Relationship Bitterness And How To Be The Best I Can For Him

[PeekieBlue]

I am so sorry to hear that you have had such a bad time recently, I imagine you must be feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted? As much as you are struggling with your emotions concerning the split up between you and your partner you seem to have kept your head straight so to speak with regards to making the decision to leave and realising he has to sort things out himself now. You sound like a very strong person and I take my hat off to you for making the move that you have. I really do hope that your partner seeks further help, it sounds as though the help he had been receiving is not being very effective. Are you in the uk? Has he contacted combat stress? Feel free to have a conversation with me anytime you need to 'sound off'.

 

[HollyB]

I just wanted you to know that there are others out here who feel just as you do.

Seconded.

 

[blstrauc]

Having a tough week, how about you guys?

 

[HollyB]

Just when I was getting used to the rickety wooden rollercoaster that only has peaks and valleys, we're now on a turbo speed coaster doing loop-dee-loops...ugh.

 

[blstrauc]

Ok here's the deal because I need to vent and I need advice badly.
Bf got a DUI on Thanksgiving. Had been drinking daily,even in between classes/during the day, not looking for a job, etc, so it was really only a matter of time.

He has since stopped drinking, hasn't touched it since the incident and also has begun therapy. This was definitely a wakeup call for him.

I'm so frustrated, but he got the DUI during a really rockbottom time, during which time he had agreed to go to therapy and start helping himself, so I made sure to not yell or snap or scream even though I wanted to.

This past Sunday we were supposed to go to the Bahamas on vacation. I worked all summer to save and pay on this trip, and it would have been my only break since I graduated college in May. Needless to say this trip was cancelled because we are waiting on his court hearing and sentence etc. The money we both lose for cancelling so short notice will be around $300 each in best case scenario.

Also we had just begun talk of planning to move in together next year and figuring that stuff out and I guess if I want a place of my own that's something I'm on my own with again. Its not looking likely that he'll be able to get a job until the DUI stuff is over with.

He's been sweet to me lately, not perfect or fake, but really trying to show he appreciates me.
He also has begun therapy and it being open as he can to it and has quit drinking, which I know is killing him.

I'm just so angry and I don't know what to do. I admit its really difficult to not be bitter and angry towards him, he does realize he made a mistake, but it ends up effecting me quite a bit and making him depend on me further.

Help? :(

 

[blstrauc]

Some days I just want to shake him and say "Please! Just one thing at a time!" and other days I just want to hug him.

Such is life.

 

[amethist]

Have you a counselor you can let all this out to blstauc, it may help you move forward.

Keeping it all in wont help you in the long term, as if he has a slip up, which is possible, you will then explode big style.

So try and find a safe outlet for all of it, you will be glad you did.

 

[blstrauc]

I've been debating therapy, I don't know what to do. I feel as if I go to therapy he's going to assume he's 'ruining my life' to the point I need a therapist. I know he already feels that way.

I've tried working out and doing heavy bag cardio, like boxing. It helps some.

 

[amethist]

I talk to people when I need to and hubby knows it. Its a release of all the tension that is created in a PTSD relationship, and it has to go somewhere.

Therapy is better than you falling a part completely.

 

[Bella3]

B-

Please consider at least thinking about therapy. I just started and have only been to 2 sessions, but it's helped SO MUCH already. Both times I had "take-aways" from each session.

Week 1- The therapist helped me see that coping with PTSD is secondary. The core issue is whether I have it in me to remain in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable most of the time, and may or may not get better. If my answer to that is yes, then we can proceed with coping strategies.

Week 2- I've been trying too hard to control my feelings, or to determine how much he cares by how he shows it. I learned that his feelings are his. How he shows me, doesn't mean that he cares any less for me, just that it's how he is showing it at this time.
More importantly, I learned that I don't have to change my feelings for him- but I can chose to change my actions.

In 2 weeks, I've learned so much about what I have going on inside of me. Honestly, the first week, I came out of therapy angry & frustrated. Not sure why... maybe because I was confronted with my own feelings and the outcome of my decisions... and that this will not be an easy ride- whether I stay or whether I go.

All in all, I feel that I am on a path to make myself better. And in the end, how can we be of any good to anyone else, if we are not okay.

Lots of love, and best of luck.

Bella.