Being A Good Spouse/parent

[NewDayTomorrow]

I am nervous to open a thread but here goes anyways. Does anyone worry about not being able to be a decent parent or spouse? Does anyone feel like they are a good parent/spouse even with their condition? I worry that I will never be able to provide the kind of emotional care to raise kids, or have a marriage that is worthwhile for the other person. I'm only 21 and not even dating now, but I feel much older than people my own age and pessimistic about the family thing, as I envy families with happy kids and have a hard time connecting with people emotionally. I thought I'd outgrow my problems. Then recently I remembered something that happened to me when I was little, and realized the odds are stacked higher than I thought. Really worried that this may never be possible for me. Practical advice would be helpful. Stories are nice too, even sad ones.

 

[Me Myself and I]

You are not alone! Here in this post you put down in words my very own fears and worries. :(

 

[Justmehere]

I worry about this a lot.

I have friends without PTSD and I can tell you for a fact, they worry about it too.

I think PTSD makes the fear even greater, because we have so much practical experience of how bad things can get... and battling PTSD symptoms does add extra challenges. For some people, like you, I think having PTSD can give an advantage too that others don't have. It gives humility to know there will be challenges and to be willing to ask for help... like you are with this thread. In my opinion, this puts you far ahead of many spouses and parents who don't have that courage.

 

[Wolvescry]

Hello JBS, Welcome to the forum! That is a common worry for many PTSD sufferers. I am 25 years old and have been in a 5 year relationship. I am constantly pushing my partner away because of fears of being a burden or not being able to be healthy for him. Luckily I am with a very patient and understanding man. I think thats is the key, to find someone who is caring patient and compassionate, thats just based on opinion. Anyway, I work with these fears off and on through my life, but I come to an understanding that I am constantly recovering and being stronger and that I can continue to better myself. I have no fears about being a good mother though. I have always been great with kids.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Wow thanks you guys. I feel less silly now. Glad other young women are concerned too, it's an important issue! Lots of us know that there are good moms and not so good moms out there, but maybe the good ones will share some advice. I'll check back later. Thanks for now and lets not worry too too much!

 

[catjudo]

I have PTSD and I'm a single mom to a 9-year-old daughter. I definitely worry about this. But I think all good parents worry about whether or not they're doing a good enough job. I make mistakes, sometimes big ones...all parents do. If you find someone who claims to be a perfect parent, I'd say they're lying. I strive to be a better parent. Again, that's something that all good parents do. While sometimes I doubt myself, or don't really believe it, overall I am a really good mom. My daughter is smart, funny, caring, creative, active, and involved in a variety of activities. My daughter feels safe and nurtured, she knows that she is loved and she has everything that she needs and most of the things she wants. She is upset by social injustice and tries to treat all people with kindness and acceptance regardless of their circumstances. Sometimes I need to be reminded, but she hasn't become this person all by herself...I'm helping to guide and mold her into the wonderful person she is. Judging by her character, I must be doing a pretty good job.

 

[HelenB]

Just for the record its not just women. One of the best dads I know had told me before that he did not want to have children as he was scared he would be like his parents, but as I said he is great. I think awareness is one of the most important things, and though it is certainly hard and I know I feel pretty much constantly that I fail my husband and children, they do all know they are loved and regularly tell me they love me too, and I know in the long run that it the most important thing and that for the most part they are happy and able to just be children.

My husband it is harder with because of the issues I have with intimacy but again I know that he does love me (I finally believed it after we had already been married ten years) and I know that he knows how much I love him too, and he has very much been with me on my journey and certainly tells me that our marriage was the best decision of his life, even though I regularly still tell him still that I think it must have been his biggest mistake.

Helen

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Like you, I feel much older than I actually am. I will be 30 this year in May.

I am married and I have been in PTSD recovery for three years. I can say for sure today that I am a great spouse and I know that I will be a great mother. Three years ago, I could not have said this.

The only practical advice that I can give is this is a journey. I WISH I had started recovery when I was your age. I WISH!!! But, it didn't happen for me like that and I still feel better than ever. Coming here and sharing, having a treatment plan and learning coping skills is it. Radical acceptance and self care are key, but that is all a process.

The best words anyone has ever said to me is, "Life is not that linear." and "Get off the hamster wheel. Get out of the rink and stop fighting yourself." and "You are not crazy. You are having a normal reaction to abnormal and horrifying events." There is much more.

"Be gentle with yourself." "Baby steps". Those words did not connect for me when they were said, but they became true and a real part of my journey.

I have much hope for you. You CAN recover and you deserve it!

 

[kitty12]

You are definitely not alone in your worries... My girlfriend and I have what I think is a pretty good relationship, but I know that my PTSD causes problems for us. I know it's not easy for her to deal with my extreme anxiety or the opposite, when I'm really checked out. I know I'm irritable with her (especially when I'm trying to avoid underlying anxiety), and I know I hurt her feelings sometimes with my snappiness. I hate knowing that I'm making her life harder. :( I think the thing that keeps us going is that we both try to be honest with each other about how we're feeling. I try to really listen to and validate her feelings. And I try to be quick to apologize when I know I've hurt her feelings.
I know my PTSD causes some problems in my relationship with her 10 year old son too. I *want* to be a good step mom, but there are times I just don't have much energy to give him. It's frustrating.
I'm trying to remind myself that they are two very important reasons for me to work on becoming healthier. I'm terrified of dealing with my abuse, and I know things are going to get harder before they get better, but my girlfriend and her son are worth going through all of it for, even if I don't always feel like *I'm* worth doing it for.

 

[Viosinger]

I still struggle with this. I'm in what I hope will be my last romantic relationship (in a good way). It's not easy , we're not married yet, but I worry about being a good wife.

As far as kids , I spent the longest time convinced that if there was a shred of possibility I'd treat a child as I was treated, I should never have kids. But I've watched my sister be a wonderful, warm (and strong) mother. I also worked at a preschool for a few years, controlling rooms of children by myself or with one other adult. I realized that I'm not as horrible as I thought I was... And am starting to at least put a "maybe" on kids.

I,too, have always felt older . But the more I surround myself with caring, intelligent people who can handle me & my issues with some level of grace, the less out-of-place I feel age-wise (and, at 26 I'm at a point where I care much less about age for some reason. I've hung out with. 20 year olds, 4 year olds, 50 year olds * shrug* with trauma, I feel like I had to grow up pretty quickly. But it 'a made for a much different adulthood that I'm okay with.

I don't know if any of that helps... But I guess, you're not alone. And there's a good chance that feelings can change as we heal and/or live in different circumstances. I still worry , but it's not such a crippling fear anymore.

 

[Samantha_38]

I'm 24 with two kids, and been with my fiance' for 7 years. I still worry about this every day!

I do feel older than anyone around me, and I think that's because I had to grow up so fast, but also because at 24 I'm in a very different life situation than most of my college-aged peers. I don't hang out with many people my age, but we do have a couple close friends who have kids. They do not know about my PTSD, in fact practically nobody does.

Battling through my many symptoms I more than once have felt like a terrible mom, and even more so a terrible fiance'. However, there have been some advantages with the parenting aspect. My kids are not spoiled and they will never be "bratty" because they won't be handed everything in life. However, they will have a much easier time than I did, and always have support because I WILL make sure of this. I also feel like I can protect them better because I'm not oblivious to the world. I know how bad it can be, and I know I can protect them from that.

Having any sort of intimate relationship with my fiance' is difficult. We've gone VERY slow...I mean 7 years and we're still just engaged with no wedding date. He's patient with me as best as he can be, and even though we get on each others nerves quite often we always work it out.

As far as my symptoms affecting my kids. For awhile I can say that they didn't, because I was ignoring everything. It's become too much to ignore though, and I just started voluntary treatment for the 1st time in the 10 years I've had PTSD. It's been tough. I've been exhausted both physically from not being able to sleep with all of my symptoms getting worse, and emotionally from the therapy itself. I find it really difficult to do anything with either of my kids lately, and everything is a huge effort. I hate this, because even though they can't voice it, I feel like its effecting them.

My fiance' just keeps ensuring me that everything will be fine. He's picked up the slack when I just have no more energy to be doing anything, and he's pushed me when I need to be pushed.

It's not easy, but it's definitely possible. Definitely take it slow, and the fact that you're on this forum asking for help before you've even gotten into the relationship already shows you're ahead of me in the process. Hopefully that means you won't have quite such a hard time with it. I just joined a month-ish ago and my oldest is 4 years old, so I've gone without the support for most of my kids' lives and my relationship. I feel it's really good you're getting some support ahead of time.

 

[Meadowsweet]

At 21 I was a mess and couldn't have done kids (and wouldn't have). I'd already chosen an abusive relationship. After that I went into a dominated relationship with someone twice my age. It was better than the previous one, but not good.

At 26 I had a child, and I found it really difficult. But I was aware of my failings and that I wanted to be a good mother who did everything right, so I went to all the baby check clinics and I always asked for advice, and worked with it to make myself a better parent. I left the relationship I was in when my children were 2 and 4, because I couldn't stand the way their father spoke to them, or me. So I would say it was my experience of abuse that made me a determined to learn, good mother.

But after splitting with my ex, I made the mistake of inviting a frighteningly obsessive, dangerous man into my life, who tried to kill me. Thankfully, the children weren't subjected to that, but it upsets me that they could have been. I then kept in touch with the group of people that protected him, denying the severity until I broke down. My young son did hear me scream during that breakdown, and I'm very sad that he had to see his mum like that. So in this instance there are choices that I've made because my mind isn't right due to abuse, that are not good choices for my children.

But, at that breakdown, my determination to be a good mother drove me to isolate myself from al those people who could hurt me or trigger my symptoms. It also drove me to get professional help for myself and to put in the work to stay stable and stop letting abuse influence my life. So, in this instance, I was back on track being a good mother.

My children are really healthy, they do really well at school and I rarely have to tell them off anymore (they are teenagers). the one thing that I feel they have picked up off me, is that they are shy socially - probably because they've never seen me socialise with other adults, but they have their small close knit groups of friends, and are happy and comfortable in that. They are confident and comfortable in who they are, they are comfortable coming to me with problems and are very sensible and don't have any emotional problems.

So yes, previous abuse has effected my adult life and some of the choices I've made (especially with men), But it has also made me probably a more conscientious mother, than many of the mothers I know who just assume they are doing it right.