General Boundaries

[dayglo]

I keep reading that its important for supporters to set boundaries and I'm having trouble here. (wife has ptsd, see "newbie" post")

• What are "good" examples of boundaries?
• What if, in a calm time, attempting to bring up boundaries is a trigger ("your trying to control me", "you are thinking of ways to make me the bad guy") - or am I bringing them up the wrong way or not using a "good" example?
• What if a boundary is crossed?

Thanks

 

[safenow]

am I bringing them up the wrong way or not using a "good" example?

First off, you need to have her set some boundries first. As an example: I will not allow anyone to physically hurt me. I will not allow anyone to come into my bedroom without knocking first when the door is closed.

Then you set some boundries: You are not allowed to physical hit me. You are not allowed to throw things at me.

What if a boundary is crossed?

Each person is held accountable for what they do. For example: If you don't get help for XYZ, then I'm not staying in the house with you. I will not be able to sleep with you if you XYZ. Then, you follow through by either leaving or calling the police, or whatever it is that you've set up as the punishment for whatever.

Does this make sense to you?

 

[amethist]

One boundary I set a long time ago dayglo was that my husband was not allowed to shout at me and blame me for what ever was going on in his head at that moment. If he did I would quietly get up, put my coat and shoes on and go out, leaving him to deal with whatever his problem was on his own.

So far in the last 2 years or so I have done this only about 6 times. each time coming back a few hours later to him calm and apologizing for his behavior.

If he does it again, he knows I will walk out and leave him to it again.

If he is struggling and needs help, he just has to ask, but in the correct manner.

 

[safenow]

That's the key. You must be consistant.

 

[HoneyTree]

For me I will put up with verbal abuse (about his past triggers), he can shout and scream all he wants ..I hate saying this, but I think it is a relief for him as if he won't hurt for a bit as you're hurt. If it gets personal e.g. my son (he is not my son's Dad) I will leave and walk out as that is not on.

 

[safenow]

it is a relief for him

You have that correct. I'm really happy to see that you have set boundries for yourself and him. Good job.

 

[Bilby]

I really like what safenow has said - I think having your partner make some boundaries as well as yourself, is incredibly beneficial.

Decide for yourself what you think reasonable consequences are - you might like to use the example that Amethist has given whereby she has left the house for a few hours. This may be a strategy that you could use. This is as much for your benefit (and sanity!) as it is for your partner's.

 

[dayglo]

Thanks to all... Unfortunately, attempting to bring up boundaries is a trigger ("your trying to control me" "you are thinking of ways to make me the bad guy" "Your not my father").

 

[HoneyTree]

Supporters are doing our best, we try and support our partners as much as we can. We are there for them, we wish we could make them the person they was. Both parts of the relationship needs to communicate and if the sufferer needs time out then the supporter needs to respect that .. vice versa the Sufferer should say they need space. You love them for who they are .. we wouldn't be on the site otherwise to be honest .. we want to make the relationship work. We know they need support in bad times and love being with them, as the good times makes us smile :)

Me personally am trying to take this one step at a time .. the next day could be a good (week/month) or it could be a bad time (anniversary) . No matter what ... I am right there next to him (we care). I can take any insult that is not personal, I know he needs to release that pain inside. However, I have boundaries where I won't put up with personal attacks. I have left him now as I can't carry on ... he asked me to text my son saying I was in trouble and to see what response I got.

I was in a relationship before for 6 years where he suffered PTSD, he served in Afghan and Northern Ireland. I didn't know anything about the symptoms then and was clueless. He is happy now, left the army and is now a training consultant.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Unfortunately, attempting to bring up boundaries is a trigger ("your trying to control me" "you are thinking of ways to make me the bad guy" "Your not my father").

Hi dayglo

Boundaries are needed to make a relationship healthy. Without them we walk all over each other.

I believe the quoted responses above are coming from the wounded child inside your friend. It is her defense mechanism. Probably the only way she knows how she can protect herself. When she feels attacked whether it is true or not it is her perception and is happening. She needs to seek help for her trust issues if they are unwarranted with you. Does sound like a typical symptom of PSTD that can be helped if the person is open and willing. Does she have a trauma therapist?

Just and idea. Try holding her when she is reacting like this and for sure talk about your needs later when she is calm.

TB

 

[dayglo]

However, I have boundaries where I won't put up with personal attacks

. That's difficult, as I have a 10 year old son and iif I'm not around she started venting at him

Does she have a trauma therapist?

Just and idea.....sure talk about your needs later when she is calm.

She has a social worker but not a trauma specialist. When I suggest finding a trauma specialist she gets triggered ("your trying to control me".) Talking to her when she is calm about this makes her realize that she's mistreating everyone.. Then the guilt starts, and then she gets defensive and then triggered...

Say I try to set a boundary regarding personal attacks. When the boundary is crossed, do I take my son with me? Stay in a hotel? For how long?

 

[safenow]

When the boundary is crossed, do I take my son with me?

Yes.