Relationship Being a supporter and suffer / Husband has been diagnosed

[Sweetpea76]

How long ago was his trauma and diagnosis?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm wondering if the wanting to be handled with kids gloves is because his trauma is more recent as is his symptoms. Maybe since the trauma happened not as long ago aa yours it's like putting your hands on a hotter fire. Or I could be totally off base. That's possible too.

 

[Fadeaway]

How long ago was his trauma and diagnosis?

Well, he has qualifying traumas and symptoms from before but the trauma that got the diagnosis was 2 months ago as it is the first time he sought mental help. He really changed about a year ago.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So in other words he’s still fresh without any coping skills or much treatment? That’s rough.

 

[joeylittle]

@Fadeaway - I just wanted to underscore a few things...

Don’t think personally... think generally. Welcome to being a supporter, you’ll get to experience all this from the other side now. It’s rough, but lashing out, projection, blame and plenty of WTF moments will probably be in your future. PTSD is a selfish disorder... it doesn’t matter what your mental/emotional state is. If he’s reacting, he’s going to be in self preservation mode. That comes out in a lot of ways...Is it because our sufferers are terrible people? Nope. The cup’s just overflowing and it’s not always rainbows and cupcakes that come out.

This is pretty much it, in a nutshell. I bolded the first bit because it's an important context for you to keep coming back to. Of course - you're also going to be having a very personal response to what's going on w/ husband right now...but I think it will help you if you can also have a framework for processing his behavior that is more neutral - a sort of "this is PTSD from the outside looking in" context.

I do feel compassionate but it's hard to keep giving something you haven't received yourself.

Totally understandable. Absolutely. It is. There's no 'but' to that, it's just true.

I think an important question for you is...not surprisingly the same question a lot of supporters get asked: on a really fundamental level, is his illness something that you can/want to live with? There will always be hard times, and clearly you're in one right now...and there are ways this side of the board can help frame ways to cope, manage, etc.

Or, are you feeling like his illness is something you can't/won't take on for yourself? And if that's the case, is it a 'can't do it right now', or a 'won't ever'?

A relationship is like a venn diagram - there's "you", "him", and "we". I think you're saying that you are struggling to be inside that "we" space, because there have been times when you were overwhelmed and he wasn't in that "we" space with you. The frustrating but also true thing is....it doesn't really matter, when you're looking at the now. The question now is - are you willing to step into that supporter role, and if so, how much?

There will be a time, in the future, to try and take apart how you and he experience your PTSD. But that time isn't going to be right now - not when you're both struggling this hard.

You asked this:

Anyone else deal with a hypocritical sufferer while being a suffer yourself?

In my experience - it's always weird, a little like being in an alternate universe. And, it's totally possible to do, so long as you are feeling well enough, and are willing to. But it's happening in the now. Holding onto judgement/feelings from the past will only make things harder for you - it won't even register for them.

So you have to be prepared to accept that that was then, this is now, and now you're choosing to be part of a support structure. That's a choice you get to make, though. I'm guessing it feels like you don't have a choice, and that's never a good feeling.

 

[siniang]

that's the thing though, I do feel compassionate but it's hard to keep giving something you haven't received yourself.

I totally understand where you're coming from. It's human. Plain and simple. It sucks, big time.

The thing is, at least I think in any relationship there shouldn't be "tis for tat". One shouldn't be doing things only because they received something in the past or expect something in the future - or deny it because they didn't.

I either want to help. Or I don't. No strings attached. No grudges. But it boils down to what @joeylittle said: do you want to, can you, be the supporter. Can you be a supporter completely independent from being a sufferer when necessary?

You can help. And then you can ask/expect help - but at a different time. Don't make those co-dependent. Try not to project yourself onto him. He is not you. You are not him. You will have to, eventually, find common ground, but for the time being, please keep in mind that his diagnosis is fresh. Also, while objectively he may be hypocritical, there is a good chance that he doesn't even notice that. And you might have been doing things you didn't notice. Remember, distortion is a major part of this illness.

And please, can we stop degrading people for not taking medication?

 

[joeylittle]

And please, can we stop degrading people for not taking medication?

You’re on the supporters side of the board, this sort of challenge from a sufferer isn’t appropriate here.

Questions, use Contact Us

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So in other words he’s still fresh without any coping skills or much treatment? That’s rough.

This is sort of what I was thinking.

If I think back to when everything was fresh and I had no skills, I was a mad woman. I'm sure many felt that I wanted to be handled with kid gloves too when I had no thoughts about that. It's like a fresher wound. More tender. More reaction if touched. If that makes sense.

It's hard, I'm sure, @Fadeaway. Cause you have all of these skills. But if you can picture yourself back when you didn't. You know?

Do you know anyone that knew you back when things were fresh for you? I'm thinking, maybe it would help talking with them about how you were back then, in their eyes. Maybe it would help to put things into perspective for you?

Just a few thoughts.

 

[Sideways]

I do feel compassionate but it's hard to keep giving something you haven't received yourself.

Just, wow. I’m really sorry. I actually can’t fathom how any relationship would sustain without compassion flowing both ways.

Fwiw, the only thing that’s changed for you, is that he now has a label. One that you already suspected was relevant to him. He may change his behaviour because of that label, but hat doesn’t mean you, or your approach, or your boundaries, need to change.

It’s significant to a sufferer when they get that label. But it doesn’t have to have the same significance for you. He actually hasn’t changed as a person.

Can I ask if this diagnosis was part of the medico-legal process attached to his claim? (Do I have that right?). And if so, are you anticipating a counter medico-legal report from the other side? That’s probably something that both of you could prepare yourselves for - those counter-reports can be really invalidating and very tough to read.

 

[siniang]

You’re on the supporters side of the board, this sort of challenge from a sufferer isn’t appropriate here.

Questions, use Contact Us

Of course, sorry! I somehow didn't realize this was in the supporter subforum, my apologies. I didn't mean for it come across like such a challenge and you're right, not my place. ?

It just stuck out to me that it was mentioned that they're not on even ground as she, as a supporter but also a sufferer, is taking meds, and he's refusing too, and that seems to cause conflict or contribute to the conflict, or at least it was suggested that it does. Again, my apologies if it came across as challenging and inappropriate.

Oh, also, by no means a question or challenge towards your comment, hence not in "contact us", just an explanation and apology, also towards Fadeaway. :)

 

[Never_falter2]

Well, he has qualifying traumas and symptoms from before but the trauma that got the diagnosis was 2 months ago as it is the first time he sought mental help. He really changed about a year ago.

So he changed before the trauma? Did I get this right? In this case I think The trauma cannot be the reason for the changes.