Well, this won't be a good intro - it took a long time to get registered and now Xanax has kicked in.
I have been dealing with this for ever-worsening degrees for 10 years.
I keep getting re-traumatized. (details later) and losing more and more people until there are none.
So the first thing I want to ask is how do I get treatment, assumming I could even find a good Doc, when I can't leave the dang house?
And yes I can force myself to sometimes - groceries and medicine. But keeping appoitments? No way.
My sleep schedule is beyond my control and since my sleep is heavily drugged I can't physically force myelf up for anything if say, my appointment is a noon but I didn't fall asleep until 6:AM - or even 4:AM.
I generally sleep 12 hours when I finally do get to.
My mother used to help sometimes - come and rouse me and ply me with coffee and then she drove which took away the getting myself out by myself component.
Anyway I' not good at explaining things - especially symptoms. I can only use examples.
But the bottom line is I have reached the ultimate stage here.
Internet said if I will only venture out for food and medicine I need IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION.
Yeah well I knew that.
But partially they mean drugs and I can't take any sort of anti-depressant.
I can't function inside either - my apt. is a trash can. It's gross.
Here's an example: my fridge is out. I have the money to buy a new one. But I haven't measured it, chosen one, purchased it, and figured out how to get this crap out of their way to get it in.
I could just toss it aside - I mean, it's a mess anyway, but then there are all these complications.
When they switch it out, one wants to clean underneath first. IDK how to hop in there and get that done.
And why I understand why there is no flooring in the kitchen (concrete) IDK why there isn't under the fridge but my Aunt says I need flooring at least under there before installing new fridge but she changed her mind about coming to help with that.
So I just keep going without. The freezer works so I am now waiting on milk to unfreeze so I can then drink it.
And I'm spending too much on fast food in the meantime but IDK what the fart to do!
I can do dishes. I can gather and take out trash. I can take a bath, but honestly I don't often. I quickly shower the main areas and that satisfies me. (gross I know - sorry). I used to shower and wash hair in the AM and bathe and shave legs before bed. Everyday.
If you told me years ago I'd not have washed my hair in a week I'd have laughed and laughed - totally unthinkable.
Paranoid of cavities and just liking a clean mouth I am battling brushing my teeth twice a day! Usually I don't.
Maybe once and then later on just mouthwash before bed.
My once perfect teeth have tartar and calculus but I can't go to the Dentist. I need that stuff scraped off and I surely have cavities now and I can't do all that.
I can't even get to pdoc appts. I can't make them. When I get panicked about running out of meds and I have a 'decent' day I call to see does a NP have a cancellation i can take? and I rush in and get that over with and back to my cave.
I think I need intensive program like what alcoholics do - I think they need for different reasons but I need to learn how to FUNCTION again.
I am not going to regular hospital. Been there done that. There is no real therapy.
They'd make me get up and follow a schedule for two weeks but it won't be enough. and I've done the 6 weeks day program after too - no help.
And it was all very expensive. I don't have that kind of money, so I guess dream of the kind of program I need is even more unrealistic.
I need family to live with who will help me learn to function again but there is no one. They are sick sick sick of me.
And they are out of time, money and energy for me.
So IDK why I am writing. None of the suggestions I've seen people give others on these forums are going to help.
I am in way way too deep.
The only person I ever 'knew' like this didn't have PTSD but his clinical depression made him like me.
He never left the house and didn't take care of the house or himself.
Family dropped off food on his porch. (I wish mine would do that!)
His son told me he eventually got better but IDK how.
I've given up. I don't LIKE being this way but it's easier - excpet when something like this fridge problem comes up.
Then I realize I have to reach at least a slightly higher level of functioning. But IDK how.
I am in a vacuum. I'm just here all alone. My Aunt doesn't understand MI s she is like 'well if this is how you want to live then ok'.
My Dad doesn't understand and doesn't have the means to help anyway.
So IDK. I wish to die a lot but I'm a coward.
Please excuse typos. It's due to a messed up computer I can't afford to replace. Well, I could but what little I have saved is for things like home and car repairs.
I tried buying a cheap chromebook but that was a mistake. It's too small and other issues - no good to me.
How am I supposed to return it though? I will have terrible time getting to store or UPS or however I'm supposed to mail it.
I just realized I wasn't supposed to write all this in my intro............sigh.
It belongs in a new thread.
*gah*
I have been dealing with this for ever-worsening degrees for 10 years.
I keep getting re-traumatized. (details later) and losing more and more people until there are none.
So the first thing I want to ask is how do I get treatment, assumming I could even find a good Doc, when I can't leave the dang house?
And yes I can force myself to sometimes - groceries and medicine. But keeping appoitments? No way.
My sleep schedule is beyond my control and since my sleep is heavily drugged I can't physically force myelf up for anything if say, my appointment is a noon but I didn't fall asleep until 6:AM - or even 4:AM.
I generally sleep 12 hours when I finally do get to.
My mother used to help sometimes - come and rouse me and ply me with coffee and then she drove which took away the getting myself out by myself component.
Anyway I' not good at explaining things - especially symptoms. I can only use examples.
But the bottom line is I have reached the ultimate stage here.
Internet said if I will only venture out for food and medicine I need IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION.
Yeah well I knew that.
But partially they mean drugs and I can't take any sort of anti-depressant.
I can't function inside either - my apt. is a trash can. It's gross.
Here's an example: my fridge is out. I have the money to buy a new one. But I haven't measured it, chosen one, purchased it, and figured out how to get this crap out of their way to get it in.
I could just toss it aside - I mean, it's a mess anyway, but then there are all these complications.
When they switch it out, one wants to clean underneath first. IDK how to hop in there and get that done.
And why I understand why there is no flooring in the kitchen (concrete) IDK why there isn't under the fridge but my Aunt says I need flooring at least under there before installing new fridge but she changed her mind about coming to help with that.
So I just keep going without. The freezer works so I am now waiting on milk to unfreeze so I can then drink it.
And I'm spending too much on fast food in the meantime but IDK what the fart to do!
I can do dishes. I can gather and take out trash. I can take a bath, but honestly I don't often. I quickly shower the main areas and that satisfies me. (gross I know - sorry). I used to shower and wash hair in the AM and bathe and shave legs before bed. Everyday.
If you told me years ago I'd not have washed my hair in a week I'd have laughed and laughed - totally unthinkable.
Paranoid of cavities and just liking a clean mouth I am battling brushing my teeth twice a day! Usually I don't.
Maybe once and then later on just mouthwash before bed.
My once perfect teeth have tartar and calculus but I can't go to the Dentist. I need that stuff scraped off and I surely have cavities now and I can't do all that.
I can't even get to pdoc appts. I can't make them. When I get panicked about running out of meds and I have a 'decent' day I call to see does a NP have a cancellation i can take? and I rush in and get that over with and back to my cave.
I think I need intensive program like what alcoholics do - I think they need for different reasons but I need to learn how to FUNCTION again.
I am not going to regular hospital. Been there done that. There is no real therapy.
They'd make me get up and follow a schedule for two weeks but it won't be enough. and I've done the 6 weeks day program after too - no help.
And it was all very expensive. I don't have that kind of money, so I guess dream of the kind of program I need is even more unrealistic.
I need family to live with who will help me learn to function again but there is no one. They are sick sick sick of me.
And they are out of time, money and energy for me.
So IDK why I am writing. None of the suggestions I've seen people give others on these forums are going to help.
I am in way way too deep.
The only person I ever 'knew' like this didn't have PTSD but his clinical depression made him like me.
He never left the house and didn't take care of the house or himself.
Family dropped off food on his porch. (I wish mine would do that!)
His son told me he eventually got better but IDK how.
I've given up. I don't LIKE being this way but it's easier - excpet when something like this fridge problem comes up.
Then I realize I have to reach at least a slightly higher level of functioning. But IDK how.
I am in a vacuum. I'm just here all alone. My Aunt doesn't understand MI s she is like 'well if this is how you want to live then ok'.
My Dad doesn't understand and doesn't have the means to help anyway.
So IDK. I wish to die a lot but I'm a coward.
Please excuse typos. It's due to a messed up computer I can't afford to replace. Well, I could but what little I have saved is for things like home and car repairs.
I tried buying a cheap chromebook but that was a mistake. It's too small and other issues - no good to me.
How am I supposed to return it though? I will have terrible time getting to store or UPS or however I'm supposed to mail it.
I just realized I wasn't supposed to write all this in my intro............sigh.
It belongs in a new thread.
*gah*