Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

My brain has roamed in and out today. Nothing exciting but a definite lack of concentration for the most part. I did manage to eat lunch, I had toast and I am currently heating the oven up for dinner. I am still not eating enough but it is better than nothing.

My manager pointed out to me today that my fit note ends on Wednesday. I am hoping my doctor receives the report from my trauma doc before then so that my next note can have some form of diagnosis on it since I am beginning to feel like work no longer believe me.

I suspect work are going to send me to occupational health the minute they have a specific diagnosis even though I am not asking for any adjustments to my working life and even though it will be incredibly stressful for me. I will do what I need to in order to continue working since I enjoy my job but I am nervous about the future.

 

[Notsowild]

Aw the "fit" notes or as my company calls them " treatment memorandum ". My psychiatrist hates them because there more for physical difficulties. So she has to squeeze in my psychological injuries. I am doing accommodation for my return to work. It's done with HR, my union and my psychiatrist. I probably wouldn't have needed if it wasn't for the verbally abuse manager. I enjoy my job too but I do worry about losing it.

 

[Wyakin]

@Notsowild I am sorry you suffer with unkind people at work, I am very lucky as most of my colleagues are very understanding and supportive. We are a small team and it is clear there are some who aren't comfortable about discussing it with me so we have a mutual respect and avoid the topic, I don't talk openly anyway but I can tell a couple of them would just rather carry on and pretend everything is fine which is alright by me.

I am not asking for any adjustments to be made in my day as I am still carrying out all duties required, some are challenging and I do find certain situations stressful but I am coping with them. I do know though that the company worry about making me worse and would therefore like a professionals opinion on whether me being in the situations that challenge me is actually a good thing to do or not.

My current fit note just says that I should go home if I am not coping and I may need the option of working on my own at certain points in the day. I have not used the going home option very much, just having it there actually helps me through the day and has meant I haven't needed to go but I do like the option to take myself off and do quiet work on my own; it allows me to stay even if I am getting quite anxious because I can go and do something to calm down. It is one of the major benefits of having a job with a variety of tasks and managing my own work load.


Today I am going to give the dogs a special breakfast, especially Malcolm. I had a nightmare last night, it was pretty graphic but instead of having to go through the whole thing and come out the other side I felt this furry weight on my neck and chest. It pressed right in waking me up and bringing me out of my nightmare. When I opened my eyes there was my boy cuddling up to me, he looked worried so I told him he was a good boy which only resulted in him climbing right on top of me for a cuddle.

So I went from terrified nightmare to laughing at my silly big dog who thinks he's a lap dog in the space of minutes. My dogs really are life savers even when they are driving me up the wall being nuisances! After all it is hard to get sucked in to the past when they are keeping me occupied in the present.

I am hopeful today will be a good day; I have started my day right having a nice walk and a healthy breakfast, my anxiety is low even though I know I have a new volunteer starting today and a visitor for one of the dogs, my grounding practice seems to finally be paying off and I am just generally feeling a bit brighter. Although that might all change once the rain hits!!

Today's aim: Interact confidently with the new volunteer and find out at least 5 things about them.

 

[kmatel710]

@Wyakin I can definitely relate. It's horrible. I struggle most when I am home alone and so very lonely.[DOUBLEPOST=1399831086][/DOUBLEPOST]Does this ever get better?

 

[Wyakin]

I cannot say I am afraid @kmatel710 I am at the beginning of this journey. I hope I may get to a point where I can manage it and survive day to day although I am doing ok at that by myself for the most part.

I wish you luck, this is a great place to find support to start.

 

[Wyakin]

The morning was good today, the new volunteer is lovely and settled straight in. A friend also came up to volunteer, she is someone I really enjoy being around but she is tiring in a chatty way.

By the afternoon I was struggling, I kept feeling like someone was kicking me to the point I nearly fell over but I controlled myself and carried on. Since being home I have crumbled somewhat and felt awful but I am determined to eat dinner and keep pushing through.

I did succeed in today's aim.

 

[Wyakin]

I just told a friend I was raped. She actually said it was a relief to know because she had assumed as much and this took away the questions. I feel so vulnerable right now.

 

[kmatel710]

Thanks. I wish you good people and support in your life to help you through this. As I am learning though, even with this, that it is a most difficult journey. I seriously started mine 2 1/2 years ago after broke leg and rehabbing at home. All this stuff that I had buried for so long seemed to erupt and I was out of control. In the past, for the most part, I was able to manage and contain past experiences but never really realized just how affected I was. I found a good therapist and I have become very self aware and understand the triggers, my reactions and my very, very dark place. Problem is when I'm there I'm stuck. It may take days, weeks or months to climb out and it's an awful place to be. Suicide is the only comforting thought I have. Knowing, understanding and reasoning cannot pull me out so dissociated am I. I really don't know how or if I can get over this seemingly impenetrable barricade that I have built.

I am highly functioning and have my education and career but I feel that I have a very tenuous grip on keeping it all together. I've screwed up in the past and am so afraid of losing what I do have. I don't know if I can or would want to begin again. I don't believe that I can survive myself.

 

[kmatel710]

I find feeling so vulnerable very scary. Sounds like you have a friend who understands. Hang in there..

 

[Wyakin]

@kmatel710 You can do this, we all can. Even in the darkest places hope can be found to get out. I have had several very dark moments of late and I have reached out to others for help, they have responded and helped me see there is more to this life yet. Suicide is not an option for me as I have others relying on me whose lives would be worse off without me; even if I ignore the affect it would have on my friends and family I cannot ignore the fact it could end in disaster for those in my care.

You are obviously a strong person to have made it this far and I really hope you can continue to share and get support from here. We are all in this together and we are all ready to help where we can.


Today I face the friend I told last night. I warned her I may struggle to look at her. Last night was a massive step for me. This morning I am still exhausted and still feel raw. I have work today but I am doubtful I will stay all day, I can already feel my anxiety creeping up just sitting at home.

I still cannot believe I opened up last night, I didn't even say much but although I feel emotionally wrung out this morning I also feel a sense of relief. Relief that someone else knows, relief that she will no longer be wondering what happened and possibly coming up with all sorts of scenarios in her mind, relief that I am not entirely alone.

Even at the time I struggled to speak of it let alone now, 6 years later, when it has come back to wreak more devastation upon my life. That is what I have to remember though, it is 6 years ago, it is not happening now, I am an entirely different person to the one that walked in to that corridor at the wrong time.

My life is not what I expected it to be but I can say that before this I was happy, I still enjoy my job and I have a wonderful home and family to go with it. Even as I struggle with PTSD I have all this goodness around me to bout me up. I am a very lucky person and I must hold on to that even at the darkest of times when the memories are invading.

Today I will hold my head high and do my best because that is all I can do.

Today's aim: Smile.

 

[kmatel710]

Thanks Wyakin. You hang in there and I shall to. Hope to "talk" with you later. Gotta go to work.

 

[Wyakin]

I received my report from the Traumatic Stress Service today. I read it but the very first paragraph details, in brief, what I have told them of what happened. I have never seen it written by anyone else before and it has taken me a long time to calm down from the flashback that it triggered. I am still very much on edge.

I haven't been properly grounded since I was told about a meeting with HR that is taking place on Thursday. I am absolutely exhausted as hyper-vigilance has taken over my world. My friends have offered to come to the meeting as support but I am not sure, will it make the HR person hold back while secretly being annoyed, I don't want my friends knowing too much about what is happening, would I be better one on one? So many questions I am not sure of and so little time to work them out.

I think I want to try going in one on one, this time I am better prepared and I have a diagnosis. I will have seen the Doctor just before and will be armed with a new fit note. Work seem to want to be able to pigeonhole me but I am not something they have come across before and they have no idea how to deal with me. Frankly I would be better off if they just left me alone to continue my work in peace but they seem obsessed with discussing and covering the same ground over and over.

I am so confused. I wish my other friend were around, I would take her in, that wouldn't be deemed unprofessional because she is the same level as me, as I stands if I take one of the others in I am involving those I manage in it all and I have already been told that, that is unprofessional.

I'm sorry if this makes no sense, my head is all over the place.