Boyfriend With PTSD Pushed Me Away

[sisu]

Thank you Cowgirl. I have really done a lot of soul searching on my own. After my divorce I waited 2 years ... until I felt whole again ... before I went out on my first date. I went out with lots of "frogs" until I found my prince ~ the ex-BF in question. I would have never guessed that my ex-BF would have this swift change in personality. He was so caring, attentive, loving, etc. I am very comfortable with the "post - honeymoon" stages. I actually think they are better...you are more comfortable with each other and it feels nice. I am not done figuring myself out yet....don't think I ever will be.....but I must say that I do think I am pretty groovy. I am not perfect, but who is? That would be too hard to maintain. And I don't want to be with anyone who is perfect. I like to laugh and I do that often (sometimes for no apparent reason...something funny just pops into my head).

But you are right, I am going to do some more soul searching to find if I am trying to fix these broken people. The hard thing about that question is....the people that wind up broken or later I find out they are broken....don't seem broken when we meet. Part of that "pretend to be who they want me to be" stage I guess. Maybe I need to be more intune with possible red flags....:dontknow:

More later.
Sisu

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Sisu,

It's been a bit since I've posted, but felt compelled after reading your experience.

Please know that you're not alone. I'm so grateful to this forum for helping me connect the pieces to a really complicated puzzle between me and my ex. I second Samsara's advice for a 'final' email. I sent it to mine nearly three weeks ago. It was empowering, but extremely sad for me. "What if it really is goodbye?", I thought. I didn't want to give him any more reason to give up. Although, his actions had clearly shown he had given up, so I was just calling it what it was. I was taking back my pride and my dormat love. I gave him a brief synopsis of why I was doing it. I stress keeping it brief because the last thing they need is something overly complicated. I then told him what he needed to do. I told him he needed therapy. I told him he needed to learn to like himself, to like others, stop being angry, etc. It all sounds so basic. But, I said that it wasn't until he could learn these things that he could ever be in a healthy adult relationship. I sure he knows that, just like your ex does. But, sometimes they need that line of correlation drawn between their behavior and the conquences in their life. As has been pointed out, they do not easily perceieve just how they actions affect others.

I also stress the need for it to be final. I so badly wanted to add "for right now". But, those words in themselves will keep you in this tangled mess. Believe me, I know. He was such a toxic distraction for me, my grades in school went to pot and I was basically fired. The upside of my termination was that they knew that I have (controlled) clinical depression, so they offered me severence -- enough for me to move back South, where all my friends are! But, my point is this -- do not let him take any more from you than he already has. I was incredibly fortuante to find myself in a sitution with a kind employer. And the thing is, it becomes a slippery slope, and you don't even see where it's lead you until it's too late, and you're life starts to look as haphazzard as theirs.

I, too, have questioned why I am attracted to persons who are damaged, and have yet to figure it out. But, the first step is to start looking out for yourself. That is not selfish. It's necessary. Draw lines for yourself. Know what you will and will not put up with. Because, as much as you may truly love this man, his condition does not give him the right to treat you any less than you deserve!

Best of luck, Sisu!

 

[sisu]

You are so right blueyedgirl.....I am enabling his behavior because I so badly want him to feel better again. I am allowing him to ignore my calls, emails, cards, etc and yet I continue to try to tell him I am there for him. I am being a door-mat instead of a strong woman. I did send an email yesterday pointing out the fact that his communication style sucks and that if he and I were to even be friends that would have to change. I told him that I did not appreciate his lack of acknowledging my cards or calls. I didn't expect to hear from him, but I did. It took him 24 hours but he did thank me for the cards and calls. He also called himself a terrible person...which he is not. Why do they have such low self-esteem??

I am working on my letter. I will write and re-write to make sure that the words are exactly right and they are words that I can live with. And when I am ready...I will send it. I am not quite ready yet. Almost...

Thank you for your words. They were very helpful and insightful.
Sisu

 

[Langdon]

Hi Sisu,

It wasn’t too long ago that I was where you are. Had a wonderful relationship of several months, knew about the PTSD but it didn’t seem to be a factor. Then some triggers happened and the downward spiral began right after the holidays. I Even got the same lecture of “you deserve more than this” and then contact ceased.

I know and have been exactly where you are - it eats you up every day wondering if you’ll hear, if maybe the next time you make contact there will be a response and everything will go back to where it was. If only….

All I can say is you have to take care of yourself first. Channel your energy into ways to help yourself. I found I was spending so much time trying to figure things out that I started to neglect my own well-being. I looked at ways to improve my life in the short term…losing some lbs, getting exercise, paying attention to things I neglected during the relationship. The hardest part was taking a good hard look at what I want in a relationship and how I want to be treated by someone I love. It isn’t an easy task, but you’ll find there are a lot of things that probably don’t mesh between what you’re looking for and how you're being treated right now.

It is so hard when emotions developed during a loving, caring time have to catch up with the reality of how things are now. You will have to consider, too, that in the end, maybe fate has dictated that he has come into your life, not to be the life partner of your dreams, but for a different reason - to teach you lessons for your life journey. Maybe to better prepare you so that in time you WILL find the person of your dreams.

Acknowledge that and thank him in your heart, but try not to keep dwelling on the PTSD and what you can do to cure it. Allow yourself time to grieve. Allow yourself to see what a beautiful and good person you are in spite of what has happened to you. Take things one day at a time and slowly but surely you’ll get to a point where you can still wish the best for him, but not continue to linger on the bad times.

Do I have days when I fall back into thinking “What if?“ Absolutely! But as time passes, I find those times are fewer, and not as debilitating. My constant wondering is starting to be replaced, by thankfulness for the good times we had, but also with an understanding that PTSD has caused my relationship to change.

Work hard at getting back to living your life. Focus on your needs and this will set you on the road to help heal the hurt you feel right now.

 

[samsara]

Excellent advice Langdon. I couldn't have said it better myself.

You can't live his life for him, and if you don't balance out your energy and fight against your "wonderwoman" syndrome, your life as you know if will fall apart. It just will. And suddenly it will be you on the couch. Balance is power and health. But you have to keep working on it and this experience if you allow it, will make you more prepared with less heartache in the future.

I have realised how much I have grown and learnt this time round, the signs suddenly become luminous all over the walls. Difference this time is, I have knowledge and I know how to protect myself. I am not wonderwoman and nor do I want to be.

 

[sisu]

This forum is so great. It is so clear when I see the words that everyone else has written....most of the time because I have already thought them. I am trying to be superwoman like Samsara said....I am becoming obsessed by this. It is consuming me and if I don't quit obsessing I will lose myself. I cannot help him. He has to help himself. The past two days he has felt like he is having a heart attack. Hmmmm...could it be anxiety??? Maybe now that he is having uncomfortable physical symptoms he will get the help he so dearly needs.

I am going to try to distance myself from the situation for a while. Get my head cleared out and my thoughts in order. I can no longer beat my head against the wall.....if I continue, I will get brain damage.... ;)

Sisu :wall:

 

[sisu]

He came over last night and we just hung out and watched a movie. I just wanted to hang out with no stress of talking about "us" because I already knew the answer to that situation. Plus, we used to enjoy just hanging out. Besides our "love connection" we truly were best friends. We truly enjoyed each others company. I guess I was hoping for that.

Anyway, as I was sitting there watching the movie...he would say things like, "you look uncomfortable", or "have you gone on dates yet?" or "you must have the men all over". I just kinda ignored his comments because it was then I finally realized that he is playing a game. Not one to intentionally hurt me, but a game none the less. He is checking my "status" and although he is not available emotionally right now. So, later when he got up I moved over on my couch and layed down. I have a huge sectional couch that could probably seat 8 or more people. Plenty of room for me to lay down and still room for him to sit, lay or whatever. He chose to practically sit on top of me he was so close. He grabbed my hand and held it. Then at one point I sat up to get a drink of my drink and when I went to put my head back down, he put his arm around me and pulled me over so my head was on his chest. Of course I did not resist ~ should I have?? Confusion... This is how we would always watch tv when we were together. Anyway, when he was ready to leave he leaned over and hugged and kissed me. I was ready to just give him a peck ~ which I did. He then said, "is that all you got?". I was a bit confused. Then he kissed me again.....much more passionately. Confusion.... Then he hugged and kissed me again at the door.

I CANNOT allow this. It hurts my heart when all I want is for us to be back together. Because of this I read into what his actions are and get optomistic. It will only wind up hurting me if I think this way. I don't think he understands how his actions affect me yet. I cannot handle the hot and cold. WHY IS THIS SO HARD??

Sisu

 

[Cowgirl]

Oh, OUCH!

How can I put this in a public forum? I will try to phrase it carefully, I guess!

I once dated a guy for a short while, long, long ago. He was into push-pull relationships, drawing me in, then distance and then trying to draw me in again. I was more naive back then. I asked a girl friend for her thoughts. She said he wanted a "F*** buddy." I'd never heard the term before. But what he wanted was someone who would be there for him when he had sexual desires, romantic desires, etc. and who would go away and leave him alone the rest of the time. Ah-ha! And that fit my BF's behavior to a T. She was right on target. I moved on, not wanting to have such a relationship and figuring he needed someone who would not get emotionally involved.

Don't expect the BF, or ex-BF as the case may be, to understand that you have emotional needs that are not filled by being alternately pushed away and drawn in. He will not understand your emotional needs, as yours are very different from his own.

You deserve someone who will love you and care for you, not someone who plays you when it suits his needs. Possibly you can eventually just be friends. But before that can happen, the emotional wounds have to heal. Perhaps it would be healthier for you if you take a break from contact for a time, until you don't hurt?

Anyhow, that is my read on it.

Best wishes to you!

Cowgirl

 

[sisu]

Thanks Cowgirl.....I agree.

I did it. I sent an email ending it. I cannot help him anymore if he does not want the help. Plus, he has to WANT to get better and help himself. I was becoming obsessed with the problem and it is not healthy. And right now because of his ptsd, he has no room in his life for anything but himself.

Thank you everyone for all of your help, advice, straight talk, etc. I cannot tell you how much I appreciated the advice and all the stuff I learned on this forum. It has been an amazing gift.

Sisu
:occasion:

 

[neverforget]

I wish you all the best Sisu.

I know it's not easy to take such a decision.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Langdon]

Sisu

I think you did the right thing, but I know it is a tough decision to make.

Something that might help...

Take the PTSD out of the situation for a moment...just for a moment.

Now, think of basic common sense dating rules. Would you want to date a healthy person who treated you like this? Probably not. Would you constantly be as forgiving for a healthy person who exhibited bad behavior toward you? Most likely not.

Hopefully for his sake he will eventually take the path toward dealing with his PTSD. But only he can make that choice, and apparently he's not at that point yet.

 

[sisu]

Thanks Langdon for your support. I do feel really good about it. It is like a ton of weight lifted off my shoulders. I was so obsessed with helping him and forgiving him because of the ptsd, that I was being swallowed up. You are so right....I would have never allowed a "healthy man" to treat me like that. For my own mental health, I had to walk away. I hope that he will someday feel motivated to get help. Right now he is just surviving ~ not living.

I would have stayed forever if he even showed one ounce of respect for my feelings and met me part way....but that hasn't happened for about 9 weeks.

He has to do this on his own.

Have a wonderful week!
Sisu
:Hug_emoticon: