Thank you
@Ocean5 and
@Junebug - you know I was probably worrying when I needn't have - I worried he would think he had upset me or done something wrong and I was upset with him.
He is so sensitive that when I reach to touch him he flattens his ears and cowers a bit from me. But tonight when he did it he immediately came to lick my hand. We had some seconds where he stayed close enough and let me gently touch him and then he started to wag his bum a little bit - I thought that was a really good sign.
Thank you
@Berlinda for your kind words. I am so grateful for this in my life. More than I have words. I know that it has changed me also more than I can describe.
Thank you so much
@Ellabella44 for the poem - it's absolutely perfect! Those are pretty much the words and feelings I feel right now. Thank you for taking the time to look it up and send.
The weather here is pretty bad tonight so I thought I would bring him into where I have a treadmill. I brought a rug in for him and I pointed to his rug and said, 'down' - he went immediately into a down and I gave him a treat.
He slept while I ran which was a really good thing because it meant the action and the noise didn't bother him.
But one thing I felt while I was running tonight was how many years I spent in fear growing up and how much of that fear stays with me to this day. I deal with this fear by being as trained physically as I can be and taking on new physical challenges.
Tonight as I looked over at him sleeping I realized that for over a day now I had felt no fear, no anxiety, none of that old childhood agitation and hypervigilance that has been such a part of my life all these years and that I accepted thinking it would be here forever. I had found workarounds.
Tonight looking at this little soul with all his trust struggles I knew we were in this together now - no words required. And if the old PTSD stuff comes back full force tomorrow, I will know that it's possible sometimes when you least expect it to have respite from the nasty side effects that are part of this illness.
The love of a dog. Who knew??