Basically i suck

[Uhuk]

So, I was just told by a friend that I can come across as "high and mighty". The stupid, needy part of me wants to make a post, that's not anonymous, apologizing. Except I recognize I'm in a really shitty space right now and I suspect I would hate myself later for myself. Because it would be manipulation wouldn't it?

I mean, I do feel sorry. I also feel defeated and consumed by self-hate. But what would the point of posting be. People would perhaps reassure me that I wasn't, but I'd just feel like I manipulated those repsonses. And if people kindly told me I do sometimes come across as high and mighty I'd just hate myself more.

So why am I posting at all? Because this is what I do. A well worn pattern. A friend of mine with PTSD referss to it as apologizing for my existence. She does it too. And besides, posting is probably better than thinking about jumping off a bridge, right?

I mean, if I am high and might, I want to know so I can change. I told her I just thought I was teasing and she said she doesn't like being teased about that subject. Ok, now I know. I didn't know. And why is it another relationship where I'm always wrong? When the f*ck do I get to be the right person? When do I get to be the one who's feelings are hurt. Why can she always give me her advice and opinion, but when I do it I'm high and mighty?

And ok, I can see her point. I am sarcastic (is that the same as high and mighty?). What does "high and mighty" really mean? I will totally own sarcastic. I know that can be a problem and I try to use my sarcasm appropriately. I try not to be a horrible person. I really do.

 

[Befuse]

How exactly did the friend tell you that you act “high and mighty”...? My guess is in a not so nice way? Is it possible that this is all about them and how they feel inferior, and not so much about the way you act?

 

[Uhuk]

We were talking via messenger so tone was missing. I was telling her how I made someone mad, which I almost never do. She does it fairly often. I thought she'd find the story amusing. I guess I should have known she'd feel compelled to give me her opinion/advice. She always does. So she told me I come across as high and mighty.

At the same time, we were also talking about the weather. She was saying how she hated the current weather. She mentioned how we don't get that much here and then mentioned where she used to live and how there weather was less bad. I had said, "But this isn't <town name> and climate change is happening, so you are going to be screwed more often." That's all and she said that was an example of me being high and might. She then compared me to a person she works with who she complains about all the time and mentioned how she doesn't like that person.

 

[Uzec]

Ouch. Is this possibly a frenemy?

 

[Uhuk]

I'm not really sure what a frenemy is?

 

[Ile]

It’s actually okay for our friends to not like all of our personality traits.

Doesn’t make us a bad person, doesn’t mean we have no good qualities (if that were true, they wouldn’t be your friend).

they are your friend, suggesting there’s a lot of things about you they really like. They also seem to feel comfortable enough in that friendship to share this with you. So, how many things that this person does like about you have you disregarded because of this one quality that they don’t like so much?

You could hate them for their honesty. You could disregard all of the reasons they do like you. Or, you could take it in your stride, acknowledging (as you have done) that you don’t mesh with all of this person’s personality traits either - which seems pretty normal and healthy to me.

 

[Uzec]

A frenemy is a friend-enemy. Someone who is a “friend” in name, but you always have to watch your back around them because you never know their next backhanded move.

Not liking all of your friends traits?

Normal.

Pointing out the traits you don’t like?

That’s just plain bitchy.

 

[Uzec]

It’s actually okay for our friends to not like all of our personality traits.

Doesn’t make us a bad person, doesn’t...

Being a bitch is normal and healthy?!?

I’m so glad you’re not my friend!

 

[Uzec]

Being a bitch is normal and healthy?!?

In reference to the OPs situation.

 

[Uhuk]

Ok, so reading all the posts. I guess, it did take me by surprise that the friend told me I was "high and mighty" and people don't like to be schooled and said nothing at all about the other person involved in the conversation.

I guess more information would help? Earlier I was with a group of people and someone, who I don't really know, made a comment. The person isn't from this area. I said that around here that comment could be taken as homophobic and the person got all pissed off and left. So, I guess I felt I was within my rights and really didn't expect to be criticized from my friend. Even if I was wrong, when my friend has told me about arguments she's had with other people, I don't tell her she comes across as rude and opinionated (she does sometimes). Maybe if she asked for advice I would say something. And when she's told me about arguments where she knows she's in the wrong, I usually say something like "oops". I don't feel the need to tell her what she's done wrong.

So, I guess part of why I was so upset is I didn't expect and felt like I got chewed out when I didn't deserve it. As much as I say I felt I didn't do anything wrong when I was hanging out with that group and said that the comment was homophobic, I guess I do feel like I did wrong. I mean, I was insulted by the comment that had been made, but I tried to give the benefit of the doubt to the person by nicely saying "Around here that would be taken as homophobic", but since someone got upset, it must be my fault. Right? Or at least, I could have done it better. Since she gave the example about the weather of me being high and mighty, I figured I'm doing this behavior to her too. That I really am walking around insulting people and just haven't realized it.

 

[Obat]

Pointing out the traits you don’t like?

That’s just plain bitchy.

Not always.

If a friend privately tells you, “Hey, I think what you did back there wasn’t cool”, they’re not telling you “You basically suck”. They’re pointing out that, as someone they like, you did something they didn’t like.

Depending on the way it’s handled, it could be a bitchy thing to do. Or it could actually be someone who cares about you, stepping in and saying “Do you realise that this is how you were coming across in that situation...?”

Some people appreciate that kind of honesty, particularly from a trusted friend. It gives us a chance to step back and reflect - is that what I intended? is that a reasonable observation? is that how I want to be perceived by others? did I intend to be offensive? if not, do I maybe need to rethink how I’m behaving?

What some might construe as “bitchiness”, while others might consider to be honest, constructive feedback.

True friends are sometimes the ones that can pull us aside at times and tell us, “Hey, what’s going on here? Your behaviour is a bit uncool right now...”

That’s obviously something you don’t want to hear. But it doesn’t mean the person doesn’t like or respect you - sometimes it actually means they like you and respect you a lot.

Friends that go around telling us that we’re awesome, irrespective of how out of line our behaviour might become? Aren’t really offering us much in terms of an honest and meaningful relationship. Because all of us have times where maybe we aren’t so awesome. Doesn’t make us a bad person - just makes us human.

But being able to hear constructive criticism, and assess what you want to do with that? Is an incredibly powerful quality to have.

 

[Uhuk]

k, sorry. Guess I shouldn't have been upset.