A Soldiers Poet
New Here
There are so many different layers to my current situation that I know I am going to be long winded but I have to get this out. I am in pain. Please bare with me and I pray I get some insight here.
I met "him" at the community center I grew up in as a child. My teenage daughters started going there and one day my daughter said she was having an issue with the person in charge. I went in to have a meeting with him and a witness, during the meeting I was extremely upset about his choice of words in front of youth.
I laid down the expectations of holding yourself accountable when you have an misunderstanding with a child. I began volunteering in the center doing poetry workshops. I couldn't stand him and avoided him as much as possible. He tried to engage me in conversation and flirted hard. I avoided.
He decided to leave the community center and I took his position. While training me he let it be known he was into me. I resisted. Once he left the job we texted periodically, I wouldn't respond for days at a time. That frustrated him. He wanted me and I refused. He remained consistent, not too pushy but let me know he wasn't going to stop. I remained distant because of my own issues with men.
I knew he was a Vet. He was older. I decided months later to have dinner with him, he treated me like a queen. I was still on the run from him, he went to my boss and asked her to help him convince me he was the one for me. I took flight, he stayed on my heels. He wasn't begging but he was very certain we were meant to be. I was having a poetry show and he attended. I spoke to him but still was distant.
A few weeks later I went to his place for wine and peace of mind. I am a poet, he was a solider. I'm rebellious, he is structure and by the book. I fight, he flights. Once we got intimate we ended up talking for hours. He told me his story. He has PTSD and gets VA benefits. I was clueless. I am a mom of four teenage daughters and I was falling for someone with PTSD. I knew very little about it, I researched. I became concerned with what was next. I ran. He came after me, he begged. He popped up at my job. I gave back in. He swept me off my feet, told me, he got me. I felt free. I felt peace. He was my balance.
A month into bliss I had a death in the family. I checked out, I got depressed. I was spending just about every night with him, he got me through it. One day there was a knock on his door, he told me it was another woman that liked him. I asked him was he in another relationship, he denied, I asked him did she think they were in a relationship, he came clean. I was devastated. I was blind sided. I took flight, he wouldn't let me go. I couldn't let go, it was like God answered my prayers with him. He asked me to give him time to fix it, that he had already ended things but she was suicidal. I stepped back. He fixed things and made promises. I took his word.
Here we are a year later....a very trying year later *sighs* I performed at a show over the weekend. Was feeling great. We were ok. I met his kids and although he didn't attend the show he supported me behind the scenes as always. I didn't stay with him for a few nights after the who because I have learned to not drain him and give him space, I called one morning. No answer. I texted later no response. I received a pic of his twins from their mom and some messages thanking me for being there for him and their kids. Made me smile even though I hadn't talked to him and was almost sure he had a trigger.
During past experiences he told me to always reach out but to not too pushy. I asked was he good, he finally responded and I attacked. It was hurtful. I told him I was not going to keep going through this or chase him down, I didn't sign up for this. That same day I saw him leaving from the direction of the other woman's house. I just so happened to be outside my job and its so close. He wasnt talking to me before hand. I asked him what was up, he got defensive and arrogant. He told me he was cutting her sons hair and he didn't have to explain his self. He walked off. I cried. I texted. I called. He ignored. I asked him was he cheating on me, he refused to answer. Told me to come get my stuff from his house and that we were over. I zapped out.
The next day I get to work and he is there smiling at everyone talking like all is well...i once again zap out. I followed him for a block in tears crying. He told me he was a man and free to do what he wanted said he didn't tell me he remained in contact just to cut the kids hair cause id never understand. I felt betrayed.
He swears he is pushing me away to protect me, he can't engage because he is going through his "thing" I went to his house to pick up my things and i once again pushed. He told me I wasnt what he expected and he packed everything I gave him so I would have a reason to come back. I cried. He was cold. I left. I've heard from family of his that he speaks so highly of me. I can't escape the feeling of betrayal. I feel like he owes me an apology, he wont engage at all now. I feel like I caught him and he is avoiding to not have to feel guilt. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm having the hardest time focusing. I've been crying for days.
He told me before that he can speak to other people when going through it but not to me because I'm the closest to him. im his stressor. But the betrayal of keeping another woman in the shadows must play a part in his guilt. He has been saying for awhile he has some decisions to make now my mind is wondering if he was looking for a way out with me to go be with the woman he never claimed in the first place.
Now I'm battling with myself, feeling insecure and abandoned. It's a struggle. I don't know what to do but wait....
I met "him" at the community center I grew up in as a child. My teenage daughters started going there and one day my daughter said she was having an issue with the person in charge. I went in to have a meeting with him and a witness, during the meeting I was extremely upset about his choice of words in front of youth.
I laid down the expectations of holding yourself accountable when you have an misunderstanding with a child. I began volunteering in the center doing poetry workshops. I couldn't stand him and avoided him as much as possible. He tried to engage me in conversation and flirted hard. I avoided.
He decided to leave the community center and I took his position. While training me he let it be known he was into me. I resisted. Once he left the job we texted periodically, I wouldn't respond for days at a time. That frustrated him. He wanted me and I refused. He remained consistent, not too pushy but let me know he wasn't going to stop. I remained distant because of my own issues with men.
I knew he was a Vet. He was older. I decided months later to have dinner with him, he treated me like a queen. I was still on the run from him, he went to my boss and asked her to help him convince me he was the one for me. I took flight, he stayed on my heels. He wasn't begging but he was very certain we were meant to be. I was having a poetry show and he attended. I spoke to him but still was distant.
A few weeks later I went to his place for wine and peace of mind. I am a poet, he was a solider. I'm rebellious, he is structure and by the book. I fight, he flights. Once we got intimate we ended up talking for hours. He told me his story. He has PTSD and gets VA benefits. I was clueless. I am a mom of four teenage daughters and I was falling for someone with PTSD. I knew very little about it, I researched. I became concerned with what was next. I ran. He came after me, he begged. He popped up at my job. I gave back in. He swept me off my feet, told me, he got me. I felt free. I felt peace. He was my balance.
A month into bliss I had a death in the family. I checked out, I got depressed. I was spending just about every night with him, he got me through it. One day there was a knock on his door, he told me it was another woman that liked him. I asked him was he in another relationship, he denied, I asked him did she think they were in a relationship, he came clean. I was devastated. I was blind sided. I took flight, he wouldn't let me go. I couldn't let go, it was like God answered my prayers with him. He asked me to give him time to fix it, that he had already ended things but she was suicidal. I stepped back. He fixed things and made promises. I took his word.
Here we are a year later....a very trying year later *sighs* I performed at a show over the weekend. Was feeling great. We were ok. I met his kids and although he didn't attend the show he supported me behind the scenes as always. I didn't stay with him for a few nights after the who because I have learned to not drain him and give him space, I called one morning. No answer. I texted later no response. I received a pic of his twins from their mom and some messages thanking me for being there for him and their kids. Made me smile even though I hadn't talked to him and was almost sure he had a trigger.
During past experiences he told me to always reach out but to not too pushy. I asked was he good, he finally responded and I attacked. It was hurtful. I told him I was not going to keep going through this or chase him down, I didn't sign up for this. That same day I saw him leaving from the direction of the other woman's house. I just so happened to be outside my job and its so close. He wasnt talking to me before hand. I asked him what was up, he got defensive and arrogant. He told me he was cutting her sons hair and he didn't have to explain his self. He walked off. I cried. I texted. I called. He ignored. I asked him was he cheating on me, he refused to answer. Told me to come get my stuff from his house and that we were over. I zapped out.
The next day I get to work and he is there smiling at everyone talking like all is well...i once again zap out. I followed him for a block in tears crying. He told me he was a man and free to do what he wanted said he didn't tell me he remained in contact just to cut the kids hair cause id never understand. I felt betrayed.
He swears he is pushing me away to protect me, he can't engage because he is going through his "thing" I went to his house to pick up my things and i once again pushed. He told me I wasnt what he expected and he packed everything I gave him so I would have a reason to come back. I cried. He was cold. I left. I've heard from family of his that he speaks so highly of me. I can't escape the feeling of betrayal. I feel like he owes me an apology, he wont engage at all now. I feel like I caught him and he is avoiding to not have to feel guilt. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm having the hardest time focusing. I've been crying for days.
He told me before that he can speak to other people when going through it but not to me because I'm the closest to him. im his stressor. But the betrayal of keeping another woman in the shadows must play a part in his guilt. He has been saying for awhile he has some decisions to make now my mind is wondering if he was looking for a way out with me to go be with the woman he never claimed in the first place.
Now I'm battling with myself, feeling insecure and abandoned. It's a struggle. I don't know what to do but wait....
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