Bloomy The Common Factor

[Bloomy]

So Im seing a new counsler. Not therapist, but counsler. Hoping she can give me support that I need to move on.
Met her only three times till now. Last meeting today.

I had a lot or loads of bad encounters over the past decades with counslers, diferent therapist, social workers and such. Sometimes it has gone really down the drain.
On the other side I did meet some people that made me feel heard, understood and valuated.

Writing this cause I need to explore this subject and other peoples feedback on their experiences and thoughts would be good.

Today the expected statement came up. We are talking about me and my vunerability and my very obvious fear of rejection.
I notice the whole subject makes me sick to my gut and I really just want to vomit.

This is what I need to air and hopefully get some feedback from you guys.

So she said - what is the common factor in all your bad encounters and rejections?
Yes - its you - Bloomy the common factor. And I am the common factor it surely must be something about me that makes the shit hit the fan all the time?

Mmmm.....

Im afraid of sounding like I have a grandios disorder so I feel somewhat reluctant to discuss this.

As I write Im starting to think - should the question rather be what is the common factor in the good encounters I did have?

Im now a social worker student We learn about communication in school. The good, the bad and the ugly. We learn that we need to be in touch with our own ways of communicating and how it impacts others. Our values, where we come from and so forth.

The grandios disorder pandora box Im afraid to open is - its not my fault. Yes Im the common factor, but its not my fault that people are incompetent in meeting someoone with such severe trauma history as I have.Its not all black or white. Its fifty shades of all colour to this.

There - I said it.

What is the common factor in the good encounters I had? I wasnt judge on my behaviour. I wasnt screened and scrutinezd and told my feelings is not right (since the other person has a diferent wiew).
Acccpeted as I am and seen as someone with a history but still allowed to be Bloomy. And entitled to have my version of things.

I told her too that Im sick of this subject. Im sick of thinkig about how I can adjust. How I can improve. How I can communicate better. It seems Ive spend all my life in doing so to be learn how to be able to meet people. That I need some one to just be there and to just accept me for who I am with all I carry and all I still can.
It feels like others are not thinking about the same. They just throw their shit out there without even giving the slightest thought to how their words and action affect the other person (me). I mean - Id never say to a person that you need to get your shit together and take responsiblity. Id rather say - listen Bloomy - youve done some really good work. I know you are tired now after failing again and its hard for you to keep moving. But Im sure you xan since youve proven before that you do. Id never say thats not how it is. Id rather say I accept your version of reality allthough its not the same as I see it. Do you think we can meet in the middle somewhere?

I just read about trauma oriented care and I think that this is what its all about.

Sorry this became long and messy post. I guess Im afraid to hit the fan again with the new counsler. That my perception on things is distorted. Afraid of not being met again and feel that there must surely be something about me. That I do suffer from grandios disorder.

Adding - is it so that its dificult to meet people with trauma experiences cause we are more vunerable? Or is it more doficult for us to meet others cause we are vunerable?

 

[scout86]

Maybe it would be good to list all the common factors in both the good and bad situations. YOU are ONE of the common factors in both. But you're not the only one. And, obviously, somethings have worked and some haven't, so there's hope, right?

but its not my fault that people are incompetent in meeting someoone with such severe trauma history as I have.

It's not exactly their fault either. In fact, maybe 'fault' isn't even an issue. It's just a fact. Some people don't understand you. Fact, not judgement. From there, they might chose to learn, you might chose to try to help them learn, or you both might go your separate ways, or accept that you'll never understand each other, or something else. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. (I'd make an acceptation for people like therapists because it's their JOB to understand this stuff.)

 

[Bloomy]

The negative common factor is that Im not takin responsiblity for my life, my opinions are not right, Im mentally ill, Bloomy is a burden when she cries and makes people feel powerless and hopeless.
Ive tried to take this up in an open way with some of the social workes in quest ie take responsibiblity but since Im mentally ill (according to them) Im not countable.

The posiitive ones learnes me that its ok to be a human. Its ok to be sad. Im not a burden cause I break down and cry.

Maybe its just a lot of people who works in health care is not competent to their job? Maybe they should learn to say - listen - Im sorry about this, but I cant really give the help you need. I dont have the competence. Or just say straight out- our chemistry is incompatible so I cant be much of a help.

@scout86 its not about fault so I tried to avoid that word. Its just feels like its my fault. That there is somehing utter wrong with me. But also I think I just need acceptance and care.

 

[Bloomy]

TIC is a somewhat flexible term that hasn’t always had a static meaning. SHAMSA describes TIC (or in the organization’s terms, “trauma-informed approach”) as an approach that:

• Realizes the widespread impact of trauma and understands potential paths for recovery;
• Recognizes the signs and symptoms of trauma in clients, families, staff, and others involved with the system;
• Responds by fully integrating knowledge about trauma into policies, procedures, and practices; and
• Seeks to actively resist re-traumatization.”

 

[Bloomy]

Not sure why commercial add cmae up here ....

 

[scout86]

The negative list and the positive list seem to contradict each other, don't they? I can see where that would be a problem!

The negatives....... Do YOU think you're not taking responsibility for your life? (Because, from what you've shared on the forum, it really sounds like you are.) Or is that what other people have said? If it's what other people have said, did they explain how they decided that you weren't taking responsibility?

Maybe its just a lot of people who works in health care is not competent to their job?

It's hard for me to be sure, but it wouldn't surprise me if that's true.It's unfortunate, but it sounds like it might be true.

 

[Killashandra]

First off, I personally wouldn't take what your cousellor is saying with a grain of salt becasue they aren't trained. There is a massive difference between and therapist and a counselor.

I saw a counselor at one stage in my recovery and she actually made me worse. She just didn't understand what I was trying to say/mean.
And then put her thoughts into it and came up with this absurd reasoning as to why and what I meant. This set me back years in recovery. And this was only becasue she wasnt trained to be objective as part of a proper therapists training.

The common factor here in my opinion is not you. It's the trauma and the learned behaviour that is the common factor, how you react to situations etc, to blame and find fault is not conducive to a happy brain, to amend and change your reaction is.

Look I could spout off a hundred affirmations to you and none would mean a thing until you change your reaction to them. I'm not saying I can do this, I can't, I always feel less than worthy but I have stopped blaming others for my reaction, it's not thier fault, they're just trying to live like us and have opinions etc, it's how I react, blame is now place squarely on my abusers. That being said I don't go around using them as an excuse for my behaviour. Not saying that you do, please understand that. That is my experience.

In regards to meeting people, I believe this is because we are vunerable we're cautious, we're weird, the hardest part is to trust. You can meet people who will accept you for you, you just have to let them in, not all at the same time, one at a time so you don't get overwhelmed. That being said, I have one close friend and another who is close but I've kept her at a distance becasue she is such a nice and lovely lady, I don't want to burden her with my deepest trauma.

I'm glad you are strong enough to study this area and work as a social worker, that's fantastic! And I hope you can make positive changes for your clients, as survivors we are emotional and empathic creatures.

One day at a time, and you are doing well, but unfortunately we can't just take a break from it

All the best

Killa ☺

 

[littlestar]

Bloomy,
I hear you. I went through a good 3 years of feeling like people ought to be more sensitive to all situations and people they run in to. Its like a lack of respect to have people just plow through and not be actively kind, patient, and boundary sensitive. It sucks. I was of a similar mindset in doing some work with people who have trauma. The expectations are enormous sometimes and mind boggling what people can expect of us ( regular people). And possibly it brings up their own vulnerabilities and fears. Its ok to be afraid and concious of yourself and your actions when feeling vulnerable. Ok im rambling here, but I think in bulding your own boundaries and setting for yourself what your own thoughts, beliefs and values are you would be building a good framework for the work that you do in your own therapy and whatever work you end up doing. A good counselor will meet you where you are at. They may be pushing your buttons too , so you can stop blaming yourself for whatever disasters and free you up from the anger of that. I too look at why the shit hits the fan in my life, and its when i dont take care of my ptsd. impulsiveness, and possibly some of my thinking. But im working on it, and guess what, sometimes its not my fault. Shit lands sometimes and sometimes it lands on me. I suppose its difficult to figure out what to do when the shit lands, thats where I get into trouble.
sorry dont know why the italics started happening. ..

 

[Bloomy]

It feels like they project this things on me cause my situation is complex and it makes them feel powerless and helpless. As they also express to me.

I dont think I take responsibility I KNOW I do. Its been the only thing on my mind since I where a kiddo to be responsible and to do what I possibly can to get to a better place.

Despite severe depression past year Ive taken responsibility to start education. And in two schools even. I take responsibility in applying work. Being a good mother and be aware and responsible for how I choose to commuinicate with daughter. I take responsiblity on working on my self in constructive ways to heal like If Im down I try to do something and not only be sad. I take responsiblity in trying to communicate to others if there is a conflict and not direct it to them as you did and you said but instead I feel etc. So yes I do. As much as Im able to. Those thats been constructive to me seen ths and encouraged me to keep moving along this path.

Ok so guess I must try not to be to defensiv with the new one? Lower my shoulders and try to breath?

 

[Bloomy]

And then put her thoughts into it and came up with this absurd reasoning as to why and what I meant. This set me back years in recovery

@Killashandra - spot on. So Im trying to now to learn how to diferenciate their meanings from mine.

Affirmations would do me no good. I need answers like you guys are given me now ie learn how to differenciate.

Might be dificult to find my voice and to let it mean something to my self. If one opress a person long enough the person learns to opress it self internal. Im working on it. As @littlestars says bulding your own boundaries and setting for yourself what your own thoughts, beliefs and values are you would be building a good framework.

 

[Killashandra]

Despite severe depression past year Ive taken responsibility to start education. And in two schools even. I take responsibility in applying work. Being a good mother and be aware and responsible for how I choose to commuinicate with daughter. I take responsiblity on working on my self in constructive ways to heal like If Im down I try to do something and not only be sad. I take responsiblity in trying to communicate to others if there is a conflict and not direct it to them as you did and you said but instead I feel etc. So yes I do. As much as Im able to. Those thats been constructive to me seen ths and encouraged me to keep moving along this path.

Just don't take on too much responsibility, you are doing well. When I'm down so much I put this movie on.. 28 days with Sandra Bullock. I try to remember that scene where she is throwing the ball at the mattress, you can only control so much, once that ball leaves your hand it's not up to you any more..

Big hugs

Killa

 

[Bloomy]

Another lesson Im workin on learnin @Killashandra - breathe in do the best you can then breathe out and let go - my what a lesson :geek: And part of it is actually to learn to sit quiet and watch a movie all to the end. Or just sit at all and be still within and relax.

In other words - Im a work in progress :brb:

Now sleep and tomorow morning time for examen :ninja: