...beyond nervous.

[Hellolovely_]

Hello everybody that decides to read this. I'm a female and I'm 16 years old. I have to be honest I feel a little silly writing this and what I'm writing about but here I go anyways. Almost a year ago September I was...hm..touched inappropriately by my older cousin. I'll tell you the story. I live in Houston he lives in Dallas I was visiting we were in a movie theatre and he shoved my hand in his pants touching his privates. We then returned to his home where he forced me to his bed and told me "stfu you like this dick" and proceeded to pull his pants down and attempt to enter it vaginally until I clenched and jumped back crying so instead he flipped he over and rubbed on my butt with his penis. I don't remember anything else honestly I remember crying and then waking up in the morning with my clothes on. I get flash backs and memories and I hear his f*cking name all the time and I can't help but to self-harm. I tell myself all the time maybe I'm just over reacting it probabaly wasn't that bad or that serious. But I'm so hurt and so sad it feels that serious and I guess I wrote all of this for someone to tell me I'm not crazy and my feelings are legitimate I know it sounds dumb but it's hard to believe it actually happened. I guess I just want to believe it wasn't as bad as it was.. thank you for reading , thank you so much.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, dear young woman. NO ONE should have such a thing happen to them and it surely was not an OK thing for him to have done to you! That is at the very least an attempted rape, and at the worst, an actual rape, since you cannot remember all of it. Was there a possibility that he used some kind of drug on you, like the date rape drug, so that you would not remember what happened to you?

Also, is he an adult? If he is, he is also now a child molester and a sex offender for life, if you choose to file charges. Did you go to the Hospital and report that you were raped? Did you call the Police? You should. It will be very difficult, I know, but you should.

 

[Hellolovely_]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, dear young woman. NO ONE should have such a thing happen to them...

Thank you so much for reading the and replying! I really am not sure i poured our drinks and also sat by them the whole time so very unlikely. I honestly just think i was so shocked i kinda detached myself from the situation occurring. Yes I'm 16 and he is 18. I haven't told anyone not my mother family anybody. Im way to nervous & shameful. I know i should you're completely right but i would honestly feel way to disgusting about myself letting any of the words I've typed come out my mouth. Its really hard..

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, I know what you mean about it being really tough to tell anyone. I did not tell a soul until about 20 years later. It was too late to go to court then and I would not have wanted to anyway. Facing him and having to tell a whole room of folks would have been beyond me, especially having to deal with the defense attorney. I have heard they can be brutal!

None the less, I have heard good things here about others, those who have gone the court route. They do sometimes get justice, the guy ends up in prison and it was worth it. It just wasn't for me. I'm in my mid-60s now. We didn't speak about such things back then. People do speak about them more now though. And at least we have these Forums. We can and do find solace here!

 

[Hellolovely_]

Exactly I use to see shows based on what I'm going through and my reaction was "just tell her you'll feel better!" oh how naive i was. Cause it is NOT easy letting those words fall out of your mouth. Overtime i try i get choked up and change the subject. Yeah I couldn't do that I can't even tell my own mother in our own house. I really would love to get justice and I know that if I was to tell my mom she would want to as well part of another reason why I don't want to tell her. I don't want her telling anybody else. Im really sorry about what happened to you and I hope over the years you've found peace in your situation you're really kind & deserve it.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, thankfully, God give me peace. I pray a lot, both for myself and others. That helps me.

 

[Hellolovely_]

Here I am wide awake at 2:15 AM. Thinking of the one thing I'd like to do right now , kill myself. Most people write on here very grammatically correct, great punctuation but you're reading my diary so get ready for a lot of f*ck ups. (: Night time always seems to be the time by mind would rather reminisce and overthink things that have happened in the past that I'd rather forget and say it never happened. Growing up I wasn't the best example of perfection. My dad was addicted to meth I saw him beat my mom so bad with a sneaker that he broke her jaw , I've been given imaging dye for a MRI and I remember very vividly going back in the machine and not being able to breathe and hearing the red alarms and 57 doctors surround me at once I also remember being touched inappropriately by my older cousin. All of these things hit me all at once EVERY SINGLE f*ckING NIGHT. I cry every night.. well most nights I think about those things and get teary eyed and I slap myself because crying is a sign of weakness and I'm not weak. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist I don't f*cking know. Just some lady that's gonna ask me about my mental health. No one knows I've been touched before..only a year ago. I've been very conflicted if I want to tell this person I have. I know what you're thinking..I'm a magician lol no I'm not. But I know you're thinking "well why're you writing/admitting it here?" I don't know if this is normal or not but I've been forgetting certain parts of what happened to me they come and go. And when they go I feel like my story is less real or authentic , proven , not imaginary. I want it here so that I will never forget and I will never feel as if I'm wrong. I blame myself for everything that's happened in my life. My mom , being touched. I was 8 at the time granted but I've always been a kid not afraid to fight but I couldn't fight him off my mom. I didn't protect her like a piece of shit I stood there behind a fake f*cking plant and cried while I watched my mom get her face beaten in. And what did I do? Nothing. I'm weak I'm very weak. He touched me I said no but I remember not saying anything anymore. I remember being so still I could feel me trembling I remember not have a single tear fall from my eyes after awhile I just remember never being able to close them. And I still can't. I'm ruined. I'm broken. I'm unwanted. I'm weak. I'm wasted goods. I'm everything I don't want to be. I just really wanna cry. I do. I think I've run out of tears. Thank you for reading if you got this far , have a good day.