LeiaFlower
Confident
I thought I alleviated my codependency in my relationship with my best friend. However, it's showing up again. In my other post, I mentioned feeling as if I owe her for her niceness. Of course, I know this is a reflection of my repressed past relationships, though knowing doesn't make the feeling go away. I want to cross my set boundaries by being overly affectionate, laying on her, and simply invading her space by going into her room. Now it's this desire to kiss her despite knowing my sexuality as being asexual with a platonic attraction to men. This is something I can't get to go away it keeps showing up. Though she mentions not minding it (Not coming from mind reading) I feel like due to our friendship starting with my fear of affection, whenever I show it I feel she has this obligation to accept. I also noticed my mental breakdowns are connected to her not doing well in life. When she started making bad decisions that I was scared could turn her into my siblings, broken, it felt as though my mind was constantly being triggered by the past. My trauma is learned helpnesses. I was never able to protect my siblings from their abuse nor feel like I could've done much for my own that's repressed. So, when I feel helpless in my friend's life and feel like the new person in her life is scary and bad, I snap into the small mindset where I'm scared and helpless.
I also used to be scared to talk about my feelings with her due to not knowing how she would react. Though I got over this after constant reminders from her that she wasn't going to be belittling and abusive.
The main thing that is coming up is how much I'm trying to change myself to feel like I can still be a part of her new life. Even considering getting in a relationship to sleep with someone knowing full well I've been asexual for a while now, and even have a fear of sex. All because I want to belong. She's the first person, first friend, who actually accepted me and genuinely wanted to be my friend. I'm scared to lose that but I'm slowly becoming enmeshed in this relationship. When she's gone I'm locked away in my room, away from family, and barely active with my other friends. I'm always waiting for her text, and it feels like the days are long when she's gone for an extended time. I don't want to be like this. It wasn't this bad at first, but the more I feel like I don't belong in the world the more I cling to someone who makes me feel like I do. But I don't want to ruin my relationship with her or drive her away with my clinginess. I don't know what to do, I feel lost without my therapist but she wants me to take a break despite not having many tools. And the ideations and empty feelings keep coming back. Then I started self-harming again after a month of being fine. I don't know what to do. I just feel gross and alone.
I also used to be scared to talk about my feelings with her due to not knowing how she would react. Though I got over this after constant reminders from her that she wasn't going to be belittling and abusive.
The main thing that is coming up is how much I'm trying to change myself to feel like I can still be a part of her new life. Even considering getting in a relationship to sleep with someone knowing full well I've been asexual for a while now, and even have a fear of sex. All because I want to belong. She's the first person, first friend, who actually accepted me and genuinely wanted to be my friend. I'm scared to lose that but I'm slowly becoming enmeshed in this relationship. When she's gone I'm locked away in my room, away from family, and barely active with my other friends. I'm always waiting for her text, and it feels like the days are long when she's gone for an extended time. I don't want to be like this. It wasn't this bad at first, but the more I feel like I don't belong in the world the more I cling to someone who makes me feel like I do. But I don't want to ruin my relationship with her or drive her away with my clinginess. I don't know what to do, I feel lost without my therapist but she wants me to take a break despite not having many tools. And the ideations and empty feelings keep coming back. Then I started self-harming again after a month of being fine. I don't know what to do. I just feel gross and alone.
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