Relationship Boyfriend feels no love?

[C mom]

Not at all. He is trying to work out what the heck he is feeling. He is mentally grasping at straws tryi... I'm just curious, what made everything hit you like a Led Balloon? I keep waiting for the moment when the gravity of the situation will hit my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and it never happens. It just keeps getting worse and worse.

Not at all. He is trying to work out what the heck he is feeling. He is mentally grasping at straws tryi...

I'm just curious... What made everything hit you like a lead balloon? I keep waiting for that moment to happen with my soon-to-be ex-husband, but every time I think "THIS is going to be it, THIS will make him realize the gravity of the situation", it just continues to get worse and worse. So, I'm wondering. Was it one specific event? Or was it a series of events that built up to something?

 

[Akhos]

@C mom - for me, it was an emotional overflow. For me, it was an emotional and mental breakdown which caused the reality to hit. So it wasnt just a single event, it was my head being overloaded over time where I refused to acknowledge my emotions and that I needed help

 

[C mom]

@Akhos thank you so much for your response. It's taken me some time to come to terms with the fact that this is something he will have to endure alone...[/QUOTE]

 

[C mom]

... and nothing I say or do will help until it does.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi everybody.
Apologies for late reply,
I and him decided to spend a few days in London, get in the festive mode.
It was actually a few wonderful days. He was in an amazing mood through out the days.
He was actually affectionate (he hadn’t been in quite some time), would cuddle up and was really sweet. It’s kind of like his brain had a little bit of a break from PTSD. He did get flustered at times (going on the tubes, or being anywhere that would make him feel stuck without exit)

I decided to just go with the flow. I didn’t ask any questions about our relationship (where are ‘we’, what’s happening with us, etc etc) and I just decided to be very positive, happy and enjoy myself in the moment. It seemed to have a really great effect actually cause he was so relaxed. He did casually state to me that ‘it’s so much better when you just go with the flow and enjoy yourselves without all the pressures/ stresses of the future’

Last week I was so stressed about ‘what are we’, as I felt like he broke up with me. Whilst in London, I didn’t stress about it at all. The day after we got back from London, he had a Christmas party at work. One of his good girl mates mentioned how great and handsome he looked at this Christmas party and he mentioned this to me (for him, other people’s opinions of him matter SO much so if anyone tells him anything positive about him at all.. it lifts him up and makes him feel so much better). Anyway, he mentioned her comment to me and I was not jealous at all as I know this girl and I know she is a lovely person and a great friend of his. Then after he told me about the comment he says ‘don’t worry though, I’m taken anyway’
It was lovely to hear that from him.

From now on, I’m going to try my best to stay positive, cheerful, take care of myself. Love myself and of course be a good partner too. I’m going to try and not be inaeudre and not take his comments too personally when he has his bad days. I’m going to Go with the flow and live by the day rather than worrying. I just felt like he became so relaxed because I was too.

What do you guys think, is it a good approach according to the situation? Also, akhos I’m going to make sure that I read your trauma diary. Thanks so much for sharing.

Love to you all xx

 

[Akhos]

When you notice him getting a bit "flustered" as you put it, take him by the hand and give it a squeeze. It will reassure him even if he doesnt say or show that it does. It shows him that you are aware of his emotional state but you arent putting him on the spot by asking him. You are confirming to him that you are there for him without either of you saying anything

Glad it was better, just be aware that it could easily switch within seconds, so cherish the good times and dont take them for granted

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Akhos, thanks for the heads up. I’ll keep that on mind.

Do you think ‘laid-back/positive thinking/go with the flow/not insecure/not putting pressure on the relationship’ attitude helps? Would it benefit someone who has PTSD, help them handle the situation better etc?

 

[Akhos]

Anything that doesnt add unnecessary stress is good. Even positive stress can make it over flow

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Positive stress.. do you mind giving me an example?

 

[Akhos]

Positive interactions can cause positive stress. Having an enjoyable day out even though its tiring is a positive stress. Did you read that link about the PTSD cup posted earlier on in this thread?

So, unrelated to positive stress, the wife just came home now and told me that the headlight bulb in her car is out. Today has been a long day for me emotionally, and the thought of having to then replace a lightbulb has made me cry. Because thats enough to now make everything come to the surface, even though its a small thing.

 

[anon1234]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD
Each situation is different and you will need to gauge this as time goes by. I was told I was too laid back and not into the relationship, which caused stress and anxiety...when in reality I was taking it slow and trying not to rush things/overwhelm. It's a difficult balance.

 

[LB226]

@anon1234 That was also the story with my vet. He felt like I wasn't invested into the relationship. He really pushed me on that issue and I could not convince him otherwise. He was very impulsive and high strung and I was cautious and slower in making big decisions. I explained this to him and he didn't believe me, and he eventually accused me of cheating on him. It seems that some with PTSD are much more reluctant to move quickly in relationships, and others, like my ex, wanted to be married very quickly. He was twice divorced with his second marriage barely lasting a year!