Black Sheep

[Lionheart]

He didn't seem to understand PTSD at all. He kept comparing his own life to mine

Hi Muzikluvr, welcome to the forums.

I had a therapist that was a so called expert in the field. He made the mistake of comparing my history to his being shot in the shoulder. I fired him. If you have read my story I think you will understand why. I hope you are able to find a better therapist for yourself. Let us know how it goes, ok?

 

[Muzikluvr]

Abusers always try to transfer blame. That's what your dad did too. I just want you to know you don't have to carry it. It belongs to him and only him.

Nyx, Thank you so so much for your words. I didn't get it at first because you started off about abusers and you said that's what my dad did too. I thought you were calling him an abuser like he was a rapist. And I have a difficult time calling him abusive, although he most certainly was in the way he dealt with me. He didn't hit me, or rape me or anything. He ignored me and he taught others to ignore me. He made fun of me, and he invalidated everything about me. He expected me to see the world the way he does and ignore my own experience, in fact he took offense whenever I didn't see the world the way he does. He thought I was embarrassing him on purpose when I asked questions to try to understand where the events in my life fit within his view of the world.

You did the best you could by telling

Thanks. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to hear that from my family. I never did figure out the words to say so they would see that. It's nice to hear it from someone I'm not paying. :funnyfaces:

It's not up to you to repair something he has broken, although, unfortunately you are left with picking up the pieces...

It means alot to me to have that validated. :hug:I've been so sad about losing my whole family. It's like a death, only I can't talk about it to people because most people want a person to reconcile with their family and don't understand that it's not possible to reconcile with a family in denial.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Mercy,

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I hope I haven't said too much to my daughter already, but she knew about the whole seed depositing thing and she wanted to know "How" does it work. And I told her. She said, "Eeewww." and she said she didn't think she could sit by the boys anymore. She didn't want them near her. I was surprised by her response. I was only talking in general terms, and certainly not in a scary way, more of a mechanical way. I expressed my concern and she assured me that it was just gross. I've never mentioned being forced, but of course that preys heavy on my mind when she's reacting that way. We are very close, my daughter and I. I want her to feel comfortable talking to me. But, the more she knows the more she asks and it's triggering me, which makes it hard to feel like I'm giving her the right response. I don't want to keep answering her, if I shouldn't. But, I've heard that you should give short answers, less is more, and answer what they ask. I'm trying.

It doesn't help that so many of her friends have been abused, neglected or traumatized in some way. God, why does this stuff have to repeat?

 

[Nyx]

Nyx, Thank you so so much for your words. I didn't get it at first because you started off about abusers and you said that's what my dad did too. I thought you were calling him an abuser like he was a rapist. And I have a difficult time calling him abusive, although he most certainly was in the way he dealt with me. He didn't hit me, or rape me or anything. He ignored me and he taught others to ignore me. He made fun of me, and he invalidated everything about me. He expected me to see the world the way he does and ignore my own experience, in fact he took offense whenever I didn't see the world the way he does. He thought I was embarrassing him on purpose when I asked questions to try to understand where the events in my life fit within his view of the world.

I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I thought he had abused you sexually. But you're right, it does apply anyway, because his behavior was abusive and didn't help at all. And not having a relationship with him is not your doing or choosing, it's him. He chose that instead of standing by his daughter, like a real father should have done.

My advice to you? Don't waste your time and hopes on a family that, as you said, is in denial. Concentrate on yourself, your health, your well being. If they're not protecting you, at least you could do it for yourself. And I'm not just saying it, I know what it means to lose family, and after years of trying to mend things that were not mine to mend in the first place, I just quit and concentrated on myself. It's the only way to go.

Take care.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Hello Muzikluvr,:wave:

Welcome. I'm sorry your family is in such denial. Mostly I am sorry they failed to protect you earlier in your life!:mad:

You do seem like you are incredibly strong. Hang in there!

 

[Muzikluvr]

Thank you, WW. :funnyfaces:

I really appreciate your response! I look forward to getting to know you better.

I don't know that I'm so strong. I think I've just been expected to shoulder a lot of burden while looking like I'm not suffering.

My freshman English teacher knelt down beside me while we were all quietly reading about Julius Ceasar and he told me I didn't have to be so stoic. I teared up in class and lost my voice. I was never able to tell him what happened to me.

A woman in my Karate class opened up to the sensei about the abuse she suffered as a child, and in class, lined up at attention, the sensei pointed out the difference between those who are abused and those who are not and used me as the example of those who are not. I thought to myself, he probably could not have picked two people more alike in how much abuse they suffered in childhood. The difference must be parenting, it must be that my parents deluded themselves and expected me to accomplish a good marriage and a good home. And that my parents weren't the ones physically assaulting me. I had no proof that I was being abused because as soon as the bully was gone, my family went back to normal and wouldn't discuss the matter anymore. It was as if it never happened...

My cousin's parents expected her to be a doctor. This was stated from the time she was born. She wasn't smarter than I, she wasn't more interested in being a physician than I, but she was proud enough to rub it in my face that at least her parents thought she could do it. She ended up having to study out of the country to get her medical degree, but she is a doctor now.

Did you know that Al Gore's wife came out about suffering from depression when he was Vice Pres? I didn't think that was such a big deal at the time, but now while I'm trying to figure out how to show some chinks in my armor, I think it's pretty impressive.