Been ideating lately

[GwenDR]

Every day, just about, several times a day, almost at random, suicidal thoughts have been popping into my head. Sometimes i redirect away from them, sometimes I just don't bother because enduring takes less energy than focusing on whatever.


I'm not in danger, not going to hurt myself, and am not in a crisis situation. My therapist knows about it.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Do you have any idea why the increase has occurred?

 

[GwenDR]

I think it's largely despair from the possibility of not being able to finish school. Failure is one of my biggest fears and motives for self hatred, and it's hard for it not to feel like failure.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I think it's largely despair from the possibility of not being able to finish school. Failure is one of...

That is how I feel about therapy, right now. It is hard when there are no guarantees, you don't have control of all the variables, and you being one of the biggest variables there is. But... you and I need to remember that it takes many fails to succeed. There is no success without failure. If you don't finish school, you rework the plan! There are different types of learning/teaching styles, there are 504 accommodations. You will get a good result if you don't give up!

 

[GwenDR]

I worked out a good backup plan that doesn't require me to take any more classes if I can't, or have any degrees. But the concept of school "not being for me" tears at the foundation I build my self esteem on.

But maybe it's a foundation that needs to be toppled.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

So you base your self esteem on your ability to be a successful student?

 

[GwenDR]

To a very large extent, yes. And I've failed repeatedly as a student, but kept try trying again. But I think my attempts have run out.
But I feel like the only think I can take pride in is being smart, and that smart means doing well in school, so when I don't do well in school, it makes me feel like I'm only pretend smart, and therefore worthless. Though having been trying since 1999, it's also a lot of time and resources that feels wasted. I've invested a huge amount into the idea of finishing school.

 

[Tinyflame]

Actually @GwenDR I think you're probably very exactly right about the re-definition, but oh how painful and difficult it is! They say it's necessary for people in regards to all roles, as well (eg. mother, (occupation) etc.)

I relate as I was elected as the you know, the 'most likely to succeed' one (sic). Ugh. :rolleyes: What helped me a bit many years later was hearing a quote by Mother Teresa that said, "When you die God isn't going to ask you how many degrees you have on the wall". But I felt like, who am I? And I feel less-than, in the way I give credit to others for their accomplishments, but seems the fault was within myself or my stars.. less that I was incapable but worse-that I could not use what I had been given. And also self-recriminations on what I can't produce or give, self-fear of ending up homeless.

Hugs if ok. I feel you will accomplish much, irrespective of whether it's that exact path. Maybe something much better and much more extraordinary will unfold. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

PS, cross-posted but I'm sure all the people you've met along the way would beg to differ with you that it was wasted based on the impact you've made in their lives (probably of which you're mostly unaware).. And intelligence is expressed in many ways.

Also, ptsd aside, there may be keys to why it's been difficult, and figuring those out may help you in even bigger ways or other aspects of your life.

 

[The Albatross]

Think you've done a great job Gwen, identifying your stressor. What can you do to address the "I only pretend I'm smart and am therefore worthless", shame (time and resources "feeling wasted") - when in reality it took what it took to get you this far and it doesn't matter one whit why or what value judgment you make about yourself and your attainment of the goal?

 

[Tinyflame]

@GwenDR , I was also thinking, for example, I always wanted to work with those in a particular developing country- 30 years later in many ways I still do. So it's being true to yourself- many people say they reach the top of a ladder only to find it's the wrong ladder.

But someone said here once (I'm sorry I can't recall who :( ), if you can identify what you want or like about something, then you ask yourself, 'what other ways can I possibly achieve that?' And that is not to say you won't finish the schooling, but who knows where your path will lead? And I have to admit, though I'd rather have more financial resources, to give, especially, there are many times and many reasons I'm glad my path diverged.

On top of that, it sounds woo-hoo, but I have an interior reason I offer up, no matter where or how I am or what I'm even able to do. It may be worth nothing, or it may be worth something, Idk.

Nothing you ever learn will go to waste. I remember being really good at mouth-pipetting in science (it was actually not allowed, but I was super-fast and accurate), it came in as the only solution in a crisis situation no one could solve, about 5 years later! The journey can be as important as the destination, please don't lose heart and try to recognize and try to give yourself credit not blame, for all you are accomplishing, every day! :) :hug: