Relationship Boyfriend Left Me Need Advise

[Slw4789]

Hi, I am hoping to get some advise and perspective about my current situation with my boyfriend.

We met last march and fell in love quickly and moved in together within a few months.

Everything had been going great up until November when the holidays were coming up I could tell he was getting depressed and he said it was hard because it was the first year that him and his wife of 9 years and their son were not a family anymore. I understood what he was going through and tried to be supportive and let him talk when he wanted to.

The next thing that hit him was that his son was tested for autism and it was determined that he is not autistic but is developmentally delayed and has a low IQ and was put in special ed classes, he understandably had a hard time accepting that there was something wrong with his son.

The next blow was that the week before Christmas we found out that he was going to be deployed for the third time. The first one was in 2007 in Cosavo(sp?), the second one was Iraq in 2010 and now they are sending him to Qatar for probably a year. At first he seemed ok with it but after about 2 weeks he started shutting down, being distant, pushing me away, not wanting to talk or do anything but watch movies and be on his phone playing games or on Facebook. One night I had a nightmare that he cheated on me and I told him about it and he said the same night he had a nightmare that when I came to pick him up at the airport after being deployed i told him that I had cheated on him. After this i asked him what was wrong and why he was depressed and he said it was just the dream that it really bothered him. I tried to reassure him that would never happen but I know that when you have been hurt before it is hard to believe that someone else won't hurt you too.

After a few more days and him getting worse i asked him again what was wrong, he again said it was the dream and that he really didn't want to go on this deployment and he was afraid his son would think he was never coming back. I told him that the nightmare is not going to come true and that his son who is 7 is old enough to understand and that he just needs to explain it to him. He was better for a few days then last week he started getting depressed again, this time it was because it had been a year since him and his wife separated and they could now file the divorce papers. He said that he thought we moved too fast in our relationship and that it was his fault but he didn't take the time to be alone and grieve over his failed marriage. I asked him what I could do to help and he said he just needed space. I tried to give him the space he needed but it was hard on me that he was pushing me away and there was nothing i could do to help him. I finally broke down one night and tried to cry in the shower so he wouldn't know but he did. The next day he texted me and said that he felt sick because he had a lot on his mind, I asked him what was bothering him and he said "me upsetting you, I can't keep doing it". That night we talked and he decided the best thing for him to do was to move out and be alone for a few weeks to get his head together without distractions and he said it wasn't fair for me to have to go through his depression.

The next day I came home from work and he was waiting on me he had packed most of his stuff, we talked for a little while and I told him that I was here if he needed me and I wish I could help him. He hugged me for a good few minutes then said "see you later". That was a week ago, last night I had a breakdown from missing him, I had never gone this long without talking to him and it was really hard on me, so I did what I knew I shouldn't have done and I called him. I asked if he was ok and he said he has been fine his routine is go to the gym, go to work, gym again then home. I told him that it was really hard on me and that I missed him so much and I asked if his feelings had changed since being away from me, if he still loved me, etc. He was very angry and cold towards me and said it has only been a week he hasn't had enough time, he said he missed me but other than that he didn't know anything right now he had too much on his mind and by me calling and asking questions he felt pressured and that was going to make him push me away more. I apologized and told him to try to forget our conversation that I want him to focus on himself and what he needs to do to be happy.

Up until the day he moved out he still would kiss me, tell me he loved me, hug me, even when I was crying over him deciding to leave he held me while I cried, kissed my head and he cried some too but did his best to hold it in. He had told me that this had nothing to do with me that he just needed space to try and clear his mind and that him leaving was not something he wanted but something he needed to do.

I am completely devastated, I am the type of person that wants to fix everyone's problems and it kills me that I can't help him. I miss him so much and I feel like he is never going to talk to me again or come back and I am still willing to wait for him and do whatever he needs me to do, I don't want to lose him. I have anxiety issues myself and all I do is overthink things and make myself crazy wondering what is going to happen. I am starting therapy next week to help with my anxiety and coping with this.

I welcome any opinions, feedback, advice that anyone wants to give I would really appreciate some help with my situation. Thanks.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hey friend, I empathize with how you feel. I'm a person that really wants to help fix everyone's problems too. It's heartbreaking to know that you really can't do anything about things sometimes, but it's something that you have to accept. PTSD is complex, and you cannot fix his problems or his issues. It took me a long time to accept that for my sufferer. His PTSD is something that only he can truly learn to manage and resolve through therapy (I hope he's getting therapy anyway!) and the biggest thing that you can do for him is be supportive, an open ear, non-judgemental and understanding, as well as setting boundaries for yourselves should anything become overwhelming.

Please know that communication is key in here. When people have PTSD episodes (and understandibly here with the news of him being deported among other stressors) sometimes the world becomes overwhelming, stressful and downright terrifying. (I'm a supporter, I'm simply quoting from my sufferer. Perhaps a sufferer might want to weigh in on this) Truly, it seems like he loves you very much, and it truly does have nothing to do with you. Honestly, by my experience, my sufferer is absolutely horrified when she has to tell anyone what's wrong, because she feels vulnerable when she does. It's a common feeling. The fact that he trusts you enough to tell you what's bothering him just shows that he really does care and love you, and you are important to him.

I think your best bet here is to focus on yourself, rather than on him for the while. Of course perhaps send him a "I love you, hope you're doing okay" text every day or so (if he's alright with it), but mostly know that he's doing his best to solve his own emotional barrage, and the best way you can help him is to help yourself. It's good you're going into therapy! I hope you learn good coping skills for your anxiety, I know it can be rough. Learn to do things that are relaxing and enjoyable, take up a few hobbies, contact a few friends, find ways to be happy. His absence might be rough, but it'll be okay. Hang in there!

 

[KwanYingirl]

If he has PTSD then why the hell are they deploying him again? He needs therapy and time to resolve all the conflicts in his mind. I am at a loss for words thinking that he's being sent back to action with PTSD. That sucks and I completely understand his reactions to the whole situation. My heart just breaks for him and I hope he finds some solace and gets good visits in with his son before he goes. God bless our Vets.

 

[Slw4789]

Thank you so much for your input it is nice to know that I am not alone and that there is hope for him to get better. Right now he does not want me contacting him at all he says he doesn't want any distractions while he is trying to fix his problems. I have asked him to get help because I am worried about him and he said that I have his word that he will get help but it is hard to know if he is or will. He is very tough army guy and thinks he can't show emotions and has to be strong all the time so I am afraid he is going to try to handle this on his own. I know that if I contact him or push him to get help it will just push him away more so I am just going to ride it out and focus on me for a while

 

[Slw4789]

It has only been a week so I am hoping once he goes through the army to get help that they won't deploy him, on the other hand I'm afraid he won't get help because he doesn't want to let anyone down by not getting deployed. He has so much on his mind right now I think he just has no idea what to do

 

[KwanYingirl]

I think you're right. Poor guy. But just remember he's not reacting to you, but to a memory that overwhelms his ability to cope. If he does end up deployed(but I hope he gets to stay home and get help) you could ask him if he would like to get letters, etc. from you to cheer him up.

 

[Slw4789]

It is hard right now, I want to send him a text just to tell him that I love him and I'm here if he needs me but with the way he reacted last night when I called him I feel like I just need to leave him alone and let him contact me when he is ready. I don't want him to think that I have abandoned him or moved on but I don't want to contact him and push him away even more either. It is a tough situation but I told him before he left that I was here if he needed me and that I would wait for him. I just hope he remembers that.

 

[Casey_03]

I read this a few times, and to be honest, I don't think this has anything to do with PTSD. He may have PTSD, but the way he is behaving seems to have everything to do with his ex-wife and son and not PTSD. Everything you describe points to him just not being over his ex wife yet; he even told you as much, openly. Nine years is a very long time to be together, I doubt he was able to get over that before he met you. It sounds like he got together with you almost immediately after things ended with the ex, is that right? You said he was depressed because it was the first year away from them, he told you he thought you guys had moved too fast, etc. I think he was being honest with you when he said that; to me, it sounds like he is pushing you away because he still misses his ex-wife, or he is still clinging to the hope of being a family with her again. Or it might just be that he never really had time to grieve about the loss of that relationship and he needs to be alone to grieve now. None of those things have anything to do with PTSD. Has he tried to blame his behavior on PTSD? I think you're reading too much into this and trying to make it into something it's not instead of just listening to what he has clearly and openly already told you.

 

[Slw4789]

I appreciate you giving me your input from another point of view, I want to be optimistic but at the same time I need to be realistic and prepare in case he doesn't come back. The reason I thought maybe it was ptsd is because in December would have been their 10 year anniversary and then January was the anniversary of when they separated so I thought maybe those were triggers but you are right he could just need time to grieve, we did meet 2 months after they separated. I asked him if it was because he wanted her back and he said no that things hadn't been good with them for a while and the relationship was over a while ago, the reason they finally split up is because his ex had feelings for someone else. Another reason I thought it was ptsd is because when I tried to talk to him about stuff he said it was really hard to talk about his feelings or really anything because he had never done it before, him and his ex never communicated so he holds things in until he hits his breaking point and blows up. I have never seen him blow up because before they split up he went to anger management classes so he has learned how to release it without blowing up.

Either way I just need to leave him alone for a while and figure things out, he did tell me one night when he upset me that he didn't know what was wrong with him but he would figure it out and fix it so he wouldn't keep upsetting me.

I'm guess I'm just hoping for the best at this pointm

 

[Slw4789]

Hi, I am hoping to get some advise and perspective about my current situation with my boyfriend. Sorry it is so long but I wanted to get all of the details out so I can get good feedback and advise, I also needed vent a little :)

We met last march and fell in love quickly and moved in together within a few months.

Everything had been going great up until November when the holidays were coming up I could tell he was getting depressed and he said it was hard because it was the first year that him and his wife of 9 years and their son were not a family anymore. I understood what he was going through and tried to be supportive and let him talk when he wanted to. Also December would have been their 10 year anniversary, the day of he seemed very depressed and said that he couldn't help but think about it.

The next thing that hit him was that his son was tested for autism and it was determined that he is not autistic but is developmentally delayed and has a low IQ and was put in special ed classes, he understandably had a hard time accepting that there was something wrong with his son.


The next blow was that the week before Christmas we found out that he was going to be deployed for the third time. At first he seemed ok with it but after about 2 weeks he started shutting down, being distant, pushing me away, not wanting to talk or do anything but watch movies and be on his phone playing games or on Facebook. One night I had a nightmare that he cheated on me and I told him about it and he said the same night he had a nightmare that when I came to pick him up at the airport after being deployed i told him that I had cheated on him. After this i asked him what was wrong and why he was depressed and he said it was just the dream that it really bothered him. I tried to reassure him that would never happen but I know that when you have been hurt before it is hard to believe that someone else won't hurt you too.

After a few more days and him getting worse i asked him again what was wrong, he again said it was the dream and that he really didn't want to go on this deployment and he was afraid his son would think he was never coming back. I told him that the nightmare is not going to come true and that his son who is 7 is old enough to understand and that he just needs to explain it to him. He was better for a few days then last week he started getting depressed again, this time it was because it had been a year since him and his wife separated and they could now file the divorce papers. He said that he thought we moved too fast in our relationship and that it was his fault but he didn't take the time to be alone and grieve over his failed marriage. I asked him what I could do to help and he said he just needed space. I tried to give him the space he needed but it was hard on me that he was pushing me away and there was nothing i could do to help him. I finally broke down one night and tried to cry in the shower so he wouldn't know but he did. The next day he texted me and said that he felt sick because he had a lot on his mind, I asked him what was bothering him and he said "me upsetting you, I can't keep doing it". That night we talked and he decided the best thing for him to do was to move out and be alone for a few weeks to get his head together without distractions and he said it wasn't fair for me to have to go through his depression.

The next day I came home from work and he was waiting on me he had packed most of his stuff, we talked for a little while and I told him that I was here if he needed me and I wish I could help him. He hugged me for a good few minutes then said "see you later". That was a week ago, last night I had a breakdown from missing him, I had never gone this long without talking to him and it was really hard on me, so I did what I knew I shouldn't have done and I called him. I asked if he was ok and he said he has been fine his routine is go to the gym, go to work, gym again then home. I told him that it was really hard on me and that I missed him so much and I asked if his feelings had changed since being away from me, if he still loved me, etc. He was very angry and cold towards me and said it has only been a week he hasn't had enough time, he said he missed me but other than that he didn't know anything right now he had too much on his mind and by me calling and asking questions he felt pressured and that was going to make him push me away more. I apologized and told him to try to forget our conversation that I want him to focus on himself and what he needs to do to be happy.

Up until the day he moved out he still would kiss me, tell me he loved me, hug me, even when I was crying over him deciding to leave he held me while I cried, kissed my head and he cried some too but did his best to hold it in. He had told me that this had nothing to do with me that he just needed space to try and clear his mind and that him leaving was not something he wanted but something he needed to do.

I am completely devastated, I am the type of person that wants to fix everyone's problems and it kills me that I can't help him. I miss him so much and I feel like he is never going to talk to me again or come back and I am still willing to wait for him and do whatever he needs me to do, I don't want to lose him. I have anxiety issues myself and all I do is overthink things and make myself crazy wondering what is going to happen. I am starting therapy next week to help with my anxiety and coping with this.

I welcome any opinions, feedback, advice that anyone wants to give I would really appreciate some help with my situation. Thanks

 

[Anrish]

I'm sorry to hear that you have such a hard time. And I admire your courage to reach out and write about the situation.

First important thing: It's not your fault. It's not your fault that he cannot decide and it's not your fault that he cannot sort out his feelings. It's a noble gesture that you want to solve his problems but they're not yours. You supported him the best you did but there's a limit to everything. It helps no one if you destroy yourself in the process of wanting to help him.

It might sound hard: but it's time for a clear cut. Either he sorts out his depressions and feelings or you need to end this relationship. You both suffer - and I think it's unfair that you have to suffer because he's still crying his marriage. It's okay for some time but I get the feeling that he took you for granted. He took for granted that you supported him, held him, left him alone when he wanted so...but who was there for you? Did he even think about how he makes you suffer when he leaves you alone? It's one-sided.

I know how desperate one can become when you're in love and want to support the person you like so much - but especially when you're so desperate it can turn into exploitation easily - in physical or emotional way.

Take care of yourself for the moment. Do yourself something good. It's time for self-care now - after you took care for him for so long.

 

[Slw4789]

Anrish Thank you for your input, I see where you are coming from as far as it sounding like he took me for granted but up until November everything was perfect, he was always doing things for me, comforted me when I was upset about something, did whatever he could to make me happy. In August our puppy had to have a delicate spinal surgery and he knew how stressed and scared I was about the whole thing (he was too) but he would take off work to go to all of the appointments with me and the day of the surgery he spent all day taking me anywhere I wanted to go to keep my mind off of it. 2 weeks after the surgery we went to the beach and while we were there we got a call that the puppy was having some complications from the surgery, we left and he drove all night so that we could go take care of him.
We would have date night once a week and we took turns deciding where we would go and what we would do, we were constantly doing things together. He even bought me a kayak so that I could go kayaking with him. He has the biggest heart and tries to make everone happy and be on good terms with everyone (including his ex.)
It wasn't until right before thanksgiving that he started going down hill and even through his depression when he realized he upset me he would try to pretend everything was ok so that he wouldn't upset me, I don't think he realized a lot of the things he was doing until I pointed them out. One night I got upset and was crying because he was staying to himself and seemed like he was pushing me away. When I told him why I was upset he hugged me and said he didn't know what was wrong with him but that he was going to figure it out and fix it so he wouldn't upset me anymore.
For these reasons I feel like he left because he felt like he was hurting me and in his mind the best thing to do was to leave so that he couldn't hurt me anymore. I had a friend tell me the same thing that I should just end it but after finding this site and reading other people's stories that are so similar I feel like if I end the relationship that it will make him feel abandoned which will just make things worse. If all of this is because of ptsd then he doesn't have a rational way of thinking right now and isolating himself is the only way he knows how to get his thoughts straight, figure out what he needs to do to help himself and not hurt me in the process(at least I am hoping that is what is happening). I am willing to give him some time to see how he feels in a few weeks and if this isn't because of ptsd and he just really doesn't want to be with me then I will know I at least gave him a chance to get things figured out and I will move on then. I am not putting my life on hold for him but at the same time I am not ready to move on either.