Bittersweet Turned Into So Much Heat

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

After 26 days, I finally got to talk with her.... Awwwww was so bittersweet, only 5 minutes but nevertheless, still got to talk with her. I wished to have been able to talk longer, but was being rushed and bombarded by the local newspaper, camera crew and panel board for a much anticipated position.

The evening before, my mother had called and left a message on my voice mail expressing concern for my wife, how she could use a break from the baby, how the baby can use a break from her too and our children in regards to child daycare concerns and costs and other associated stresses that go along with finding a child care facility. Oh, and of course how much my little guy is so "hyper-diaper" and my stepdaughter is into her SPARKS (girl guides) again.

I am diagnosed with PTSD and up until recently, (26days ago) caused me my family, my wife, my best friend, my stepdaughter my son and now a costly legal battle too. However, being diagnosed with PTSD and having associated symptoms, DOES NOT mean that you have no heart or no feelings or will not try and be there for your family unconditionally... maybe temporarily during a "PTSD outbreak" may seem like I don't, but for the most part I always am, even if it puts me at risk. My wife and family know this about me.

So I called back and left a message with my mom reassuring her that I would legally work something out mutually beneficial for everyone and that I will call my partner and run it by her first before we sign into everything.

I spent all the next day working on this in court and with my lawyer and child protection services and my psychologist too, even the religious figure of our life together. We were all synched together and a few proposed stipulations later, including me to do some jail time on weekends, we would finally be seemingly stress free. She would have a break and get to take up more hobbies and/or work, I get to hang out with the kids and be part of their life again, but the most important part of it all, is that I can start attempting spending the rest of my life making up for all the remorseful things I have said and done in the past during these "PTSD outbreaks"

I haven't eaten all day and was already running late for the dinner part of my event, but I DIDNT care. My priority was my wife and family. For the first time in a long long time I felt useful, I felt like a provider, it made me feel so good to be able to do something for them, as opposed to them always doing something for me.

I must have tried calling about 10 times, but chickened out because I was so nervous to hear her voice and teared up just thinking of how I would say "hi" "hello" "hey" "what's up"? That last one was stupid, I know.

Thinking back now, I don't even know what I said, we so nervous, even more nervous when she didn't hang up! As soon as I heard her voice, was like music, was so bittersweet. I had goosebumps all over yet my shirt was almost soaked of sweat from being so nervous.

I was so taken back and memorized to hear my best friend on the other line that I got carried away and started trying to soothe her mind and any fear that she has of me taking our fight lightly and updated her of all these programs and support groups I started taking to get better and prevent this of happening again.

I can hear my little guy in the background jabbering away, so I was trying to listen to him and changed the subject to how is SHE doing and that it must be really hard for her.

She started arguing with me and I told her I promised not to argue or fight with her but at the same time, I was being cued to go on stage and in front the panel for this speech, which incidentally, I was nowhere near prepared for because I wanted to take care of us first. I told her that I'm up, but will call her right after? She said OK and good luck!

Just hearing her voice and talking with her momentarily and having a sense of peace of mind, really made my day. I felt so good about doing the right thing.

I proceeded to the panel of judges and the local news and camera crew, all of a sudden, I was ready! It was like she was right there with me supporting me through this. I didn't even need to prepare anymore. Instead of talking about credentials and qualifications..... I started talking about how I feel, how I felt, what I felt about my wife and best friend and what PTSD has done to our relationship.

As I started talking and thinking about what PTSD has done to our life, our relationship, our family, my wife and how it has affected her and her social life and family too.... I couldn't help myself to prevent the choking up and the "allergies" that came down my face thunderously. As I'm writing this, the exact same emotions are being relived. I hate to say this, but last was like a buffet of emotions for me. It wasn't until last night that I realized what I had put her through.

How is anyone or anybody capable of inflicting this kind of hurt?

By the end of our presentation, I say our because everyone got emotionally involved too, it felt like one big trauma support group. I really really needed that not just for me, but to understand and realize what she was and is going through too :(

I immediately tried calling her, with 2 of the bunch of quarters collected through the audience, which incidentally was really nice of them. At this point, they probably already sleeping, so the next morning I will try again.

This morning now, I was going to call, but then reminiscing on how my little guy was jabbering away and thought it would be really nice to surprise him and see his expressions in person :)

Also, I wanted to give my wife something to say sorry, yet thank you as a token of my appreciation for continuously being there for me...... now it's my turn to be there for her.

I found the perfect CD with the perfect song that describes exactly how she makes me feel and what she is to me.

Without hesitation or thinking for that matter, I headed straight over to her place, knocked on the door, waited, rang doorbell.... then dawned on me... Maybe she's nervous that I'm here? We haven't seen or talked to each other for 26days! I left the CD with a note to listen to track number 28 and immediately left and decided to just take baby steps and cal her from a pay phone

I called and the phone answered but disconnected. So I tried to call again, at which point she says to stop calling or she will call the police?

I called my mom and asked her that if she talks to my wife if she can tell her that there is some information that I would like her to go over and if she's OK with the proposed stipulations, we could be like family again :)

Moms called me back really upset and hurt and disappointed too. My wife was upset with her and yelling at her and condescending me to her about tell your son this and tell your son that and I don't want to be friends or communicate with him .... this is yelling at someone who has never judged my wife or yelled at her, always very supportive and there for her.

The was so uncalled for. Clearly she was upset, upset with me, but mom's was just trying to help everyone together in the situation with all our best interest in mind. :(

I do accept that I created all that heat. I just wished it was my dad that my wife yelled at, not my mom as she just got out the hospital :(

That being said: as a PTSD sufferer, I now realize the ramifications, the consequences, the hurt, the pain, the hatred and animosity that is all entangled.... all negative....

However: why is it that nobody remembers the positive? Nobody remembers or acknowledges that we have hearts and feelings too? We have to live with our actions and consequences too...

Please, please, please DONT get me wrong and think that I am justifying a supporter or anyone else for that matter to be victimized or abused, that's not what I'm saying at all.

But there are some sufferers like me, that I believe, really are good good guys that the PTSD just gets the worst of them. But we try and get help, join groups, sessions, courses, all to better ourselves proactively.

However: I can't say that I support any PTSD suffer that inflicts that kind of hurt and still doesn't seek help to get better or contain it.
I'm sorry, but it's ones like you that give ones like us that are trying.... no chance at all!

Would an I'll minded or intentionally abusive partner have spinal surgery, barely able to lift more than 10 pounds focus on his stepdaughter and a tradition they started together to get a Christmas tree, just to see her smile?

Would an intentional abusive person make a big spectacle at a theatre, block all entrances and exits restricting anyone in or out until they found that little 5year old?

Would an intentionally abusive person have it in them to create a fun step daddy and step daughter cooking show?

Would an intentionally abusive person rub the tummy of that of a sick child until they were all better?

Would an intentionally abusive person take care of his sick partner when she sick or take care of her personal hygiene when needed while she pregnant?

Would an intentionally abusive person make sure his partner is calm and relaxed during the ride to hospital giving birth... making sure anything but SOCA music was playing?

Would an intentionally abusive person clear the way of stand buyers cover his partner and deliver their baby?

Why is it that nobody remembers the person underneath the PTSD?

 

[Britt.f7]

Right now, the bad event is closer to the forefront. Do what you have to do to get better. They may need to see that first. They may see it and they may never see it. I hope for your sake, they do come around. It must be horrible to feel what you are feeling, but they are probably scared on top of that. It is not only your world that got turned around. Their's did to. Give them time. Keep up on your end of the deal. Don't try to rush it. Good luck.

 

[ill]

I'm not sure it matters whether a person intends to be abusive or not - the results are the same either way. And sometimes abusive people do behave in perfectly lovely, sweet, considerate ways. That's why it's a cycle.

You may think your wife being upset with and yelling at your mom is uncalled for, but if your wife was unwilling to talk to you, you should've respected her boundary and listened to her instead of asking your mom to intervene on your behalf. You're effectively trying to manipulate your way around her boundaries and your mother assisted you. "Stop calling me me" is a boundary. Disrespecting this boundary is harassment. I don't think you realize how serious that is. How can your wife feel safe with you when she's not allowed to have time and space from you? And whose best interests are you and your mother actually acting in when your wife has said that she doesn't want to talk to you or deal with this right now? Why did your desire to inform her right now take precedence over her explicitly stated boundary?

I'm not surprised that this really upset your wife and that she was angry and yelling. It was inappropriate for you and your mother to do that. If you want to be a family again, you have to start with some basic respect here, and what you did was disrespectful no matter your intentions. What you did was try to force your way in through the back door when she wouldn't let you in the front. I get that you want your family back together, but it seems pretty clear that your wife needs time and space. If you want any chance of ever getting her back, you should probably start heeding her boundaries.

Given the mention of multiple government agencies, something pretty major must have happened. 26 days is not a lot of time, and if violence was a concern then, it is likely to be especially frightening to her that you are showing up unannounced and also violating her boundaries. I understand that you're actively working to improve yourself, and I commend you for that, but if I'm reading what you wrote correctly, you've only been doing that for 26 days. That is less than a month. It's a good start, but it is just that - a start. You cannot expect your wife to jump back in just because you feel like you've made progress. She may not feel comfortable or safe or ready to be a family again, now or ever. You need to respect that, even if you don't like it.

 

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

Brit.f7

You are right, her world did get turned upside down too. Especially for her, repeating yet another failed relationship due to physical and emotional abuse. I just don't want our son going through the same relationship with me as his sister is with her dad. It hurts me to listen to her beg for her dad to want to see or even talk to her :(

Thank you for your positive encouragement to keeping my head up.

 

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

I'll

Thank you for your reply. You are somewhat correct in your understanding of the post.

You may be right in showing up unannounced probably did scare her, but that was far from my intention. I was there all of 45 seconds then left after I realized that maybe she wouldn't be comfortable with that. Perhaps when I said " I have to go, but will call you later" with her reply to "ok, good luck" I assumed we were on talking terms. Nevertheless, I get it now.

As far as only 26days of help, no, it's been 26days since we have been apart. I've been getting help for just over a year now. However, in the last 26 days, there is this one major organization that i have been trying to get into for 2 years that I finally got into. Thank you for your insight there though, you are right, 26 days of help is just barely a start.

As far as getting back my wife to where we were..... That's by far, NOT what I want, and the absolute LAST thing intended !! I just want to be a father to my son, a best friend to my best friend, a daddy to his boy.

As far as mom is involved, she was just trying to help the BOTH of us, she was neutral. I could easily play the blame game too and ask why is she sending messages through my mom to me getting me upset at my mom too... But I don't, mom is or should I say was neutral. But you are right, there are some people that after not getting through the front door, they try the back.... That definitely is or was not nor never will be the situation with my wife and I.

However, that being said, my wife yelling and disrespecting my mom, is a boundary that she has crossed, whether intentionally or not. Just like when I have a PTSD outbreak, there are boundaries that I cross and unfortunately, once crossed, extremely hard to cross back over and I'm forced to deal with the consequences.

I went to my mothers place like I do every morning at 6:23am to check up on her and see how she is doing and just wait around until she tosses and turns around 7:30am where at that point, I exclaim "oh, did I wake you"?
This morning she was already up? The first thing she mentioned was that this was the first time my wife had yelled or disrespected her :(

Being as neutral as she is and like a second mother to my wife, it obviously upset her. My wife is a different person now.
Which incidentally, is probably good for her. I'm proud of her for calling the police, putting me in check, giving me a wake up call, but going about it the way she is now, I don't agree with nor do I think is in the best interest for anyone, especially the kids.

Now, you most likely will disagree, however, keep in mind not all situations are the same and not all people with PTSD are a threat?

Unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way you look at it, the common denominator here is that EVERYBODY is fed up and at a stand still. My family no longer wants to be in any part of this or wants nothing to do with reaching out to her or supporting her any longer. She acts like she is the Queen and everybody has to bow down to her or answer to her every beck and call. She leaves my mom no choice but the only way she can see her grandson after getting out of the hospital with pneumonia, is to bundle up and go over to her place in the worst weather conditions with no regard for her health.

EVERYBODY, well my wife and I, are absolutely selfish, immature, inconsiderate, and have no regard or thoughts or seemingly no interest in our children's best interest? I have PTSD and brought out the worst in me to contribute to this predicament we are in, but I am trying, really really trying. My wife's excuse?

After thinking about it, was I really that bad a person in the end then when we first met? I was never violent, but seemed out help for counseling together with my partner, then got diagnosed, then got married, progressively the PTSD was getting better, then we had a child. All of her past relationships, and there were a LOT, all failed miserably. She has 2different kids with 2 different fathers, which is not a bad thing, but if she failed her daughters relationship with her father, why would she want to see the same thing happen again?

I have met and got to know her other baby father.... He actually is NOT a bad guy? I believe she is the problem!
She caused or forced that daddy and daughter bond to break and grow apart! It's like she is insecure with the love with her children and that would explain why she so adamant against me seeing my son, even though all these government agencies no threat in me or my record basing everything on this one isolated incident!

As far as all the government agencies and bodies involved, it wasn't as a result of necessary declarations or procedures. It was that vouching for the character witness for BOTH my wife and I together willing to compromise and amicably work out something in BOTH our best interest in regards to our children not to each other. Like I mentioned in my post, it was intended to give her a break, our little guy a break, our step daughter a break and me too, even though you may not think I need it. Essentially it was intended for breathing room for all of us, more importantly, our 9month old to be around his family too.

Without prejudice, I know, as a reader, whether a sufferer or supporter, it is equally hard to form or base judgement on people or their situations based on what you read here. There's always 3 sides to every story.... Mine, hers and the truth.
Thank you for your time with the rant and I apologize if you take any of it personal.

 

[ill]

Your wife asked you not to phone her. You solicited your mother to phone your wife on your behalf. That is not neutral. That is you attempting to reach out and have contact with your wife via your mother. That is you (and your mother) disrespecting your wife's clearly articulated boundary. You do not have to understand, like or agree with her boundary for it to be her boundary, or for it to constitute harassment when you (and your mother) choose to disregard it. That kind of behaviour is problematic and she could ask the police for a restraining order against you and/or your mother if you continue to behave as you have.

I understand that you had positive intentions/motivations behind wanting to talk to your wife and that you were hoping to set up some relief for the two of you. That is a great idea, but the execution was poor. You didn't actually have to disregard and disrespect her boundaries. You could've communicated with her via letter, email, a phone call on another day, lawyer or a neutral mediator. Why couldn't/didn't you respect her boundary? Seriously, WHY? (I'm capitalizing because I think it's a crucially important question, not because I'm yelling, to be clear.) How is you calling your wife through your mother you *not* trying to get in the back door? Were I in your wife's shoes, I would regard that as bullying and harassment by both of you. Instances like these may be one reason your wife requires your mother to visit your child at her house. It's also possible that your wife requires your mother to visit her grandchild at her house because she doesn't know if/when you might be there. If she has a concern that you may unexpectedly show up, that may cause wariness.

You've met her first child's father and now you know that she's the problem? Really? She has a pretty good reason right now for not wanting you in the home, perhaps she has a similarly good reason with him too. Also, there are legal rights he could fight for if he wanted to be a part of his daughter's life and felt that your wife was hindering him. Their relationship isn't actually your business and I'm not sure why you're being so disparaging of your wife in your last post, but it seems suspect especially after all the positivity in your first post. Furthermore, it's not your place to articulate a boundary for your mother regarding the yelling and its consequences. The relationship between your wife and your mother is between them, just as yours with your wife is between the two of you. Stop trying to enlist other people's help in fighting your battles and stop jumping in the middle of other people's battles.

I am fully aware that not everyone with PTSD is a threat. However, 26 days is not a long way out from needing the police and I can certainly understand and respect your wife's decision to be cautious with herself and her children. Would you not be as careful as you could possibly be with the lives of your children if you perceived a threat to them? Whether you want to accept or believe it or not, she may experience you as a threat. And, frankly, your blatant disregard for and attempt to manipulate your wife's boundaries would only reinforce that experience. If you can't even respect a simple boundary like "Don't call me," why should she trust you with something more important?

 

[bell]

I think it's going to be hard for any if us to really help you if you don't actually share what happened. Sharing what happened of course is your choice. I suggest stop blaming your wife and put that energy into helping yourself. Who deems you what (either now or in the past) doesn't even matter! All that matters is how you work on you becoming the best you can be... A quest which takes years. No matter if it's 26 days or 26 months, you were the one who had the episode and you're the one that is going to have to fix it.

 

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

Now I understand why both you are on here too!

 

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

I thought this was supposed to be unbiased non judgemental

 

[bell]

Seriously? After years of fighting my PTSD the wrong way and alienating other people, things didn't start looking up until I realized I was the problem, not everyone else. It meant taking a good hard look in the mirror and really wanting to be the best me I could be in order to start improving my life. If you're stuck on blaming everyone else (esp when the police were called on your actions) and want to get mad at people here who are only trying to help, you're in some serious denial about the work you need to do to improve.

 

[ill]

Now I understand why both you are on here too!

Is it common for you to lash out at people when you don't get the response or behaviour that you want from others? I ask because that's how I'm interpreting this comment and the disparaging remarks you made about your wife. What do you hope to achieve from this comment?

I thought this was supposed to be unbiased non judgemental

What does unbiased and nonjudgmental look like to you? If I'd agreed entirely with your account while ignoring the red flags I perceived, would that have been unbiased and nonjudgmental?

 

[NotAllWoundsRVisible]

I appreciate both your concerns and replies.

However, it's being blown out of proportion here.
Thank you