Relationship Boundaries

[RRT13]

@Freida it is for sure. Im doing the best I can and learning from all it. This forum has helped tons! Ive always been so closed so its very overwhelming reaching out on here for fear of seeming weak and vulnerable. But im glad I have because this is a place I need to be at.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Just because he's your father it doesn't mean you have to listen to his toxic crap.

You don't have to do anything you do not want to do. You do not have to listen to him talk about his divorce. You do not need to listen to guilt trips. There is no need to justify your wishes either. You have every right to set the parameters around him seeing your kids. As in "I will not tolerate toxic bullshit around my kids." Period.

If he can't respect your boundaries you don't need to to have him around.

 

[RRT13]

@Sweetpea76 i totally agree!! Im 36, not 12. He acts more like a child. When Im ready I will talk to him and work on boundaries. I dont want to talk any emotions with him just want him to be a good gpa. I dont have an emptional connection and dont really wanna start it now.

 

[anon1234]

@Brturner13 - I have similar issues with my father and also suffer abandonment issues with my parents. Right now I am experiencing isolation that has lasted a couple of weeks, and came out of the blue, at a time where I really need support. It is hard to be the strong one all the time. I completely understand what you are going through. I'm sorry you are also dealing with these things.

 

[anon1234]

I also understand that I'll never know what my isolator (combat vet) has been through. I have my really bad days when I get mad at him and want to write things to him about how I also have needs, but I switch off my phone and go for a walk. It is so so difficult. When he did it the first time I had such a bad reaction to the isolation (few days) that it shocked me and I went back to therapy. Luckily I did not tell him about my reactions or lash out at him. I kept it to myself, thankfully, because at that point I was uneducated about PTSD.

Each time is tough, he always comes back, but is just unable to accept he is even doing it. We have a long way to go. The timing of the recent bout just sucks though. I'm trying my best to remember it is not all about me, but this time I'm in a low place (and he is not even aware of what is going on in my life right now because I don't want to add to things), so it is feeling more personal.

 

[RRT13]

Thanks @anon1234 for your post! Im in a world of confusion still with my vet.
He finally answered my snap yesterday about seeing him and told me he has to go out of country this weekend where his son is and said it would be better the following weekend. Thats all ive heard from him. Then i noticed on fb some girl friends tag him at a bar and later on he deleted fb. I dont think its right. But i wonder if he acts like this because being superficial around people who dont know him is easy to hang around and not deal with his stress. And maybe its easier to shut me out because I know what hes been fighting lately. The long distance doesnt help Im sure.
Im just backing off and doing me. He knows I love him and Im here.

 

[RRT13]

We had a good day last thur. Now that I think about it. No emotions just talking bs. I think in stressful times like this we should keep it light and fun and not let my insecurities override us. We texted the whole time about a hockey game and he taught me the rules and we kept score. This seems like a really rough month for him. Breaks my heart.

 

[anon1234]

@Brturner13 - I’ve learned with mine to always keep it light. Everyone is different but mine can’t handle the heavy over text.

 

[RRT13]

Im learning mine too. And we dont even argue ever or fight. Before we broke up thr first time but he lived close to me we would have small arguments and hed shut down and the next day we'd start fresh. So gives me some hope for now we will make it through this.

 

[anon1234]

You will @Brturner13 - the hardest thing for me is to learn how to become the rock of the relationship when I am used to being the doormat in previous ones.

 

[RRT13]

@anon1234 that is what ive been is the rock. Lately feel like rhe doormat. But the more I read on here the more I see what Im doing wrong. I gotta keep working on me too.

 

[RRT13]

@anon1234 so didnt hear from my vet yesterday. Today He texts to tell me he got off fb and snap chat. I just text a happy face and ok. Maybe this is a good sign as far as keeping in contact?! Im giving space. He hasn't told me to eff off yet. Lol so maybe we're atleast kerping some trust and communication open.