Blah Blah Blah

[Rebel Girl]

Just lost 9 months worth of work on the only thing that give my life meaning or context at this point. I have no faith left in humanity and don't see myself ever being able to have a life worth living. All I see is an endless road of suffering that I can't understand why I have been burdened with. I have run out of things to contribute and I have grown tired of accepting help from those who feel obligated toward my welling being. Frankly I'm tired of being a drain on people who don't even like me and I tired of feeling like a broken shell of the broken shell I was before my PTSD become C-PTSD. I think my parents are just trying to do what leaves them the least shamed and embarrassed. Whatever anyone else has experienced I have seen a humanity in which altruism is punished, intelligence is hated, and vulnerability draws attack from even those you trust most. f*ck this world and everyone in it. I've given up an believing that people are anything but petty assholes who are looking to take what they can from those who can't defend themselves. The few people who claim to care about me only do so out of self interest and don't actually know anything about me. I'm tired of pretending that any of this is worth it.

 

[reallydown]

Join the club.

 

[Cinnamon4z]

Let's face it everyone is self interested. That is the beauty of the world- the baker, doctor, and the mechanic, pencil maker, etc right down to you and me are all self interested in doing the work they are doing. If they were purely "altruistic"- practically no bread would ever be produced, no pencil effectively ever made and no meaningful doctor would ever peruse such a career.
Rebel girl I am sure you have much to contribute to society and your fellow humans.
May I ask how you lost 9 months of work? What was it that you were doing?

 

[Rebel Girl]

You misunderstand. I believe every human being is a cut throat bastard that would drive me to suicide for their own amusement and then tell everyone what a tragedy it is. It isn't that humans are casually cruel and petty. They revel in it. Human misery is the cocaine party that keeps society afloat. With nothing else to do I go board, decided to find out what theoretical physics thought time was and ended up developing a series of theories explaining things like quantum gravity using lab results from experiments with sub absolute negative temperatures. All my notes are gone and ironically I finally figured out what the force carrier for gravity was, which was one of the last bits I was missing. Thought I had backups, but nope. I wrote a young adult novel worth of notes and spent a hundred times that effort on research to develop those theories. It's all gone and I did it in service to a species that I hate.

 

[Cinnamon4z]

@Rebel Girl google version control- it is a life saver. Don't beat yourself on the head about it.
It might help if we reframe our perspective a bit and refocus ourselves here.
What makes you say everyone is a cutthroat bastard? Did something happen
With your parents?

 

[Cinnamon4z]

Computers crash, papers burn, and homework gets eaten by dogs- using good version control system like mercurial or more popular "git/GitHub" can save your day. Yes it is frustrating to have papers and files lost(had it happen to me more than once before I learned). But it is definitely not the end of it all.
The people who make these tools like github are battling against human misery rebel girl- some of the misery that you are experiencing right now. Would you still be willing to join the fight against needless misery?

 

[Rebel Girl]

Never got around to the most traumatic/recent events. [DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/disclosing.50139/[/DLMURL]

 

[sun seeker]

f*ck this world and everyone in it.

Even us?

 

[Rebel Girl]

I don't have the energy to investigate the genuineness of others goodwill after so many false leads and the resulting horrific experiences. I doubt my misjudgment will even marginally harm anyone else.

 

[digger]

I believe every human being is a cut throat bastard that would drive me to suicide for their own amusement and then tell everyone what a tragedy it is. It isn't that humans are casually cruel and petty. They revel in it.

Do you include yourself in this assessment of every human being? Do you yourself revel in cruelty and pettiness? Would you drive someone to suicide for your own amusement? If not then can you accept that your belief might be flawed? Maybe ask yourself why you, out of seven billion plus people, would be the only exception to this rule...

 

[Rebel Girl]

I hate myself more than everyone else. It doesn't matter what I've done. I know what I and everyone else is capable of.

 

[crystaltear]

I'm really sorry that you've been dealt a shitty card in life and that you've obviously met some pretty awful people in your time. There are some truly messed up individuals out there who seem to inflict pain everywhere they go.

BUT there are good ones out there too. No perfect ones. None that aren't self-focused a decent amount of the time, and make more decisions based on their own hurts and misconceptions. By God I think about myself at least 80% of the time and have done stupid things and hurt people from time to time. Because I'm human.

But I also love people, help others, love to support people through hard times as well as celebrate their successes.

You only have control of you. don't give up on life because you've met some bad apples. Why not focus your energy on becoming whole, happy, generous, creative, compassionate, smart... all of the good stuff. Become the opposite of what you are describing. Thats what I'm trying to do anyway.

Don't give up on hope.