Relationship Boyfriend Left Me Need Advise

[Sweetpea76]

If he isn't formally diagnosed with PTSD, it may be hard for him personally to go and seek help while he is still active duty. A lot of guys will just try and suck it up because there is a lot of stigma about it. It also isn't a matter of them not deploying him if he has PTSD... They still deploy with mild to moderate PTSD from what I understand. If the PTSD is too severe to deploy with, I think they med board them out. He may be trying to avoid that.

It sucks, but right now he has asked for space and no communication. There is nothing you can do now. Those are his boundaries.

All you can do is decide how long you are going to wait on him. What if he doesn't contact again? He may not. Only you can decide how long you are willing to give him before you move on.

 

[Slw4789]

Sweetpea76 he has not been diagnosed with it but he has a lot of the symptoms. I am hoping he gets help but it has worried me that he won't because he is afraid of letting people down and doesn't want other soldiers knowing there is a problem. All I can do is hope and wait. As far as him contacting me again, he will have to, he didn't take everything when he moved out, only necessities. Eventually if he decides he doesn't want to be with me he will have to get the rest of his stuff. He also still has a key to my house and hasn't come to get anything other than his son's bed and toys which also makes me think he just doesn't know what to do and just needs time to think. I am focusing on me for now and once I find out from him what he wants we will go from there. I am trying to mentally prepare myself to move on but also not giving up hope for him.

 

[Friday]

He's not divorced, yet, just separated.
He's deploying for a year.

These two things alone make me think it's extremely unlikely the relationship will be going anywhere. Adding everything else in? Just makes things seem even more unlikely, to me.

 

[Slw4789]

FridayJones I get where you are coming from with this but when he found out he was being deployed we discussed everything that goes into a deployment, how often would we talk, him still being able to pay bills, what to do with his truck for a year, etc. I feel like he wouldn't have even bothered if he didn't plan on being with me through the deployment. As far as the divorce goes, legally they had to wait a year to get divorced because they have a child together, other than that the relationship had been over a long time ago but it is hard to forget a 9 year relationship especially when the 10 year anniversary comes up and the year after separation comes up within 4 weeks of each other. I have considered what you are saying but other than becoming more to himself and not as affectionate but still enough to make me feel like he loves me and wants to be with me, makes me feel like this isn't what he really wants, and he told me the him needing space was a need not a want. I am trying to prepare myself that he isn't coming back but because of his actions leading up to this makes me have hope that he will.

 

[Casey_03]

Has he said he has PTSD? Or spoken about it with you openly?

 

[Sighs]

@KwanYingirl - my vet was formally diagnosed with PTSD but assessed as being only 20% impaired. So they re-deployed him. At least four times. Until he was 100% impaired. The military keep using "task elements" until they can no longer be used.

 

[Navy Girlfriend]

I can empathize with you because my boyfriend asked me for space when he came home from his deployment. He said he needed time to focus on himself and get started on getting better and readjusted back to civilian life and said that it had nothing to do with me. That space lasted for 6 weeks and we barely talked. He would send me a text maybe once every 2 weeks just to say he loved me and I would text him to tell him I loved him and I was here for him no matter what but he didn't always reply. I had extreme anxiety during that time and I didn't know how to cope with it. I was so worried about him and also afraid that we were going to end up breaking up. I know it's hard but try to focus on yourself and stay as busy as possible. He will come around, he just needs time.

 

[Slw4789]

Casey_03 he has not said he has PTSD but did tell me at one point he was in counseling for anger management. Also when we were at the beach last year a horrible thunder storm came through that was extremely loud and shook the house and he completely freaked out, tried covering his head with pillows, jumped every time it thundered, I felt so bad he was so scared and all I could do was hug him. He told me later that a building near his base in Iraq was blown up and it was like he was reliving that again.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Sighs thats pretty dangerous if you ask me. What singsong came up with a scale for PTSD? Can someone have a littlePTSD? Morons.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's like that in the states too... percentages based on severity of symptoms and how they effect your ability to do your job. If you can function, you deploy. If you can't, you get med boarded out.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well, I don't think that's a healthy policy. It's like if you have a small cancer, you go to war. If it gets bigger but you're still alive, you go to war. If it spreads to your bones and you take pain meds, you go to war. Only when your brain is more full of cancer than brain and stops functioning, you get treatment.

 

[Sarah05]

Hi @Slw4789, sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. Creating distance between themselves and loved ones is a very common response for soldiers who find out they are being deployed. Especially if he has post-traumatic symptoms, he is going to have a lot to mentally prepare for. Add in having to say goodbye to loved ones (including his kids which could be especially hard), possibly feeling stress or guilt for leaving them behind, and dealing with the fear that you could possibly not see them again, and the instinct to create distance and ease some of the pain of leaving is somewhat understandable. As he said, “something he needed to do” because he has way too many scary things on his mind. For right now, I’d say he really probably does just need some time to figure out how he feels about everything – family, people, deployment, getting things in order, fears, etc.

I think it is a great idea and brave of you to go to therapy to help you cope with all these issues! Maybe this can give you time to focus on yourself as well and develop even more effective coping mechanisms for your anxiety that could help you for the rest of your life. It’s not an easy situation at all, but just try to focus on things you can control rather than things you can’t :)