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[Born to Run]

Thank you for your note, I find that very considerate of you @ptsdednos :-) Take all the time you need, I hope it can help you a little bit.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

Just a side note my doctor says that with my experience because I was raped and molested and physically....ect abused at a young age different ages seem to come out at different times, all me, no other names (as in Multiple Personality Disorder, just to clarify)

Just to start off this is quite the interesting experience the "little me" (the one abused, 5) wants to write.Shes still very shy. (sadly she never did write, first time of her being brave enough to perk up!) This is a strange experience. I can tolerate being around my family because 1. I love them 2. my husband loves them 3. they are really the only people I have and its a safe zone for me even though it is a very toxic space. I cant exactly get mad at my husband for liking my family because they (besides my eldest brother) have changed who they are. My parents really should be classified as alcoholics, or at least my dad should. You are right, I can not move forward with with my eldest brother in the picture because I have this constant fear that he is going to kill my parents (he has two bats; one metal one wooden and a machete under his bed and his girlfriend probably got his that cross bow he asked for, for christmas) so Im honestly just waiting until he either kills himself or someone else until I can have this stupid weight lifted off of my shoulders. He wont ever get help. He thinks he can handle hearing voices by drinking a bunch and smoking weed. Oh and hes 30 and lives with my parents so my parents completely enable him. That situation I have become numb to, I know its bad but my uncle went down the same path its just a matter of time. Under my dissociation is the feelings of hurt, pain, torture, loneliness, fear, sadness, like someone lit me on fire and then put me out with lemon juice, the yearning to be loved and accepted (with or without this damn disorder), for someone (other than hubs) to know that this disorder hurts me more than it could ever hurt any of them...EVER.

What I'd like my parents to know is that I have absolutely no trust in them. They have always claimed (dad especially) "the abuse in our house was not abuse, NOTHING like the abuse I suffered". You know what, I get it, your mom was a bitch, YOU NEED THERAPY. There is nothing else I can say. He's going to cry about how shitty his life was until the day he dies. It's so stupid. And I'm tired of listening to that too. My mom was always worried about her own weight so she took it out on me. "You're too fat.... You're too skinny..." "I can't call you skinny minnie anymore you're not skinny"... BUT MY FAVORITE YOU ASK?

"STOP TRYING TO GET ATTENTION" last time she said this to me. I rolled up my sleeve with about 85-86 cuts on one (left) arm, and said "YOU THINK IM LOOKING FOR ATTENTION NOW?!"

Well, to get back on topic, the reason I must keep them around is because I have no one else. That sounds pathetic.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

Also I have an NPP (nurse practitioner) whom I believe doesn't believe a thing I say. And a therapist who always falls asleep every session

 

[Born to Run]

Wow that is so wonderful that your shy little me dares to write :) I am sorry that I am still a little bit confused about your parents. How can it be safe for you, while you do not trust them and they do not support you? Your examples of communication with them is painful to me. I understand it is difficult to acknowledge, but would it maybe be time for you to accept that the yearning for love from your parents will never be fulfilled, and take distance. Is it not great you have a person in your life that does love you :) I like the fire and lemon juice metaphor. You need to move forward and it will sadly not happen if you still expect something good to come from abusive people.

No, it is not pathetic what you write, but what do you imagine will happen, when you take distance from them? What do they contribute to your life that you could not go without?

Dear, please take care of you and do not take this therapist's crap and please find another therapist. Someone that is good to you. Leave the losers behind. Don't waste your time, it is your life. The nurse practitioner is someone you don't like, leave them, find something better for you, because you are worth it. I have wasted so much time in my life with the wrong diagnosis with 20 years of therapy, before knowing I had this damn disease. You are young and should not waste your time with losers.

Sorry, btw I checked back earlier than today, but it must be that the notifications were more than were shown when hovering over them, so I did not see your message then.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

Starting on Tuesday I am going to tell my therapist the next time he falls asleep will be the last.
I am keeping my distance from my family, I'm going on Sunday but not for as long as everyone thinks. I'm not going for dinner. Honestly, if I have to I will take two topamax(yes that is my normal dose) before I get there and fall asleep on all of them. It is not safe for me to be around them right now and I know that.

As for my parents,They've really only been trying to show me that they love me through trying to buy me things. I don't want anyone, yes even them, to think that they can just buy my love, nothing works like that with me. I've met so many people who are the opposite (I.e. My brothers ex) and I could never do that but they always try. I don't think they will ever change just will keep my distance. And I have not had any alcohol since Christmas Eve also it was my first New Years Eve party in 8 years without alcohol.... In only 24.... :(

 

[Born to Run]

Yeah for the therapist!! You can rock lady :-)

Being diagnosed at your age to you must really totally suck. To me it would have been a total blessing.

 

[Friday]

I don't really have anyone else. My husband loves my family

Well... I was about to talk about solo holidays (which can be badass super fun!)... When I got to this part.

Your husband is someone.

A Romantic Holiday, the two of you together vs A Toxic Holiday, with assholes.

You do know that even people from amaaaaaazing families often leave to start their own traditions? Single, married, or with kids. Or simply choose to spend occasional holidays apart (going on a trip, for example). For many reasons, people choose to have a holiday apart from their family of origin. Not that you need other people doing it to make it an okay thing to do. Just as a little piece of emotional backup.

Well, to get back on topic, the reason I must keep them around is because I have no one else. That sounds pathetic.

Along a similar line of reasoning... To have other people? We must often create space for them. Keeping people you don't like around just to fill a space with a warm body? Shrug. At best all that does is block filling that space with a warm body you like.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

Oh god no @Born to Run I wish that I would have told someone earlier...well scratch that, I wish someone would have listened to me. My mom knew and didn't do anything, and everyone else just thought I was a liar. I don't know how to live for myself like that yet @FridayJones I sincerely wish I did. I wouldn't be this miserable. I need to feel like I connect with something. Even if it hates me :(. I feel like I need CBT to make any more progress. But I'm not sure my therapist is certified in CBT and I don't think my insurance covers it. Also, @Born to Run I'm just so freaking tired of his ass falling asleep on me, hes lucking he doesn't get a f*cking psycho screaming at him when he does.

 

[Friday]

So does your husband hate you &/or is he an asshole, too?

If not, for real, I would try quality over quantity. Spend a holiday or special event with him instead of with a bunch of people you don't like.

Of course, if he is an asshole (And I did that... Coming from my trauma history it would have been a freaking if miracle if I'd married well instead of badly)... That's a whole 'nother set of problems. :wtf:

 

[Born to Run]

I am crossing my fingers for you tomorrow you gonna kick some ass, won't you!?!? :-) I would say you have permission to go out loud with psycho screaming at that person that calls himself a therapist. I understand now better that you need to become a bit stronger to stand on your own, sorry if I pushed a bit, but it is good you tell us now.

I wish I had remembered my trauma's and could have told someone, but I did not remember anything, was depressed for half my life. You did at least not waste half your life with a wrong diagnosis.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

Yeah I've had nightmares since I was 12(because I didn't know it happened from 5-10 until April 2015 when I got into my car accident) but had an eating disorder at 8. I had anger outbursts at anyone around me, I never told anyone because he was a special needs man. I always got a weird feeling around him, like my skin was crawling and that I was going to vomit. But that's the reason my car accident is so traumatic for me is because now I remember hearing people laughing not far from where I preformed fellatio on that nasty f*ck. Sorry for the story, long story short- I get it.

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

Also I was diagnosed at 16 with bipolar disorder because that's what my brother has. And was on enough lithium to kill me by 35.