Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Notsowild]

Well you know I understand. Do you know the HR person very well? I assume you have no union? I know at first I was scared of HR. They do after all work for the company. I got to have my union rep in the meeting with me. I find the HR woman very nice and seems to want to help me. I wanted to bring my son in but they said no. Then I asked to bring my girlfriend in that works there too. But I was the same as you about how much I wanted her to know.

It all makes sense I'm going through the same thing.

 

[Wyakin]

The HR person is also the CEO and I don't really trust her. She treated me quite badly last time we had a meeting but then she caught me by surprise as I had not expected such treatment, this time I am going in prepared. I really worry that if I take one of the others in with me she will deem it unprofessional which was an issue that came up in our last meeting, apparently my telling people when I was having a bad day if asked how I was was unprofessional even though it is what I had been told to do by my manager...

I don't have a union sadly otherwise I would willingly take a rep with me, after all I don't have to work with them everyday after knowing they know more than I want anyone to know.

I want to like the person because part of me believes she does care but I think she is so out of her depth she has no idea how to handle me.

Are you still undergoing meetings? Sorry if I have missed a thread where you update about it.

 

[Wyakin]

I keep recalling the moment they grabbed me, the second their hands seized me and dragged me in to that room. The smell of them and the sound of the door shutting behind, the faint click of the lock sliding in to place. I remember their voices but I can't seem to catch what they are saying.

It's like I am in a different place but then a fist hits me in my stomach, I double over and another fist crashes down against my back. They are annoyed, I'm sure I know why but I can't remember even as a knee cracks against my nose I am still not sure what is happening. It is all so oddly familiar, so reminiscent of the assault I survived a few months before, is that it, is that why this is happening? No, he is gone, these are different.

Then something changes, I have been restrained all along but now it seems their intentions have changed, I am yanked upright and their hands start to probe. I fight and twist, begging them to stop but they don't care.

 

[Wyakin]

I don't want to get up today. My anxiety is sky high, I don't want to get out of bed. If I could just curl up in a ball and disappear I would. Even the dogs can't bring a smile this morning.

 

[Wyakin]

I remember fighting them, I tried so hard but I remember also the moment I stopped, when my body and mind gave up. That terrifying point when you realise you can't stop them only lay there and hope it is over soon. I know I turned my face away, I couldn't bare to see them do this to me.

The pain was unbearable, they were rough in their desperation. As quickly as one had a go the next was there ready for his turn. Even then it seemed to go on forever. I still don't know how long they held me.

Now when I remember I feel it all again. I hate that. Having to go through it once was hard enough but everyday I relive it. Even just repeating the smallest parts takes my strength but sometimes it is more than that, sometimes I see it, I hear it, I feel it, all of it.

I can't keep doing this, it has to stop someday doesn't it? Every time I go back there I feel like I lose a bit more of myself to them. I am doing my best to stay strong, to be me to those around me but gradually I lose more and more parts of me. They took so much, I can't help but wonder how much of me will be left if I make it out the otherside?

 

[Wyakin]

I keep reading the report from the Trauma Doctor. I don't know why, I think I just cannot believe it. Some part of me is thinking "What you went through wasn't that bad, not PTSD worthy." I want to deny it and push it away. I keep hoping I will just switch back to normal and that this isn't happening.

I'm all over the place today. I had a big flashback last night. My friend helped me come back from it, she came over when I stopped replying on Facebook. She found me clawing at my throat on the sofa. It took her 20 minutes to calm me down enough to realise where I was and that she was there.

I'm exhausted and my body aches from what was an hour of flashbacks. All my muscles hurt and every time I stop my mind starts to wander. If my colleagues had been in today I would have taken the day off but as it stands I need to be here otherwise I will have twice the work to do tomorrow.

 

[Wyakin]

I cannot repair my defences quick enough. It seems every time I fix one crack in the wall another appears and so on and so forth.

I am running from place to place frantically trying to plug the holes to keep all the memories safely hidden away but they are getting too much, the dam is about to break and woe betide anyone who gets in the way.

This enormous pressure has been building for a long time and small parts have leaked out but now it all wants to be heard/felt/seen and it would appear there is nothing I can do to stop it.

So I accept I will be swept up in the wave and dashed against whatever comes my way but I hope one day to find tranquility, floating on the memories that once bore me down and dragged me near to drowning. Until then I will continue to tread water and wait for a life raft to save me.

 

[Wyakin]

I still ache today from the flashback on Thursday. It would seem I use a lot of muscles during them. My head is more under control this morning though and I am determined to get back in to a routine with this diary.

I am, as it always seems, at work today. I've got a couple of volunteers in though who I know and trust so it shouldn't be too tiring a day as long as it is a quiet one.

Yesterday was a weird day, I didn't really jump at anything. It was like my body was too tired to care anymore and was no longer trying to protect itself. I have been unable to feel emotions properly for a while now but this lack of care about what happens to me is new. Looking back on yesterday I did a few things that were quite frankly reckless, like I didn't care about the consequences. This worries me, I have not felt suicidal but this is just another way of ending it but being able to call it an accident instead.

I guess all I can do is see how today goes. Maybe it is just a result of Thursday and will pass as I start to feel a bit more with it and less achey. It's funny I never thought I'd miss hyper-vigilance but apparently there are worse things than an over active flight response!

Today's aim: Get outside and do some agility with some of the dogs.

 

[Wyakin]

I didn't succeed in my aim today but I did other things instead. My muscle aches from Thursday were too much to let me complete my aim today really. It hasn't been a bad day though, just tiring.

 

[Wyakin]

I have been open tonight. More open than ever. The emptiness I feel has been replaced by worry, worry I have given too much, worry I have shared too much of a burden meant for me, worry that their view will change. Deep down I know it won't but it doesn't stop the worry.

I do feel lucky though, on top of all of this. I am lucky to have good people in my life who care and wish to learn how to help me. I am tired now and will go to bed soon but I will go to bed knowing that I am not alone today.

 

[Wyakin]

I am in a jumble this morning. It was a long night after my old dog had a fit at 2am. He's bright and happy this morning and seems ok in himself, it was only a small one.

My jumpiness is returning, I can already feel myself tensing up. Every noise distracts me from my thoughts even if it is something I am used to hearing. I am much more easily aggravated my noises now. I think I get frustrated because they take me away from what I am trying to do so any repetitive noises really get on my nerves.

I will try to be positive though, the return of hypervigilance hopefully signifies the return of my brain caring about what happens to me.

Today's aim: Write up another part of what happened.

 

[Wyakin]

My positive mood stayed until I pulled my keys from my pocket and slipped in to a brief flashback.

Keys are a big trigger for me, it is one of the few I am sure of. It doesn't take much to work out why either.

The image was brief but the body memories persist. I am trying to keep a smile on my face even as I feel like I am being ripped apart from the inside out.

I can no longer trust myself when it comes to pain. I cannot be sure what is real and what is memory.

I just want to go home, curl up and give up but I won't. I will keep pushing on and hope this passes.

I have found I fiddle with my watch when I am trying to ground myself but I was wearing my watch when I was attacked so I am not sure how much it helps. I am thinking of finding something for my other wrist that I can use to remind myself I am here now not then.