Relationship Bizzare Behavior? Ptsd Or Personal?

[JaneDoe13]

Its difficult to write this as a person whose occupation is in mental health care. Despite 22+ years of education I'm absolutely baffled but what recently occurred to me. PTSD is not my area so I'm seeking some information here. Very ashamed to even be asking.

I met a former service man who is well accomplished, smart, funny and seemed too good too be true. He did have several deployments and suffered from a TBI. Over the course of two weeks this man pursued me with an intensity and pace that even my own skepticism and cynical nature could not protest.

Hes currently not employed so I thought nothing of his multiple emails, beautifully written love letter quality, lengthy texts, and the hand written notes on the card he delivered with my favorite flowers. He asked me to meet his family right after our first date and I put that off for the entire week until Sunday. Its obvious that we did indeed have a special connection and have share a bizzare amount in common in terms of values, core beliefs and even superficial things like interests. His family said he hadn't introduced a woman to them in years.

Yesterday things took a bizzare turn. Literally 12 hours after getting messages about how close he feels to me and how grateful he is that I am comfortable with emotions (job Hazzard) and that he appreciates that I want to be let in etc. He flipped out. To protect his privacy I'll be vague but he basically dropped off the planet for 5 hours after being mean on the phone (sounded like a different person). This is a complete 180 so I texted him a lengthy message, which is not unusual since he tended to text call or email me on the hour every hour for the past 14 days I havent been able to keep up.
End result he became argumentative and didnt sound like himself. I asked if he could call instead of text and he refused. Then he said I smothered him and he wasnt attracted to me. I just stopped talking to him because those are bordering on abusive things to say given the nature of his pursuit and all my initial resistance. The only friction between us was my assertion that he not speak curtly to me if I have an emotion or he has one. He stated that he hates emotions. He doesnt want to discuss them all the time. I wasnt requesting that he did.

The behavior is so bizzare that clinicaly I'm wondering about substance problem. However I need to step out of that role and ask if any of this sounds familiar to anyone. Im flabbergasted at the behavior. I went out of my way to accommodate his pursuit and he opened up to me then this happened.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated

 

[Shaan]

I feel sad. But I have nothing to say. I hope there are others who could help you in some way.

 

[Laura 2]

Texting every hour for 14 days? Meeting his family after the first date? TBI? Did that not ring any bells for you as a MH worker?

"Too good to be true". You know what they say..."If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is!"

You identified that his behaviour had become abusive and stopped talking to him. Heed your own wisdom...:tup:

We can't tell you what to do or think but, personally, I'd be running a world-breaking mile away, changing my phone number/email etc. and entirely forgetting that I have a MH carer/fixer streak!

Take care of yourself.

 

[Go Hungry]

That is definitely weird. Too weird to continue with in my opinion. Actually the whole thing is, the whirlwind romance. That's kind of hinky in itself. I know that in my past there were times when I would run hot and cold, when I would be so crazy in love and then something would change and I would run from the person I was getting involved with. Notice how he wanted you to meet his parents within a week of your first date, but now he's blaming you for coming on too strong and smothering him? That's high-grade projection. It's a bummer. I'm sorry this happened, because he sounds like a great guy, but if he's acting this way, I would pass. Just give him the space he desires.. But watch out, in a few weeks or months he may come on strong again, trying to get you back in his life. It happens.

:hug:

 

[Justmehere]

You should be proud of asking for outside input and support. It means you are wise enough to know what's outside of your expertise. It doesn't make you any less of a pro at what you do for a living. Also, personal relationships are different. The best trauma therapists usually are in their own therapy or have outside supervision because even they need that outside input too.

First and foremost, it is never a symptom of PTSD to be a jerk. Some of what you describe is just him being mean. Good for you for not allowing it to continue in your life.

Quickly diving that deep into a relationship and then pulling away so dramatically sounds way more borderline than a PTSD "shut out" where people push others away because the intimacy is too much.

Reading up on attachment problems in general as well as "shut outs" here on the forum like here (https://www.myptsd.com/c/search/9820371/?q=Shut out&o=date&c[title_only]=1)

No matter what is going on with him, and especially if this is PTSD related, it seems like it is way more about him than you. I highly suggest continuing to hold good and clear boundaries about what is and isn't ok with you in the relationship. Don't pressure or push, just be clear. It also may be good this happened so quickly so you can re-consider if this is the right relationship for you right now. That's what dating is all about.

Even if you two are meant for each other, the way he so quickly dived in and was introducing you to family after one week, something he had not done for years, is a big red flag to me. And the fact that you too would let it go so fast - that might be something to look into what might have been drawing you to the relationship too.

I work with kids with PTSD in foster care as a professional. I have learned I have to constantly really be extra aware of when I need to put away my "helper" role when I am in non-professional relationships. This is a really common problem thing for many mental health professionals and it takes extra skill to do with relationships people who have trauma.

In a nutshell, yeah, his actions are really bizarre, PTSD or not.[DOUBLEPOST=1402504930,1402504722][/DOUBLEPOST]One last thought - some of what you describe sounds a little like some kids and adults with brain injuries that I have worked with. Maybe there is a diagnosed or undiagnosed traumatic brain injury in the picture from one of the traumas he has survived.

 

[JaneDoe13]

Thank you all and yes maybe I didn't type it. Theres a significant TBI history and other executive functions are impaired mirroring ADHD. Unfortunately I am all to familiar with the attachment literature. I think we always want it to be something else when our gut tells us Red Flag. Especially for a cynical person like me whose friends encouraged me to let myself "fall a little" I always say there's a reason for boundaries standards and expectations. I have those. This is just so strange and I'm far more apt to believe all of it was more on the end of sociopathy as too good too be true usual just signals dubious plots to me.

However I haven't dated former military men and wasn't sure if this was related. I knew their were issues just not this kind. For example, I was impressed with his patience with my hesitance to meet in person for a while. I'm pretty safety conscious due to work. But then the floodgates opened.

Thank you all so much.

I welcome the input and any additional thoughts.

 

[Justmehere]

I want to clarify that what I see as bizzare isn't him calling you smothering or saying he don't attracted to you alone. That's painful, and especially painful and weird to do after diving in so quick.

What is most weird is that everything went so fast and that you all were texting every hour and meeting family and etc. It sounds like he was almost obsessed with you, and you were ok with it, wanted him to let you in more, and hurt when perhaps he realized he was in too deep or you were human like all people. Just the fact that he strangely had so many similar interests - that happens sometimes when people are super obessed. Suddenly they like everything the object of their obsession likes. You initially resisted, and this might have been a case where your first instinct to do that was right on.

I would not be surprised that someone in therapy (or in need of therapy) from trauma that is dating a therapist might have some intense positive transference happen with the person they are dating too. You probably are really good with emotions and listening and validating - things he has probably been lacking for a long time.

I also think that if you are looking for a relationship that doesn't involve someone speaking "curtly" when upset or angry, then perhaps being in relationship with someone with a lot of PTSD symptoms might not be for you.

Having PTSD means having not as much room to regulate emotions as well as others - and sometimes that does mean more frankness. Our stress cups get full quicker and start overflowing faster, because the PTSD stress is there already. Calling someone else names, that is abusive. PTSD never ever includes or excuses flat out abusive behaviors.

Saying someone is smothering and they are not attracted to you is frank, and isn't really bordering on being abuse. It's his opinion. It's pretty painful to hear, but to start seeing it as symptoms of substance abuse points to more going on with you, not just him.

Being gone for 5 hours - that would be common in relationships NOT impacted by PTSD. After an argument, getting a little space from the person for a few hours is one way to chill and re-regulate emotions. If he had avoided you for 5 days... That's different. No human could sustain through all normal relationship ups and downs to have hourly texting contact. Space sometimes can be healthy.

I think there might be a case to be said that you could also be over pathologizing his behaviors.

It is all very bizzare. But it's bizzare he got in so deep and so fast. Now that I think more about it, it could be because you are so good at things therapists are really good at and that people with trauma sometimes really crave - being heard, validated, etc. He got himself in so deep so fast, it makes sense he felt overwhelmed and backed up.

But a 5 hour break and saying he's smothered - he should have taken responsibility for his own actions in getting too deep too fast. But I don't think it's a sign of drug abuse.

Slow and steady with (or even without) PTSD is sometimes key to building healthy intimate relationships.

Having TBI present in the picture too makes a lot of sense - it increases reactivity, emotional liability, and sometimes can lead to some more obsessive patterns of behavior. His over the top diving in and then pulling back has tone to it that feels like he is missing some skill to really regulate and moderate out both good and bad feelings.

I think it was great you went very slow to meet in person, and I think it might be good this all happened so soon so that you know more of what you are in for too.

My heart goes out to you both. Good luck on your journey to figure it out.

 

[JaneDoe13]

I realize its hard on a message board to communicate this in order to protect confidentiality. The in common things were investigated and substantiated by me as they came up. Of course I wanted to assure all the things he was saying were true so I did some recon. This wasnt an issue of he found out my favorite color was green and then rapidly painted his room green and wore green clothing. It was a list of a bizzare amount of niche interests education and experiences.

I am actually very familiar with and treat cd issues frequently and trauma is the root of most of our urges to escape or avoid. I fully own my part in falling for things I shouldn't have. I cant condone conflicting messages that occur 10 hours apart, lying or rapid voice changes followed by curtness. Double bind communication is harmful to all of us. It was the rapid nature and that it occurred after a disclosure of personal info.
Thank you all so much! Its a learning experience.

 

[Justmehere]

You keep talking about confidentiality, and it's very much your choice what you share and vet good to consider leaving out personal details to protect your privacy. But you phrase it like you are protecting his - which is ok - but you also still sound like you are on therapist role with him.

If I was dating someone like you, I might feel that vibe too - and whenever I share personal vulnerable info in therapy, it's hard to not freak out afterwards.

 

[nursenurse]

Run far away. Period. I won't get into the whole issue, you know yourself that this relationship started off on a very heated beginning like a horse race. Leave him be, count your blessings and opt for a healthier person. You do not want to be his therapist, and as a therapist you need someone who at least starts off stable for more than 2 weeks. I think him smothering you with all that attention is a sign of instability.

Good luck.