Boyfriend Of Victim Needing Advice

[Pebble]

I am a boyfriend of a young lady (26) who was abused by her significantly older brother-in-law from the age of 13 physically (although grooming had been taking place before this) to 18 years old.

The abuse was as frequent as at least once a week and involved being taken to other pedophiles at the ages of 13 and 14. This early rape was as I understood a rape situation to be. She remembers crying throughout the experiences and not understanding what was happening. Often it was filmed and with multiple men.

She then developed Stockholm Syndrome (falling 'in love' with your abuser) as a response to the events. This lead to her now still only 14 doing all she could to 'please' him. She would regularly attend swingers parties. Often with men/couples initially unaware of her age (14). She was brought a laptop so she could (with the brother-in-laws guidance) set up sex parties with other men/couples via email chats and to watch porn to find exciting positions etc. Her whole life was simply abuse day in day out. When under his control in this time she had 3 abortions with one occasion her not knowing who the father could be due to the volume of rape that month. This has massively affected her.

This less typical later raping I would like to know more about. This period has left her feeling discussing and she until recently (when our councillor explained certain things) left her hating herself viciously. Please don't confuse my lack of understanding on this area to mean I hold any blame at my girlfriends feet. I just wish to understand this consensual/brainwashed rape better to help her. I fully understand that a 14 year old is not of a devolved mind to consent to swinging. Especially, a young girl who has been being abused and groomed for many years.

Luckily (her words) she got Leukaemia which stopped the pedophiles and parties as she was constantly in hospital and incredibly ill for 12-15 months. While ill and isolated in hospital the brother-in-law continued his grooming and increased his control. Then then had 'an affair' (for the want of a better description) for a number of years.

I'm looking for advice on how I can better understand the horrific emotions and pain she must have suffered. She remembers the confusion and pain she felt in seeing her abuser start a family (two children) with her sister while still convincing her he loved her (grooming).

This went onto the age of 18 when she started to see the real world she had previously not be exposed to. She began to realise the life she was living was not normal as her social interaction grew.

She now suffers PTSD in the form of night terrors/flashbacks. We do go to see a counsellor once a week, but more views I think can only help.

The counselling has been positive, but it has brought about its own problems for me which I would like advice on too. My girlfriend simply couldn't get the words out unless I was with her and we agreed we needed professional help. For me hearing about the abuse in such detail has made me incredibly angry towards the brother-in-law who is still 'on the scene' as he has access to my girlfriends young nieces (his children). I'm just constantly angry and sad since discovering this horrific story and worried to how I may react if I ever saw him. In fact I have a constant battle not to do something 'silly'. I feel so selfish when I'm down as I'm obviously not the main victim here.

So... To some up. My girlfriend is the most amazing person on this planet to me and I want any advice on how I can help her. If you can also help with my little side (anger/sadness) issues too I would be incredibly grateful.

 

[Inwardly_Broken]

Pebble, first off I want to thank you for being a real adn true man. A man who is wanting the best for her and you are obviously in this for the long run. Thank you for putting forth the effort to help her through this long and trying time. Your sincere love, care, and honesty will help her a lot. Keep going to the therapy sessions! Things will get better, they always do :) I hope you find the support and advice you're looking for on this site!

 

[Pebble]

I've started a new tread as my organisation of my girlfriends story I wasn't happy with. Thanks for your help.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Pebble,

Firstly I have edited your post above to reflect the changes you wanted to make. Therefore I have deleted the other thread you created. This one already had a reply, so cannot be removed.

I am sorry for what you and your girlfriend have been through. It is tough for her, but I know it is also incredibly hard to be a supporter, and at times feel so helpless.

I am really pleased to hear that you are both having counseling. This is clearly not something that you cannot deal with alone.

You do not say if you think the nieces are still at risk from this man? I must admit that worries me. If your girlfriend has not been down the legal route, could you/she even not report your concerns anonymously?

As for how you deal with all this, well time does help. That and the therapist, of course. It is important to acknowledge that you cannot change history. But it is all about learning how to put it in its place and learn to live in the present. So much easier said than done I know. Clearly she has faced her past head on. That is a fantastically brave move. There will be ups and downs and you will find it hard to hang on at times.

Thank you for being there for her, and for caring so much.

I wish you both well.
Lucy x

 

[Pebble]

Thanks for your reply Lucy.

The police were notified and an investigation took place. The investigation brought about the end of the marriage of the abuser and my girlfriends sister. He admitted to having sex with a 13 year old to the police. He said had 'slept walked' and confused my girlfriend with her sister. He said it was a one off and he felt horrible. He denied any further rape and said that they had enjoyed a relationship/affair when she was 16+.

My girlfriend at this time was very messed up understandably. She was heavily into drink and drugs and far from an upstanding citizen. He is a very successful seller of war memorabilia and very wealthy. The police without any evidence didn't believe her and she nearly got done for wasting police time. They told the brother-in-law when they was going to come round to speak to him. He disposed of his computer and laptops before the police visited.

Even now my girlfriends family are close to tears whenever the investigation is mentioned; and the family only think there was 2-3 rapes pre-leukaemia. They have no idea of the scale of the evil. They feel the police investigation was a joke. When my girlfriend went to give a second and third statement. All that was discussed was her drinking, drugs and antisocial behaviour. They was told by him that she was just upset he had wanted to finish the affair which they believed.

I honestly am very worried for his children. In fact the new wife of the abuser (who looks like my girlfriend and the same age) said to my girlfriends sister.
"Don't worry about the girls. If anything happens I think it'll be their friends."

Who can even say something like that?!?! The new girlfriend doesn't see a pedophile. She thinks he just has a sexual problem to do things unorthodox. Which she must also embrace.

Social services did visit the girls to discuss appropriate touching etc. and all seem normal to them.

I'm so disappointed with the police. After talking to our counsellor she has spoken to many people with the same story.

It's all just one horror story after another with my girlfriends childhood. It makes me feel incredibly angry.

 

[Pebble]

Correction to above:

*Who can even say something like that?!?! The new wife doesn't see a pedophile. She thinks he just has a sexual problem to do things unorthodox. Which she must also embrace.