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- #109
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Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.
- Post starter Wyakin
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- Post starter
- #110
The afternoon improved. I spent most of it dog walking. During one walk I found myself thinking about the flashback on Thursday and the main memory it covered.
It related mostly to number 2, or that's how I tend to think of him. The second man to force himself inside me.
He was nervous at first. We made eye contact briefly and I remember a slight flicker of hope that he might put a stop to this but then number 3 spoke up. I don't know exactly what he said but number 2's face changed, he became more determined.
Number 3 was definitely the worst, I don't know whether he enjoyed what he did more or whether he took more delight in breaking another person's soul. He seemed to take a sick pleasure in seeing what damage their treatment brought on me, he especially liked it when I flinched, he wanted me to be afraid, he liked hearing me beg for mercy.
I am feeling a bit down I think. Normally on a Sunday my Dad would be here for an hour after I finish work but he didn't have my old dog this weekend so I haven't seen him since Wednesday. I am missing him and feeling alone.
I know I am not though because my friend has been in contact this afternoon, she now knows more than anyone I know about the worst part of my life. It takes a lot for me to trust people but I trust her.
It related mostly to number 2, or that's how I tend to think of him. The second man to force himself inside me.
He was nervous at first. We made eye contact briefly and I remember a slight flicker of hope that he might put a stop to this but then number 3 spoke up. I don't know exactly what he said but number 2's face changed, he became more determined.
Number 3 was definitely the worst, I don't know whether he enjoyed what he did more or whether he took more delight in breaking another person's soul. He seemed to take a sick pleasure in seeing what damage their treatment brought on me, he especially liked it when I flinched, he wanted me to be afraid, he liked hearing me beg for mercy.
I am feeling a bit down I think. Normally on a Sunday my Dad would be here for an hour after I finish work but he didn't have my old dog this weekend so I haven't seen him since Wednesday. I am missing him and feeling alone.
I know I am not though because my friend has been in contact this afternoon, she now knows more than anyone I know about the worst part of my life. It takes a lot for me to trust people but I trust her.
- Post starter
- #111
He hesitates a moment but number 3 mutters an instruction. His face changes as he grabs me and turns me over, number 3 releases his grip on my wrists as 2 takes control of my arms. He cannot bring himself to look in to the face of the woman whose life he is ruining as he does his deed. He chooses instead to treat me like an animal.
The initial hesitation is gone as he forces himself inside. I am already bloody and broken as he takes his turn. My face pressed against the floor the pain from my nose is excruciating but nothing in comparison to how my insides are feeling.
He is not gentle, he is hard and rough. He releases my arms and grabs my hair, yanking my head back. All I can do is use my arms to steady myself even as number 3 sees another opportunity to humiliate me further. He puts himself in my mouth even as 2 continues to tear me inside out.
He takes a long time to finish, his nerves stop him from climaxing. When he finally finishes he pushes deeper and puts his whole weight on me. My arms give way and we both collapse to the floor. He swears at me and spits on me as he stands up, kicking me as he grabs my arms to hold me for number 3.
I am weak. If I had fought more I could have stopped him. If I had shouted they would have run away. I knew going down there at the time I did was risky. It is my fault. I am empty except for my shame and guilt.
The initial hesitation is gone as he forces himself inside. I am already bloody and broken as he takes his turn. My face pressed against the floor the pain from my nose is excruciating but nothing in comparison to how my insides are feeling.
He is not gentle, he is hard and rough. He releases my arms and grabs my hair, yanking my head back. All I can do is use my arms to steady myself even as number 3 sees another opportunity to humiliate me further. He puts himself in my mouth even as 2 continues to tear me inside out.
He takes a long time to finish, his nerves stop him from climaxing. When he finally finishes he pushes deeper and puts his whole weight on me. My arms give way and we both collapse to the floor. He swears at me and spits on me as he stands up, kicking me as he grabs my arms to hold me for number 3.
I am weak. If I had fought more I could have stopped him. If I had shouted they would have run away. I knew going down there at the time I did was risky. It is my fault. I am empty except for my shame and guilt.
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- #112
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- #113
I can't get control of my breathing. It is shallow and ragged but if I try to take deeper breaths I start to hyperventilate. I have to get this under control otherwise I will have a flashback.
I can't handle that right now. I am so afraid of being back there. Must stop, I'm making it worse.
I can't handle that right now. I am so afraid of being back there. Must stop, I'm making it worse.
digger
Sponsor
I usually try to distract myself completely away from focussing on the breathing and then it ends up regulating itself again in the end. Going out for a walk helps me. Is that an option for you?
- Post starter
- #115
Thank you @digger I went to have a shower, I find showers relaxing normally but this one triggered a flashback to the days after I was attacked.
I have been stuck in a loop until my friend text me and my phone brought me back to myself. I'm exhausted but my breathing is more under control. I keep feeling myself slipping away but I am mostly managing to ground myself before I do.
My days off are so hard in comparison to days at work. It's like the minute I take a break everything just comes crashing down.
I have been stuck in a loop until my friend text me and my phone brought me back to myself. I'm exhausted but my breathing is more under control. I keep feeling myself slipping away but I am mostly managing to ground myself before I do.
My days off are so hard in comparison to days at work. It's like the minute I take a break everything just comes crashing down.
- Post starter
- #116
To give myself something to do I have made a list of things I know help when I am having a flashback. Just thinking about them has helped to stabilise me a bit today. I am working on grounding techniques I can do on my own but I have included ways others can help me as I have found that other people can bring me back from the middle of a flashback which is not something I can do on my own. Some of these things I have discovered by accident, some have been suggested for me to try.
Sounds, can help as long as I can still hear the present -
Being reminded of the date.
Being told I am safe.
My name.
My phone, message ring tone.
Sudden loud noises (scare me out of it but can also push me further in).
Naming things I can hear.
Being directed to use other grounding techniques, such as asking what I am touching or what shapes I can see. Sometimes I need reminding of things I can do.
Sight, as long as I can still see the present -
Naming colours.
Naming shapes.
Naming reflective surfaces.
Pictures of my dogs.
My phone case.
Touch, often the last sense I lose and the first one I regain -
Touching different textures and naming them.
Touching my phone case.
Apps on my phone.
Stroking an animal.
Touching hot or cold surfaces.
Someone holding my hand or touching my back or shoulder. My friend took my hand during a flashback the other day, apparently I grabbed her pretty tight but it was the first thing I remember when I came out of it. The next thing I remember is her voice and then eventually my sight came back.
I do not currently know of any smells or tastes that help.
Sounds, can help as long as I can still hear the present -
Being reminded of the date.
Being told I am safe.
My name.
My phone, message ring tone.
Sudden loud noises (scare me out of it but can also push me further in).
Naming things I can hear.
Being directed to use other grounding techniques, such as asking what I am touching or what shapes I can see. Sometimes I need reminding of things I can do.
Sight, as long as I can still see the present -
Naming colours.
Naming shapes.
Naming reflective surfaces.
Pictures of my dogs.
My phone case.
Touch, often the last sense I lose and the first one I regain -
Touching different textures and naming them.
Touching my phone case.
Apps on my phone.
Stroking an animal.
Touching hot or cold surfaces.
Someone holding my hand or touching my back or shoulder. My friend took my hand during a flashback the other day, apparently I grabbed her pretty tight but it was the first thing I remember when I came out of it. The next thing I remember is her voice and then eventually my sight came back.
I do not currently know of any smells or tastes that help.
digger
Sponsor
Yeah, I am usually good while I can be busy with stuff. When I have to stop, and everyone does have to stop at some point, it all catches up to me again.
Good list. It's good to keep reminding yourself of the stuff that helps.
- Post starter
- #118
I wasn't going to share this tonight, I wasn't even going to write about it but in the last hour I have had a compulsion to do so. I don't know why. (Sorry it's a big post)
The after affects.
I am in the infirmary, for a minute I am confused, why am I here? I turn my head and see my supervisor sitting beside the bed, she looks like she has been crying. Then I feel the pain and it all comes back to me.
I panic and try to take a deep breath, pain tears through my rib cage and halts my attempt to breathe. The panic gets higher as my supervisor grabs my hand, I lash out but she keeps hold, she talks to me, tells me I am safe now, tells me to breathe slowly but shallowly. Everything starts to come back in to focus and I realise then than I am only looking through one eye, my other is too swollen to see out of.
I ache all over, my throat is sore, my ribs are agony, my face throbs. There isn't a single part of me that doesn't hurt. I feel dirty, I can still taste them in my mouth and smell them on me, I want a shower. My supervisor agrees I can go for a shower but she says I should have a rape kit done first. I panic at that, I can't let someone else near me. She calms me again and says she will stay with me, it is the only way to make sure they get the punishment they deserve.
A nurse comes in, tray in hand, she tries to explain what she is going to do but I can't bare to listen. I look away feeling violated all over again. The pain is unbearable and I cry out several times, she apologises but there is nothing she can do, the damage they inflicted is too great to do this without causing me more pain.
When it is over the nurse offers to take me to the showers, once more I panic, I do not want to be alone with a stranger. My supervisor says she will take me, that calms me down. She helps me to my feet but my muscles are too tired to hold me up and I collapse to the floor. Someone brings a wheelchair in, I don't know who but my supervisor gets me in it and wheels me to the showers. Every bump on that journey causes me more pain in my ribs, my face, inside.
Once we reach the showers I somehow manage to stand to go in. My supervisor promises me she will wait outside and keep an eye for me. It takes a while for the water to run warm but that is ok because it takes a long time for me to get out of the robe I am wearing, my body just isn't capable of doing what it is told. My muscles are trembling as I step under the water, struggling to hold me up. For a minute I just stand there letting it flow over me, washing them away.
Then I look down, my rib cage is a shocking pattern of bruising the right side is the worst where my ribs are broken, every breath takes effort. My legs are bruised and grazed from where I kicked out at them. My wrists are both bruised, my left has a cut where my watch bit in while I struggled, my right is just a hand shaped mark. Although I can't see it I know my throat is bruised also, a necklace of purple that makes even the slightest of movement agony. My face to is a mess, one eye too swollen to open, the other half shut, my lip is swollen and split and I will later see for myself the boot shaped bruise on the right side of my face.
It seems with every movement I discover a new pain. My elbows and wrists are sprained from how hard I fought, my neck and shoulders have seized up from the tension they were under for so long. I have two broken fingers on my right hand and my little finger on my left is thought to have been dislocated but popped back in on it's own.
All of this pales in comparison to the damage done inside of me. My hips and pelvis are bruised. I am bleeding heavily and the cramps are debilitating. I panic in the shower when I see the blood running down but then I remember the nurse saying that it was likely I would have that for at least the next few days as the tears heal. Some they have stitched, they did that while I was unconscious in order to stop the bleeding.
I want to stay under the shower forever, I will never be clean of them again. Even after brushing my teeth multiple times I still feel like I can taste them. When I get out of the shower someone has swapped my robe for some proper clothes, a small gesture but it makes a huge difference to be able to properly cover up.
I make it back to the wheelchair and my tiredness catches up to me. My supervisor, sits down on a chair next to me and takes my hand, I wonder what more could be coming, she looks so sad. She explains about HIV and pregnancy, she tells me I need to take some tablets for a little while to keep myself safe. She hands me a cup and some pills, I trust her so I take them. More are dispensed, 28 days worth to stop me catching HIV and I will need regular blood tests.
I stay the night so they can keep an eye on me, sometime in the early hours I am given something to help me sleep, apparently I am thrashing around and crying, my supervisor is still here.
The next morning I can go but my parents are on holiday and I cannot drive myself home. My supervisor offers to take me, I try to say no, I'll take the train but she tells me to stop being daft. She is a good person, I don't like seeing her so tired and hurt. She wheels me out, as we pass the officers I see the sadness in their eyes, the pity. I hate that. I hate that they see me now at my worst.
When we finally get to the car she helps me move over in to the seat, the muscle aches are even worse today. Once in she turns to me and tells me the officers only know I was assaulted, nothing more, only those directly involved know what happened. I feel better for that. She tells me I am brave and I will get through this, I don't believe her but I don't tell her that bit. I can't be brave, I gave up, I should have tried harder to make them stop, maybe if I had this wouldn't have happened.
The after affects.
I am in the infirmary, for a minute I am confused, why am I here? I turn my head and see my supervisor sitting beside the bed, she looks like she has been crying. Then I feel the pain and it all comes back to me.
I panic and try to take a deep breath, pain tears through my rib cage and halts my attempt to breathe. The panic gets higher as my supervisor grabs my hand, I lash out but she keeps hold, she talks to me, tells me I am safe now, tells me to breathe slowly but shallowly. Everything starts to come back in to focus and I realise then than I am only looking through one eye, my other is too swollen to see out of.
I ache all over, my throat is sore, my ribs are agony, my face throbs. There isn't a single part of me that doesn't hurt. I feel dirty, I can still taste them in my mouth and smell them on me, I want a shower. My supervisor agrees I can go for a shower but she says I should have a rape kit done first. I panic at that, I can't let someone else near me. She calms me again and says she will stay with me, it is the only way to make sure they get the punishment they deserve.
A nurse comes in, tray in hand, she tries to explain what she is going to do but I can't bare to listen. I look away feeling violated all over again. The pain is unbearable and I cry out several times, she apologises but there is nothing she can do, the damage they inflicted is too great to do this without causing me more pain.
When it is over the nurse offers to take me to the showers, once more I panic, I do not want to be alone with a stranger. My supervisor says she will take me, that calms me down. She helps me to my feet but my muscles are too tired to hold me up and I collapse to the floor. Someone brings a wheelchair in, I don't know who but my supervisor gets me in it and wheels me to the showers. Every bump on that journey causes me more pain in my ribs, my face, inside.
Once we reach the showers I somehow manage to stand to go in. My supervisor promises me she will wait outside and keep an eye for me. It takes a while for the water to run warm but that is ok because it takes a long time for me to get out of the robe I am wearing, my body just isn't capable of doing what it is told. My muscles are trembling as I step under the water, struggling to hold me up. For a minute I just stand there letting it flow over me, washing them away.
Then I look down, my rib cage is a shocking pattern of bruising the right side is the worst where my ribs are broken, every breath takes effort. My legs are bruised and grazed from where I kicked out at them. My wrists are both bruised, my left has a cut where my watch bit in while I struggled, my right is just a hand shaped mark. Although I can't see it I know my throat is bruised also, a necklace of purple that makes even the slightest of movement agony. My face to is a mess, one eye too swollen to open, the other half shut, my lip is swollen and split and I will later see for myself the boot shaped bruise on the right side of my face.
It seems with every movement I discover a new pain. My elbows and wrists are sprained from how hard I fought, my neck and shoulders have seized up from the tension they were under for so long. I have two broken fingers on my right hand and my little finger on my left is thought to have been dislocated but popped back in on it's own.
All of this pales in comparison to the damage done inside of me. My hips and pelvis are bruised. I am bleeding heavily and the cramps are debilitating. I panic in the shower when I see the blood running down but then I remember the nurse saying that it was likely I would have that for at least the next few days as the tears heal. Some they have stitched, they did that while I was unconscious in order to stop the bleeding.
I want to stay under the shower forever, I will never be clean of them again. Even after brushing my teeth multiple times I still feel like I can taste them. When I get out of the shower someone has swapped my robe for some proper clothes, a small gesture but it makes a huge difference to be able to properly cover up.
I make it back to the wheelchair and my tiredness catches up to me. My supervisor, sits down on a chair next to me and takes my hand, I wonder what more could be coming, she looks so sad. She explains about HIV and pregnancy, she tells me I need to take some tablets for a little while to keep myself safe. She hands me a cup and some pills, I trust her so I take them. More are dispensed, 28 days worth to stop me catching HIV and I will need regular blood tests.
I stay the night so they can keep an eye on me, sometime in the early hours I am given something to help me sleep, apparently I am thrashing around and crying, my supervisor is still here.
The next morning I can go but my parents are on holiday and I cannot drive myself home. My supervisor offers to take me, I try to say no, I'll take the train but she tells me to stop being daft. She is a good person, I don't like seeing her so tired and hurt. She wheels me out, as we pass the officers I see the sadness in their eyes, the pity. I hate that. I hate that they see me now at my worst.
When we finally get to the car she helps me move over in to the seat, the muscle aches are even worse today. Once in she turns to me and tells me the officers only know I was assaulted, nothing more, only those directly involved know what happened. I feel better for that. She tells me I am brave and I will get through this, I don't believe her but I don't tell her that bit. I can't be brave, I gave up, I should have tried harder to make them stop, maybe if I had this wouldn't have happened.
- Post starter
- #119
8 hours uninterrupted sleep makes such a huge difference to how I feel when I wake up. It seems my new tablets are working and helping.
I ache a bit from yesterday's flashback and my anxiety is a bit above average but I am determined to be positive and make this a good day.
My friend is back in after her holiday and although we have spoken online while she was away it will be good to see her in person.
Today's aim: Keep this positive outlook for as long as possible. Try to think of a scent that might help with grounding.
I ache a bit from yesterday's flashback and my anxiety is a bit above average but I am determined to be positive and make this a good day.
My friend is back in after her holiday and although we have spoken online while she was away it will be good to see her in person.
Today's aim: Keep this positive outlook for as long as possible. Try to think of a scent that might help with grounding.
- Post starter
- #120
I have laughed most of the morning, laughed so hard I couldn't breathe! There have been moments of fear, I am still very jumpy and there have been several brief flickerings of images and feelings that have made me take a step back.
I had the beginnings of a flashback just before lunchtime but I found my friend and we chatted, that was enough to calm me down. I know it is there though, I just don't want to face it at the moment. It keeps rising up at the slightest of triggers but I keep pushing it down. I hope it stays away for the rest of the afternoon, I can't face it at work but I worry every time I hold it off it will suddenly just take control no matter what I do or where I am. It is tiring holding it off.
Still no more negativity, just keep going, if it happens it happens.
I had the beginnings of a flashback just before lunchtime but I found my friend and we chatted, that was enough to calm me down. I know it is there though, I just don't want to face it at the moment. It keeps rising up at the slightest of triggers but I keep pushing it down. I hope it stays away for the rest of the afternoon, I can't face it at work but I worry every time I hold it off it will suddenly just take control no matter what I do or where I am. It is tiring holding it off.
Still no more negativity, just keep going, if it happens it happens.
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