those years ago because her behaviour was just so crazy making. The worst thing is she thinks the way she acts and speaks is perfectly acceptable. But if anyone dares to challenge her about it their card is marked and she will always find a way to punish them usually by assassinating their character in other people's eyes and minds. Anything so other people will look at her victim and hate and reject them instead of looking at her hating and rejecting her.

Oh I know she has all the emotional maturity of a 3 year old but that's what makes her so dangerous and toxic. I've never got over what she has done to me and my eldest kid. And I never will. She would have abused my youngest kid as well if I hadn't got us away from her when I did.

She was no bloody mother to me. Oh she pushed me out of her c*nt 48 years ago fed me clothed me put a roof over my head but she never loved me cared about me protected me or even wanted me. She didn't want a little girl you see. I was too much like competition in her warped mind. In fact I would even go so far as to say that she abused me and allowed me to be abused by others BECAUSE I was a little girl.

I don't know how she justifies what she's done to me to herself or anyone else. Frankly I don't care. All I know is that I was her scapegoat her punch bag her emotional garbage can her sex object all rolled into one. The one she hated and punished so she didn't have to hate and punish herself. I don't know how or why I have managed to survive her extreme narcissistic abuse of me. There must be a reason for it but on days like today what with the pain I'm feeling I am clueless.

I was going to write her a letter but I know she would only see my hand writing on the envelope and file it inside the bin. She's been ignoring me since the day I was born so why should she take any notice of me now? As far as she's concerned I'm dead to her and anyway it's a job well done because I'm destroyed in her eyes. She won the war she started between us when I was born. I am defeated vanquished and beaten to a pulp. And utterly worthless to her because I'm no use to her.

She can't take any pride in me and big herself up because how I turned out because of her abuse of me. She just thinks I was born useless and worthless not comprehending she made me that way with what she and the others did to me. She never saw me as a separate person only ever as an extension of herself and when I showed her up as a crap parent in my childhood and adolescence that's when she totally disconnected from me. I don't even think we were properly connected to begin with. She didn't want to be.

I was talking to my next door neighbour about my mum only the other day and this lady asked me if I ever missed her. I said how can you miss something you never had? My mum showed me not warmth concern or affection when I was growing up. She never taught me anything worthwhile and she never encouraged in anything. She just expected me to be perfect to compensate for her own considerable imperfections. And she would come down on me like a tonne of f*cking bricks if I didn't measure up to her impossible standards.She saw me as a mirror to reflect her fake greatness and when I reflected the truth about herself back to her she hated and hurt me because of it.

My mum was so jealous and spiteful towards me and about me to other people behind my back. When I told social services about her abuse of me and my brothers abuse of me too growing up she told them I was only making it up and lying about it because I was jealous of them because I have a shit life and they all have good lives. I told the social worker the reason I even have a shit life at all is because of what they all did to me and they started out as the jealous ones if anything but they denied that jealousy twisted it round and projected it onto and into me so that I would carry it and feel it so they didn't have to. And that because of how they stole everything and everyone off me through their abuse of me because they felt inadequate and less than me to begin with if I did feel jealous now is it any bloody wonder? Because now they have everything and I've got f*ck all. But it started out the other way round. Evil f*ckers.

Now I don't feel jealous at all. Just so f*cking angry about being violated and abused like that by my mum and brothers to that severe degree. And now they've managed to steal my eldest kid away from me and above all else it's that I can't forgive. He doesn't even realise he's only being used and my mum is only bankrolling his music career so that when he becomes rich and famous she can bask in his reflected glory and she can take all the credit for it because once again she sees him as an extension of herself and it makes her look good if he does well in life.

My eldest kid had better not put a foot wrong else he'll find himself on the receiving end of her abuse and rejection again just like his mum ME before him. Silly little fool doesn't understand he's trauma bonded with his grandmother and brainwashed into thinking she cares about him because she chucks money at him left right and centre. He's lost in her Matrix and doesn't even know it. I did war him what would happen if he resumed contact with her 7 years ago but my lad took no notice of me. Oh well on his head be it. I'll be there for him when it all goes Pete Tong. What else can I do as his mum?

And that brings me neatly to the 3rd and final trigger in November. The anniversary of my eldest kid going into foster care on the 25th. It will be 19 years ago now. Something my mum could have prevented happening but actually made happen because of her sexual abuse of him that me and my ex partner got the blame for plus the fact we admitted to hitting him one time only each because we were so stressed out what with me suffering severe clinical depression as part of the C-PTSD and my eldest kid playing us up with his naughty behaviour with us his parents not knowing why he was even behaving like that at all at the time. But my mum knew why the evil bitch she f*cking engineered it that way. She even got my eldest kid to tell the social worker that it was me and his step dad who fiddled him not her as it really was. To avoid being arrested for it herself and to cause trouble for us because I had told social services about her abuse of me as a kid as well as my brothers abuse of me too. Because my partner and I had already admitted to hitting my eldest kid the social worker naturally assumed we were also guilty of molesting him when we really weren't. We were refused contact with my eldest kid for a whole year after he went into care. It got much worse but I won't repeat myself so please refer to my other post Social services horror story on the Miscellaneous board for the full sorry saga.

So it's going to be a difficult month for me as it always has been but more so now all my emotions are coming to the fore now I'm cannabis free and mostly alcohol free too. I don't have much support in real life for all this horrible stuff apart from my new key worker at the local drug and alcohol clinic. I had a meeting with her in my home two days ago and all she could say was that my past didn't have to dictate my future. I tried to tell her about how my mum and brothers and social services have ruined my life and my kids lives as well but she didn't seem that interested about my side of things regarding social services. If anything she seemed on the side of social services. I suppose she is part of the Establishment like my old GP who stupidly thinks the professionals never get it wrong or more likely knows full well they get it wrong all the bloody time but like the rest of them blames the victims just to cover up their own negligence incompetence dishonesty and culpability. It all seems like a conspiracy of silence to me. And I'm bloody fed up with it. But there's f*ck all I can do. I have no means monetary or psychological to fight all these bastards and it would be a total waste of time and energy to even try because I'm out numbered and anyway they have all the power. It's so bloody depressing. And so bloody debilitating.

Well that's my rant over for today peeps lol. Looks like I wrote a bloody novel there too lol. If you got this far well done lol. I'm going to have my breakfast now and take the dog for a long walk to try to work some of this angst off. I can't do anything else really.

Support positive suggestions advice and feedback welcome. Thanks for the vent space I needed that today.

Cheers

Crazydiamond47

 

[Eliza]

Hello!

Sending support and positivity your way! There's not much I can offer in terms of advice, only that you seem to be doing the right thing in cutting down on alcohol and cutting out cannabis - well done on that! :hug: It also sounds like you're doing well in walking off some of the angst and letting it out online - it's what we're here for! I can't imagine what you're going through, it must be super rough.

Try to remember that you have made it through this time of year before - many times over, and you will make it through again.

I struggle with winter too (not in the same way as you, but I have seasonal affective disorder, which just makes me feel horrendous, and helpless and like I'll never be happy again). But I remember that I have made it through 25 winters before and come out the other side, and you will too. You're a survivor - you have survived before and you will survive again. #winterwarrior

Keep talking, keep ranting if you need to - I'm listening. :hug:

 

[Freida]

Wow. You are amazing just to survive all that. And that you are committed to doing it clean and sober? That is fabulous!!

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Hey thanks you two for the support and validation. Yes I really am one of life's survivors but holy cow it sure ain't easy sometimes. And I really want to go from surviving to thriving. I have lost everything and everyone in my life because of all this abuse and my kids too. My youngest kid's story is just as horrific as my eldest kid's is.

Former friends of mine abused her and got her to blame her dad to me. He had left us the week before she made this false allegation because of my cheating with another bloke and the fights we were having because of it. So me and her dad weren't getting on and these former friends of mine took full advantage of the situation to get my youngest kid to place the blame elsewhere for what they themselves had done to her in exactly the same way my mum stitched me and my youngest kids dad up over my eldest.

So I called the police and next thing I knew was my youngest was also taken from me. Her dad was arrested and of course he protested his innocence from the off. It got as far as a crown court trial. My former friends had both given statements to the police which they then retracted a month before the trial. They were mother and teenaged son. Then the mum withdrew from giving evidence at court citing mental illness as to the reason why. A week before the trial. There was only one witness left for the prosecution and that was me and by then I was a hostile witness because I'd figured out what had really happened.

My youngest took the stand and admitted they had lied and made it all up because she had been forced to do so by the real abusers. There was no other evidence to prove she had been abused by my partner her dad. She even asked the judge if she could come home to us now she had been honest. The trial then collapsed and the judge ordered the jury to acquit her dad of all charges against him. But social services and the police weren't happy with the outcome.

They even blamed me for 'leading' my youngest into 'recanting' her false allegation of abuse. But I was always supervised on contact with her once she was in care and would never have done any such thing anyway. But it had become a witch hunt by then. Both organisations had it in for me and my partner my youngests dad. Because of how we had wiped the floor with the social services in court over my eldest kid because not only did the judge criticise them over their failings with him but we also got the social worker responsible for most of those failings sacked. They didn't like that so when things went wrong with my youngest they had a bloody field day with us.

Care proceedings followed the crown court trial during which social services tried to pressure me into giving up my youngest kid for adoption. They even took it before an adoption panel who found that my youngest was 'emotionally unavailable' for adoption because as far as she was concerned she already had a forever mum and dad ie me and my partner and wanted desperately to come home to us. Once again we were assessed by the same child and adolescent psychiatrist who had assessed us over my eldest kid 6 years before and once again he told the judge we hadn't abused our daughter. However he recommended long term foster care again because of my mental illness and no family support but for us to have plenty of unsupervised contact with each other my eldest son included.

Once again the social services got their full Care Order and once again they stitched me and my partner up because once the judge and the family court was out of the way they refused us unsupervised contact on the grounds they believed my partner really had abused our daughter. Once again we went back to our solicitors only to be told to 'work with' social services and that we had no grounds to challenge them in court because by our own admission we both had problems with drink and drugs by then so it wasn't safe for our daughter to have unsupervised contact with us. At this point my partner walked away from our daughter as do 90% of parents of kids in care because he was angry and disgusted at being treated like a criminal around our daughter when he had proved in two courts of law that he was innocent of abusing her and innocent of abusing his step son my eldest kid.

That was ten years ago now and in that time social services have successfully brainwashed and alienated our daughter against both of us her parents. She told me aged 14 she repeatedly told them her dad hadn't hurt her and that she wanted to see him. They kept telling her he had really hurt her and no she couldn't see him. By the time she was 16 social services had completely broken our daughter down and had her believing a pack of lies about me and her dad.

She spouted these lies to me 4 years ago at Christmas and then cut off from me when I angrily challenged her about it. All attempts on my part at resolving the situation and reconciling with my youngest have failed. She now believes she is a man in a woman's body and has been living as a trans man for 4 years since we parted company. She has even changed her name from Miss to Mr and is having testosterone therapy and is also having 'top' surgery ie a double mastectomy soon with a view to having complete gender reassignment surgery after that. I wouldn't have minded if she had told me all this herself but she didn't and neither did social services.

I found out all this quite by accident last year when a letter came through the post from social services addressed to my youngest in her new male name. I Googled her and found her on Facebook and got the shock of my bloody life. I messaged her and she is still spouting all this delusional shit about me and her dad. She rejected me yet again on her birthday that year and it along with a couple of other huge stressors triggered my own delusions and psychosis which I have only recently come out of thanks to giving up pot and cutting the booze right back. She actually had me believing the lies social services had brainwashed her with about my partner her dad. She reckons the fights we had f*cked her up because that's what social services have programmed her with. Once again to have control of her and the situation and because of what happened with my eldest kid there's also more than a smidgen of revenge thrown in there for good measure.

I contacted her recently and she is still believing the lies. I know she is angry with her dad for not staying in her life and for not protecting her from the real abusers who by the way got away with what they did to her because social services and the police knew at the time they wouldn't be able able to make any charges against those c*nts stick because the mum was sick in the head and the son was mentally retarded with learning difficulties. So me and my partner have taken the fall and the rap for what other people did to hurt both my kids and the real abusers ie my mum in my eldest kids case and my former friends in my youngest kid's case have bloody well got away with it and the social services and the police are just as much to blame for not doing their jobs properly and for f*cking up both my kids and f*cking up the relationships between us all.

With no bloody hope in f*cking hell of any redress. As it stands I don't think I'm ever going to see either of my now grown up kids ever again until such a time when they both wake up to bloody reality. And frankly I don't fancy their chances because it's obvious they both have severe psychological problems but of course me and my partner are blamed for all of that too. It may take decades if it ever happens at all by which time it will be too bloody late. I've got physical health problems as well as the mental health side and my partner isn't well either and we're both knocking on a bit being middle aged and having had very hard lives. I

t's an absolute f*cking disgrace what's happened to us all and nobody in Authority wants to be accountable for any of it. Heads should bloody well roll but they won't. As always the victims have to carry the can and pay the price for everyone else's f*ck ups. It's just not right and it ain't bloody fair or just. I just hope Him Upstairs sorts the f*ckers out. After all He doesn't pay His debts in money.

Oh well another rant over. It's good to get it off your chest eh. Especially if your chest is f*cked with COPD like mine is. Sigh.