Break The Role

[shimmerz]

Break the role, break the role, break the role. Just thinking out loud. Family stuff. Dysfunctional families have roles for people. Sometimes those roles change, sometimes they stay the same. Sometimes people vie for a 'higher' role. I found this on a web site. It called to me.

A sign that you have broken free of the shackles of generations of emotional abuse and exorcised yourself of those ghosts, is to free yourself of “the role” that has been assigned to you to support the dysfunction.

I am sure I don't see completely clearly how my life has been affected by previous family dynamics, although my birth parents were children in Germany in WWII. Came from dysfunctional families. I was raised by a narcissist type mother (somewhere high on the scale). A father who couldn't protect because my mother was so domineering, my sister being her sidekick. Me being the scapegoat.

But then my husband's family. Goddam. The boy's are little soldiers of theirr father. They completely mimic him. They are enmeshed psychologically and I am certain that you guys are so tired of hearing about this. But I am far away now in a safe place. And my family stuff led to my friend having a really tough day yesterday, and my not being able to function again today. I can see how quickly it hits me when the dynamics affect me. I am like a different person.

How does one not just switch roles in the family but release them altogether - especially when one is a mother who really cares about her kids (grown as they may be). Is my only option to not care about them anymore?

Do we speak about family dynamics enough on this board? Give it enough air time? Does it affect us more than we know?

 

[Eleanor]

I don't know the answers here. But ((((((((((shimmerz))))))))))).

I hope your sons come around. Get on with your life. Set and enforce good boundaries. Be yourself. That's the best anyone can do.

 

[Eleanor]

In case you need this. You are allowed to cut them off. You can make it a trial period - six months, a year of no contact - and then re-evaluate if you like. You raised your children. They are adults. They are making choices that make them toxic for you. You do not need to lay down your life on the alter of their illegitimate "needs." You need to take care of you, and you is requiring a lot of care these days. They have lots of resources.

Take care of you first. There is not a thing wrong with that. I know. I have a PhD in this stuff. Trust me, I'm a doctor.:geek::ninja:

 

[desiderata310]

NO,
You still care but with the understanding that you have done your job.
I have had to simply release my children and trust that I did my job. When my daughter left I thought I would simply die inside. But I quit trying to be the one to always reach out and worry and apologize. When she came to me for advice, and began reaching out to re-establish communication I found that the pain and the anxiety of losing my daughter and the really twisted role I had found myself in was no longer there. She just wanted me to be mom again. There was not power struggle. In fact we had a very powerful and important conversation a few months back where she admitted that she used to not respect me but then began to realize that I had done the absolute best I could and she loved me and respected me for that. I was dumbfounded.

I viewed that time away as my time to heal. I was so wrapped up in trying to stay alive and feel better that, I hate to say it, I didn't really miss her anyway. I'm still struggling. She knows this. She's flat out told me: momma, concentrate on taking care of you and making you happy.

So I'm turning to you now, @shimmerz Momma, concentrate on taking care of YOU and making YOU happy. You being happy doesn't diminish your love for your children.

Your boys are grown. You have done your job and done it well. Now it's time for them to take the examples and the love and let them figure it out on your own. You've succeeded. They have to do what is right or not.

If they start to treat you poorly in a phone conversation, IMMEDIATELY make an excuse and get off the phone(oh! that cat just peed the carpet, oh the mailman just drove into my mailbox, oh the toast is burning, oh! I gotta poo! Love ya bye!). You don't have to take that from them just because you love them. It's not that you don't care, it's survival. If they have become toxic, remove it. Love them from afar.

Maybe that's a really terrible recommendation.
Anyone else want to take a stab?

 

[Friday]

Do we speak about family dynamics enough on this board? Give it enough air time? Does it affect us more than we know?

As this is in the discussion forum & not childhood...

Most of the family dynamics stuff is over in childhood. I only ever answer in there on accident / even though a helluva lot there is pertinent to DV &/or is in the sphere of family dynamics.

Roles? Roles exist in all families. So do social hierarchies. Neither is inherently evil. Or unhealthy. In fact, the resulting chaos from neglect might be best used to describe what happens when there aren't any roles; when parents don't parent & kids would be better raised up by wolves.

It's one of the trends that happens in childhood abuse... & Im 3 years deep with my son going through this process, and it sucks, and is f*cking ugly... The complete and total clusterf*ck that happens loving your abuser. The shades of grey? Quit existing. It (this particular trend, not true for everyone)

Bad people can do good things & Good people can do bad things... Morphs into everything my abuser did/does is evil, even normal things everyone does. & Good people are immediately all things evil if they ever even appear to do anything bad.

It's the kissing cousin to:

I love him; Therefore nothing he does is wrong.... & I don't like him; Therefore everything he does is wrong. ((As well as the inverse, if I'm not 100% correct! I can't be loved... & if I do anything wrong they won't like me.)) Assigning values to things based on a f*cked up premise.

Just been going round robin with these 4 things for the past few years.
:confused::mad::devilish::wtf::devilish::mad::confused: ...:banghead:

As far as roles go?

Try considering them like coats. During f*cked up times you might wear, and even be grateful for the threadbare, too small, smells terrible coat that doesn't fit, or keep you warm in winter, that someone gave you. Getting rid of old roles? Is getting rid of that coat. It doesn't mean that you never need a coat again. It means that you get to get coats of your own, not just cast offs or things you been assigned. Coats that fit. Coats that are warm in winter, lightweight in summer, have nifty pockets, the color suits you... Your coats. That you choose. And more than one. A whole closetfull. The Mom-coat (with seasonal changes for serious, silly, compassionate, stern, etc. ;) ). The Lover-Coat. The Chores-Coat. The BestFriend-Coat. The BadassChef'sApron. The Go-To-Girl-At-Work Coat. The LazyDaySmokingJacket. TheGetShitDone Coat. A whole damn closet full of roles that we all fill, that we all choose. They aren't other people's coats. They're ours. And putting them on is our choice. When, where, & for how long.

In healthy families roles still exist. They tend to switch around a lot, people change roles as needed, usually. There are still problems. Not everyone is happy all the time, or likes the roles they're doing at the moment, or is doing the role -right then- that they're best suited for, or goes about things without complaint, fighting, or fraction. But it's all very in the normal-realm. You might not like the role, but you've chosen to fill it. You might throw a fit and refuse to do it. Even in healthy family dynamics there is a lot of strife. In a lot of areas. They're part of what makes each family pretty unique... In what strifes are front and center & how they're handled. How different personalities interact with each other. All that's pretty normal human interaction stuff. There is a lot of interplay & negotiation.

I think maybe the best way to sort out normal? & I could be wrong... Is that in every normalish family I've known or been a part of? They're very fluid. What's normal changes based off of age, and who is present, and what people have learned, and internal family politics. But abuse & neglect? Everything is static. At best it's the cycle of abuse on constant repeat.

*** This view bright to you by normal childhood marries into abusive family... And still dealing with the f*cking curse that keeps on giving ***

 

[scout86]

((As well as the inverse, if I'm not 100% correct! I can't be loved... & if I do anything wrong they won't like me.))

I was NOT expecting to read something here and think "Oh...Wait....... I DO that......It's the inverse.... It IS the inverse!" Thanks @FridayJones . That's my first illuminating moment of the day!

 

[Ronin]

@shimmerz, being with chosen families, over and over again, the other (if abusive) families ditched as much as possible, the only thing I'd have for advice on that I think.

Though I relate. One reason I prefer to talk of caring figures in my life as real family, as people who 'truly raised me', and the like. It's not even distancing from biological family & toxic histories therein, as reminding myself I know better people, and they did more, keep doing more.

Besides that, attempts at reconnecting with (biological) brother recently spectacularly didn't work. Having a hope for abuser changing? Futile as all hell. No contact is still an useful rule, me thinks. There are some people it's just not worth trying to negotiate with. Triaging own sanity for one? So not worth. (Personal? He's a bastard, who luckily for me, can't fight. ;D Still didn't like the reminder he creates other situations in which he has an advantage. I'm still cursing myself for trying with him, but then, reality landed me on my feet rather fast, so there's gratitude for that.)

Your mileages may vary, and all of that. I'm just radically 'never forgiving & forgetting where possible as I don't want to carry the memory' about my own schtuff, with that level of family. And kids I've had & kids I've raised are still too much of a sore spot in so many other ways. Loss all way round, the other still applies though - as long as I remember them, and as long as there's still love for them? I'm not a failed parent, with anything I failed to do.

 

[sun seeker]

Your coats. That you choose. And more than one. A whole closetfull. The Mom-coat (with seasonal changes for serious, silly, compassionate, stern, etc. ;) ). The Lover-Coat. The Chores-Coat. The BestFriend-Coat. The BadassChef'sApron. The Go-To-Girl-At-Work Coat. The LazyDaySmokingJacket. TheGetShitDone Coat. A whole damn closet full of roles that we all fill, that we all choose.

Between Friday's coats and @Hope4Now's hats, I'm envisioning a whole empowering wardrobe. Hey @shimmerz, you need a new career right? How about fashion design?:cool:

 

[shimmerz]

I can't respond to this yet, but I will. Thank you so much.

 

[desiderata310]

@FridayJones Maybe this thinking will help you build your own wardrobe?;)

 

[Friday]

@FridayJones Maybe this thinking will help you build your own wardrobe?;)[/QUOT...

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: How do you think I came up with the analogy in the first place!!!

As far as the other wardrobe... Workin on that one, too. :p

 

[shimmerz]

not just cast offs or things you been assigned.

This one. Yes. I have been assigned a coat. And the coat is ugly and I refuse to wear it. So yes, coat (I was never one for hats -- sorry Sun) but shoes! Now there is something that I use to be 'me' as well.

I will mull this over. Taking this in very slowly. I hope you guys don't mind. Thank you Friday.