jasminetea
New Here
Im really struggling and am ready to start finding solutions
I have been readings these posts and have been crying, not because it hurts, but because i relate so much and it tells me im not a flawed messed up bad person, i just have PTSD.
Only a few months ago i really started seeing how my PTSD controls my perspective and my attitude. Ive always just accepted these behaviors and perceptions as me. Lately ive been trying really hard to seperate who i actually am from who my PTSD makes me be.
ive been through different types of abuse. I was abandoned by my father, i was sexually abused my whole life until age 6, and my mother physically and emotionally abused me until i was about 13. My drug addiction started when i was twelve. I used a lot of psychedelic drugs on a regular basis and led to regular paranoia, even when i was drinking alcohol or taking pain medication, or on the rare occasion dry. the paranoia consisted of me being punished for being a horrible person and everyone had an alterior motive and was out to get me. the paranoia still comes every now and again and i have a year clean. also i was groomed by someone when i first got in to recovery and he raped me. honestly that last time was what triggered my realizations about the existence of my PTSD. and its still taken a long time.
Ive always done things like struggled with talking to multiple people at the same time because its hard for me to pay attention to the signals they give off, but i told myself its because im a horrible manipulative person. i struggle going to the mall, it makes me anxious and irritated, and i never knew why. i have nightmares, sometimes i really struggle with not being able to speak my truth to certain people who intimdate me. things like that. I dont know, ive been feeling a lot of despair lately, that theres no escaping my PTSD and its just going to rule over me forever. im sorry for this long post, im just hoping for solutions or recommendations based off of your expirience and brief knowledge of where i am at. thank you
I have been readings these posts and have been crying, not because it hurts, but because i relate so much and it tells me im not a flawed messed up bad person, i just have PTSD.
Only a few months ago i really started seeing how my PTSD controls my perspective and my attitude. Ive always just accepted these behaviors and perceptions as me. Lately ive been trying really hard to seperate who i actually am from who my PTSD makes me be.
ive been through different types of abuse. I was abandoned by my father, i was sexually abused my whole life until age 6, and my mother physically and emotionally abused me until i was about 13. My drug addiction started when i was twelve. I used a lot of psychedelic drugs on a regular basis and led to regular paranoia, even when i was drinking alcohol or taking pain medication, or on the rare occasion dry. the paranoia consisted of me being punished for being a horrible person and everyone had an alterior motive and was out to get me. the paranoia still comes every now and again and i have a year clean. also i was groomed by someone when i first got in to recovery and he raped me. honestly that last time was what triggered my realizations about the existence of my PTSD. and its still taken a long time.
Ive always done things like struggled with talking to multiple people at the same time because its hard for me to pay attention to the signals they give off, but i told myself its because im a horrible manipulative person. i struggle going to the mall, it makes me anxious and irritated, and i never knew why. i have nightmares, sometimes i really struggle with not being able to speak my truth to certain people who intimdate me. things like that. I dont know, ive been feeling a lot of despair lately, that theres no escaping my PTSD and its just going to rule over me forever. im sorry for this long post, im just hoping for solutions or recommendations based off of your expirience and brief knowledge of where i am at. thank you
