Best thing for him really. his therapy was going nowhere.

[Hooper]

The title is a quote from Dr. Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. Unlike the man he was speaking of I am alive and my head is not in a jar. Like the man he was speaking of I do feel like my therapy is going nowhere. I won't go so far as to say I have not benefited because I think I have on side issues around my childhood. Where I have made virtually zero progress is with my anger. My wife was date raped (does the distinction matter) at 13 by her 16 year old boyfriend. I've known she was raped for 17 years now but 2 April's ago I had the bright idea to ask "exactly" what happened. I've got a whole thread on it "just found out the details of my wife's rape".

Over the years I have hunted his identity. With bits and pieces of information I finally found out who he was. I've spent close to $2k on therapy with the take away being I have anger issues and problems with injustice such as only 6 out of 1000 rapists go to jail. I've been in the closet about it but have recently come out. Of the 4 people I've told 3 are in the same position I am in that their wives were raped. All but 1 of the 3 think I am off my rocker at how this has affected me. The 1 just plans on beating the hell out of his wife's rapist the day they cross paths who oddly enough was one of the 6 out of a 1000 that served time. The other 2 say they would feel like I do if they were dating at the time. I asked them what they would do if it were their daughter and 1 would see to it he would disappear and the other would feel like I do.

In my last therapy session I told my therapist my anger is still where it was. She says what I need to do is learn how to deal with my anger more effectively. I find this very hard to do. As far as I'm concerned we just elected a rapist to be president, Bill Cosby won his he said vs she said (keep in mind there's another 56 she saids known plus the unknowns) and rape continues to happen to 20-25% of the women out there. I can't listen to NPR, watch the news or read the Yahoo news feed without coming across the subject.

If you can't tell I obsess a little about the subject. Supposedly 6% of the male population have committed rape which means the vast majority are serial rapist since 4 times the women are raped. They have picked a crime that has a 99.4% success rate as far as getting away with it. Most women do not report and those that do are blamed for what happened to them. Even the ones that end up getting a conviction are blamed and traumatized all over.

I really don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The justice system has failed rape victims miserably. The justice system would be far more effective at prosecuting fathers, brothers and spouses who tried to seek some form of alternative justice since that is illegal. I find the whole situation completely maddening especially since no one seems to agree with me. It is just a fact of life that bad things happen to good people and I am supposed to just deal with it. At least that is what I've learned from 2 1/2 years of therapy. I am at a loss to say the least.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm sorry. :hug:

I'm one of the women who didn't press charges, and still was blamed for it and invalidated and retraumatized by therapy. I know the reality of rape in the US and in the EU, and honestly, even though I do subscribe to main feminist theories, I don't think rallies and flashmobs will make society more aware of it, or even care about it.

There are all kinds of abuses going on, both perpretated by men and women, that go unreported, because the abused always seems like the weak link that wasn't able to fight back. It makes me sad and angry, and feel like my hands are tied. So I can empathize with your anger.

Can I offer a suggestion of maybe help out in women's shelters or institutions that help the abused? Might make you feel like you're helping, even if you don't give up on trying to find the perpretrator.

 

[scout86]

Personally, I think 'anger' is an appropriate reaction. (My T suggested I watch the movie "Inside Out" to help get a better grasp on the concept of "feelings". What I learned is that feelings have "jobs". The job of "Anger" is to keep other people from running over the top of us.)

Having said that, YOU sounds like the type of guy I'd rather see running around loose in the world, not in jail for getting revenge on a rapist.

There are a lot of times it seems like my therapy isn't going anywhere too. ("Now"is actually one of those times.) I hope that's just part of the process.

 

[Hooper]

"Can I offer a suggestion of maybe help out in women's shelters or institutions that help the abused? Might make you feel like you're helping, even if you don't give up on trying to find the perpetrator."

My wife and therapist suggested this. I think I might could help but I also think it would make me angrier than I already am. I have a relative that sits on a committee of 3 who deal with campus sexual assault and decide on who is and isn't expelled. Rapist are very methodical. They pick their victims well. Ted Bundy said he could tell the degree of resistance by the way a woman walked. They are rarely strangers and walk on the edge of right and wrong to the point where when it turns into rape their victims many times blame themselves and if they don't the ones they go to help to do. You could say society is moving in the right direction since colleges and universities have these panels to deal with college rape. The truth is they were forced into it or they risked losing students who received student aid. It took money for higher education to come up with these panels whose only power is expulsion from their undergraduate programs. They do not push the issue criminally. They also can let the rapists back in for graduate studies. Go figure.

There are a lot of times it seems like my therapy isn't going anywhere too. ("Now"is actually one of those times.) I hope that's just part of the process.

This is why I keep going. My T made me watch that movie to. She says I skip sad and go straight to mad. Guilty as charged. In my thread "just found out the details of my wife's rape" I got hammered pretty hard. The main theme being this is about my wife and not me. It's her trauma not mine. That is true to an extent. I've lost so much sleep. I'm simply at a loss right now.

 

[ILoveLife]

What does your wife say about your obsession?

 

[scout86]

It's her trauma not mine.

The rape is her trauma, to be sure. But dealing with your feelings about the injustice is yours and that's a legitimate deal too. And, like you said, it probably tied into other things and it's probably more complicated than it looks.

She says I skip sad and go straight to mad.

Yeah. I tend to refuse to acknowledge the existence of "sad" (why would I want to feel THAT?). I skip "fear" and go right to "mad". I've had some kind of funny conversations with my T where he'll call something a "feeling" and I'll go, "That? That's a FEELING? You're kidding!" And he'll laugh and say "If you can't put it in a wheelbarrow or a dump truck, it's probably a feeling. Very confusing!

Have you heard of "radical acceptance"? I was thinking about that after I got off line earlier. There's some stuff on here, somewhere, about it. It's not always easy, but often useful. Might be useful in your situation.

 

[Hooper]

What does your wife say about your obsession?

I hide it from her. I don't want to get her upset. If I could rewrite my post I'm not sure obsess is the correct word. I am shocked more people don't feel the way I do. When you add male and female rape you get 23-28% of the population is raped. The population of the US is 323 million. If the numbers are correct thats roughly 75 million people are raped and only 450k are convicted. 84-85% know their rapists. I find it beyond baffling. That's 63 million identifiable rapists. If there is an obsession I think the US is obsessed with avoiding the issue.

But dealing with your feelings about the injustice is yours and that's a legitimate deal too. And, like you said, it probably tied into other things and it's probably more complicated than it looks.

There is no doubt it is tied to other things. My Mom trying to put my Dad in prison after the divorce over $40k that went in a joint acct from the family business. He was convicted and won on appeal unanimously by the state supreme court. I was around 12 but I knew what happened to men in prison and it was in the newspaper. Who would put the father of their children in prison over money she spent some of? I despise her for it but I've never had the desire to do any violence towards her. I prefer letting her know how I feel and going no contact. Violence was done to my wife. I don't have moral qualms with violence being done to him but I do have qualms about going to jail so that is off the table. The injustice of it all leaves me angry in a very unhealthy way. I do my best to hide it. I have no doubt she's not the only person he raped. She doubts he knows that is what he did. I can tell you as a 16 year old I knew what was and wasn't acceptable. It had an extreme effect on her and damn if it hasn't me as well. You're right though. It's complicated.

 

[ILoveLife]

I didn't mean to call it an obsession as in you're wrong, not sure if it's healthy for you, that's all. Trying to look for your well being here, not scold you, I promise.

 

[Hooper]

I'm the one that said I obsess over it but part of that is trying to understand and get to a better place. The more I find out though the worse it gets. The discussion of sex is so taboo for some reason. We need to be more open about it. Predators walk the grey areas. Light needs to be shined on the grey areas and as difficult as it may be consent should be taught and discussed at a young age. Rape is clearly not acceptable but a prosecution success rate of 6 out of 1000 is even less acceptable. All I know to do is teach my sons and that is coming very soon.

 

[Nessa7]

"Can I offer a suggestion of maybe help out in women's shelters or institutions that help the abused? Might make you feel like you're helping, even if you don't give up on trying to find the perpetrator."

My wife and therapist suggested this. I think I might could help but I also think it would make me angrier than I already am.

Have you looked into what is needed in your area? A lot of women's shelters need help in ways that are very practical and wouldn't necessarily engage your emotions, like stuffing envelopes, cleaning facilities, or doing clerical work. Some places provide child care so that mothers can receive counseling and go to appointments.

 

[Hooper]

I have not looked into that but I think I could handle that. Appreciate the suggestion.

 

[Justmehere]

The possible obsessiveness of your focus really sticks out to me. It seems like that could be what is keeping you stuck and struggling. I'd actually be careful about jumping further into working with trauma victims until you feel like you have the ability to not obess about the subject.

It's one thing to get stuck on the trauma of a loved one, and to develop a passion about the issue overall that can fuel action. That usually helps people feel good. Maybe angry at times, but not stuck in obessive thoughts.

It's another obsess about the president and every rapist out there and to feel worse and worse.

You have the compulsion of acting on your obsessions in a way that doesn't help you feel better but worse - and that pattern is very OCD-like. I don't really know either way. It just strikes me that the obsessiveness of your focus seems strong, and you feel so compelled to act on the obsession. Hunting him down and focusing in on all the details and stats ... and feeling worse and worse (more and more angry) along the way...

Have you done any CBT work on beginning to break the obsessive thoughts to see what would happen with your anger and distress? Are you able to put away acting on the obessive thoughts about the rape and rape related issues for any length of time? To not seek out the perp and not follow stories about rape in the news and etc?

If you struggle to even put it away, it may be that you have a compulsive behavioral problem as a reaction to the pain and stress of what your loved one went through. Talk therapy and insight alone probably will only get you so far. Skills building, CBT, and structured work with the obessivenes might help you gain more relief... and finally be able to grieve.

Here's an example - I have a friend who worked with a very difficult disease. She became obsessive about washing her hands. She was studying a disease that killed people. It actually killed someone she loved. She was trying to gain control over a real problem... but then it went too far. She began to rub her hands raw. She felt distressed after washing her hands like she could never ever get them clean and really have control. Her obsession had a logical basis to it... but it went to far, and it began to control her. And the more she obsessed about it, the more she engaged in behaviors to act on and reinforce the obsession, and the worse and worse she felt.

It sounds like your obsession is beginning to control you. And if anyone was obsessing about the details of the problems of rape in society, and they could not stop and get a break, damn, even without the pain of a loved one being raped, they could reasonably be really really angry too. All the time.

For my friend, she had to work with a therapist to get to a point to be able to wash her hands once, and then put the soap away. To not then read about all the things about the disease and soaps and etc and etc. When she was able to stop the thoughts and stop the compulsive behaviors too, then was she able to face and work on the core issues that fueled the obsession in the first place.

It wasn't about never ever thinking about it and working through it, or never becoming empowered aboit the disease, but about regaining the choice to think about it for a time and not obsess uncontrollably.

You have a legit reason to be angry and sad and to need support to work through this. You have a legit reason to want to be informed and to educate your boys appropriately. It's something different to obsess about Cosby's victims and the president's misdeeds and so on and so on.

The good thing is that if (and it's a big if) this is an OCD like pattern (which can be brought on with big events like this) proper therapy (CBT) is super effective at reducing and resolving things like this --- and all the negative emotions that get much worse wih the obsessions, like anxiety and anger, usually get a lot better too.

It may not apply at all, in which case, feel free to disregard.