Relationship Boyfriend Can Never Take Responsibility For His Actions

[Jaix]

Hello, I'm quite new to this site and so glad I found it. I have been in an on and off relationship for 5 years with my bf. We have a 3 year old son together. For the past 3 years it's been a really rocky ride.

My bf suffers from ptsd and it has become extremely difficult this past year to communicate with him in any way.

I've done quite a bit of research on ptsd to try and understand it as much as I possibly can. We just recently got back together and he promised things would be much different this time around. He said he just wanted his family back.

Since then things have been the worst it's ever been. For some reason I can never do anything right (in his eyes). He starts arguments with me and then blames it on me. I've come to the point where I just like to hold my tongue on any issue.

But the disrespect and name calling is starting to get out of control. It's almost like I'm his punching bag on what's stressing him out that day. He always blames his ptsd on anything bad or ugly that he says or does.

I don't let most of the negative comments he says to me affect me anymore. He really just does it to try and get something out of me.

I'm kind of at a stand still. I don't know if I should stay and try and continue to be the support he needs or to leave. It's become very hard because he has no family. All he had was his mom and they have cut ties with each other. Just really in need of some advice.

 

[MummaKitten]

From experience, this is how I am. I suffer from PTSD, as well, with disassociative flashbacks.

Honestly, he's probably suffering through flashbacks. The blame goes on you because it seems to be out of his control. I do much of the same and have been going through therapy to try to figure out how to get my body from reacting to a situation and reliving a trauma to realizing what is real and what isn't.

He's reacting to his trauma, not you. Don't try to take it too hard, as it can get difficult, but try to figure out what his triggers are. Maybe ask him why he's upset or why he's lashing out at you? Does he ever seem like he's not really talking to you, but maybe at someone else? Does he look at you when he's going through this kind of episode of blame and anger the same as when he's in his right state of mind?

That's all something to think about when going through PTSD. It really does harm if it has gone without therapy for a long time. I had a trauma happen almost 3 years ago and it has taken almost a year since my diagnoses of PTSD to find a center that specializes with trauma.

 

[Jaix]

I do ask why he's upset or what I'm doing wrong or what I could do to not trigger anything and majority of the time his answers don't coincide with one another. He'll tell me to sit and talk with him about the issue and other times hell tell me I just need to shut up and not talk back. But if I don't respond everything gets worse. So I really don't know what the heck to do. He does talk straight to me, or at me rather. I can't really point out his wrong doings without him feeling or saying that I'm not taking responsibility of my own actions. Which I have never had any problem doing. I usually show and put recognition on my faults and mishaps before trying to get him to recognize his. But it always ends up back on me. I'm just trying to handle these episodes the correct way.

 

[MummaKitten]

It takes time. Is he in therapy, because PTSD causes us to not think rationally, so even if he is talking at you, he may be not figuring things out rationally in his head.

It's not going to help to point out his wrongdoing- I know that if anyone picks at anything for me, I will blow up. It's again, just a reaction and I apologize afterward, but it's hurtful to pick at anything, even if you pick at yourself first. It's a hard thing to figure out, honestly.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have to disagree @MummaKitten . Your boyfriend is being a complete jerk, and he is responsible for his own actions. He's just not taking that responsibility on. You need to read up on boundaries and how to implement them and not be a doormat for your boyfriend anymore. I'm not saying to go on the defensive, I'm saying learn how to effectively place boundaries and stick to them.



PTSD isn't and can't be used as an excuse for bad behavior. Apologizing is fine, but it gets old after you've heard the same apology for the 100th time for the same offense. It's time he takes action for his own mental health, and his actions. He's being a shithead, and you're being a doormat does not equal a good relationship. Something needs to change!!!!! BOUNDARIES!!!!!!

 

[Jaix]

Got it, okay. Which way could be the best way to try and get to an understanding? I've asked him several times to go to therapy. He always says he'll go back but it's been 3 years and he still hasn't gone. The last time he had went he didn't really truly engage. He held back alot because he said he doesn't want to feel vulnerable and he doesn't feel like a therapist actually cares about him personally. I want to be able to communicate without him trying to always blame me for an issue that's not there. Especially for our kids. My oldest son is starting to recognize what's going on and asks us ahead in the day for no arguing. It hurts me to know it's affecting the kids. And thank you for your advice on everything so far. It truly is appreciated.

 

[Deleted member 541]

If he's refusing to go to therapy, then the decision to either end the relationship or to continue it, is basically left to you. It's how much that you are willing to put up with his shit is what it comes down to. His refusal to go to therapy speaks volumes from where I sit.....

 

[dulcia]

Hello, I'm quite new to this site and so glad I found it. I have been in an on and off relationship for 5...

I feel you on all of this, except there are no children involved in my situation. We have the same arguments over nothing that gets turned around on me with completely random complaints from him (what school I went to, what state my mom is from, the kind of music I listen to, etc.) that have absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about or are arguing about. Being in all of that feels like actual insanity and I completely understand how frustrating it can be when it keeps happening no matter how you respond (whether that means being quiet and not engaging, speaking calmly and trying to have an actual conversation with him, getting fed up and yelling, etc.).

Personally, I have come to the forum with similar questions. I got a lot of the same advice that you're getting from @EveHarrington and @She Cat. I didn't get a lot of advice like what @MummaKitten posted, but I honestly wish I would have. Because I wanted (and still want) to believe that when he turns into this angrier/irrational version of himself that it is the PTSD and not just him. To a certain extent, I don't think it's "just him" because it seems like he is actually two different people: the normal him and the mean him that is like dealing with a large, cruel, angry toddler. But regardless......it doesn't make it okay and it doesn't make it something you have to put up with. People on here will tell you over and over that you can't change someone else's behavior, you can only change your own. It seems like you have tried changing your behavior but are still getting the same (unfair) response. So what else is left to do?

 

[dulcia]

@tiredtexan if you do not like what I and others have to say, please use the i...

No problem with you or your advice at all. Or anyone's for that matter. Or I wouldn't be posting in a public forum. I was just explaining to the OP, who described themselves as new, that they will get a range of different types of advice here but that the kind of advice you and SheCat gave seems to me more the general way of thinking in the forum than the advice from MummaKitten. I thought I even made it clear that I wanted advice MummaKitten's initially but for the wrong reasons.

I'll check my profile settings. (Because I'm pretty new too.)

I'm also actively trying to stay calm because I am having a reaction to the tone I sensed in your reply.

 

[dulcia]

You must've changed your settings. The default is to let everyone else have full access to PMing...

Okay. Well I'm paranoid about my SO finding this so maybe I did. Don't remember. Not a big deal.

 

[Fadeaway]

Sometimes we don't know what we want and a lot of the time, unless the trigger was obvious, we don't know what is wrong. Only that we are scared and hurt. Plan out with him how he wants you to respond before he is triggered. When I am triggered, I hate being asked what is wrong because my ability to express myself goes out the window.

If he starts verbally attacking you, tell him that you need a time out. Don't make it about him and don't try and to reason with him in that state of mind.

 

[dulcia]

Well maybe your paranoia would subside if you didn't identify yourself as a Texan. I'm sure your...

Changed my name once already. First one was more specific than this one. Thought this one was better. Was under the assumption I couldn't change it again.

I'm kind of impulsive so sometimes I do things without thinking them through. Sorry I'm not experienced enough at this to know how to pick a screen name correctly? Any other actions of mine I need to explain?