Relationship Boyfriend With Ptsd Wants A Break

[lostforgottensoul]

I know my feelings do matter,

Yes they do, and you are right, his does as well but maybe take this time to do some self care?

Are you in any sort of counsling? It could help you sort of work your own feelings out and help you focus on you. Either way, post around in this site in the supporter area how best to self care in this time as its so important and the supporter MODS are wonderful with successful PTSD relationships. They have invaulable insight!

I didnt think that it was just you, I think the facebook thing makes me more fearful that he is going into a deeper isolation and at least for me, I cant seem to get myself out of deep isolation. I certianly agree that if you are completely removed from his life that would be deterimental to him. He needs all the support he can get. Having you is wonderful for him as understanding support.

You're a gem! :hug:

 

[Dizzle]

I don't think setting boundaries works well during this stage of an episode. I think it would be wis...

I do agree with this to a point. This issue is not something I plan to bring up until 1- I KNOW he is okay and is in a good enough place to talk about the hard things, or 2- He brings it up himself. I definitely plan on letting know I joined this site so I can gain insight that may help our relationship, and help me through our episodes. I don't really want to set any boundaries per sey, but maybe a plan or a "safe word" so to speak that lets me know that it is time for him to need some space, and I do not have to worry about our relationship.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't think setting boundaries works well

Setting boundries needs to be done in any relationship and it may not be the right time but that does not mean it doesnt need to happen. He needs to express that he needs a break, and she understands needing breaks. She has massive understanding of PTSD but this "break up...come back...break up...come back" cycle does nothing but hurts people.

Healthy boundries set in an understanding, not jusgemental way is needed and done in my sufferer life and I didnt leave.

 

[Dizzle]

Yes they do, and you are right, his does as well but maybe take this time to do some self car...

@lostforgottensoul I currently am not in any form of counseling at the present time, however my work does provide a weekly on site counselor for free. I have been considering making an appointment with him. I may not have mental issues as severe as PTSD, but I do have a little issues of my own (depression and abandonment issues from bio father bailing at 13) that I would like to control, so this type of situation does not occur again.

For the most part, this incident aside, I have ALWAYS felt safe and secure in our relationship. So I don't really think I have anything to worry about in all actuality.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Dizzle, Id just keep an 'eye out' for depression etc or just the need to talk to someone other than the site and seek some of the free counsling. Its good to know that its there if you need it.

It sounds like you have good control on this situation to me. I do think, in a better time (so not right now) that boundries or better communication of telling you that he needs space rather than breaking up as I think, that possibly, him leaving again may had triggered your abandonment issue from the past. I could be wrong of course but it may have been a knee jerk reaction from that and i just think that if he tells you "i need some space" rather than the break up, come back, break up cycle; that it would be healthier on both sides.

But like I said, it sounds like you have a good handle on it.

 

[Dizzle]

@Dizzle, Id just keep an 'eye out' for depression etc or just the need to...

@lostforgottensoul You are exactly right- it was a knee jerk reaction from a prior relationship. I had been single for 5 years prior to this, so I was not aware this was even still a trigger for me. My ex and I were off and on for 8 years. The difference, is he had absolutely ZERO communication skills, so I always had to read between the lines. When he would say "I need a break," it meant "we are about to break up, I just need to find the right day to do it." My current boyfriend has NEVER given me any need to have to read between the lines, which is why I felt so horrible about my reaction. He does know about the past relationship and what I had to go through, however I doubt he was even in the right state of mind to even realize that this was a trigger for me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He does know about the past relationship and what I had to go through, however I doubt he was even in the right state of mind to even realize that this was a trigger for me.

Well, maybe not say it was a trigger but making him aware of it might help him understand things better too. You'd be suprised as PTSD is full of triggers so he may get it was a trigger but either way, he would be able to understand things better.

Personally id let him be for a bit but not too too long, just let him know that you are there and care. You know? But thats me and my issue. You really are an amazing supporter and has a good handle on it all. Trust your intution too. Thats important as is self care and concentrating on you is important.

 

[Dizzle]

@lostforgottensoul Absolutely. Thank you so much for your insight and perspective. It's nice to finally hear that this may not be as doomed as outsiders have insinuated.

 

[Alistair]

Do the work on yourself.

I am in a separation with my wife at present. I am a PTSD sufferer and so is my wife. I have been in the break-up cycle with her like clockwork. This is the third in 8 years. Always in April/ may. Her birthday, our Anniversary. Very much a pattern.

My wife has asked me for space while she finally approaches her PTSD issues and so I've moved out.

My internal war with my emotions and triggers have to be done alone, so she can face her issues without me "front and center" as she puts it.

The challenge for me is to be able to stand by and see a future for us, while others tell me to move on.

Giving a sufferer space when they request it is amongst the hardest things we can do, but we must...for them.

And for our own self respect.

Do the work on you.

 

[Dizzle]

Do the work on yourself.

I am in a separation with my wife at present. I am a PTSD sufferer and so is...

@Alistair Thank you for your perspective. Before I starting researching more about PTSD and the isolation periods, I was feeling very concerned that I have again put myself in another unhealthy on/off relationship. The last one lasted for 8 years....

I guess the main difference that I'm definitely using to keep myself positive right now, is if my current boyfriend really wanted to break up, he would have said it as he has before. Maybe that's a naive way to go about it, but right now I'm just grasping at whatever I can to remain positive and not bombard him.

 

[Dizzle]

*started. Autocorrect is failing me today, apparently.

 

[Olivia2016]

Setting boundries needs to be done in any relationship and it may not be the right time but t...

Good for you. I am happy you had a good communication before the hell broke loose (if it did). In my case, discussing boundary or anything is not an option now. He is just not in a state to discuss anything right now, he is in a zone where i have no entrance, and he does not see the reality around him. There is no communication, period. There is no chance to set boundaries. I think this us on a case by case, and depends on the severity. I said it was not a good idea to give ultimatums and try to set boundaries when a sufferer is avoiding all communications. Just not the right timing.