Breaking Free

[Deleted member 1860]

So this is something that I'm really struggling with. I know in my (rational) mind that breaking free of past toxic relationships is ultimately the best for me, yet worry creeps in and plants those seeds of doubt.

I read about other people breaking free of toxic relationships, and I always think "good for them!" But when it comes to actually doing it myself, I somehow end up talking myself out of it, which ultimately keeps me from moving forward. Seeds of doubt such as maybe I'm just running away, maybe I'm just avoiding, maybe I'm a coward for not sticking it out. But no, my rational mind says I've given it my best, I truly have tried to make things work with these people. Or seeds of doubt such as I'll be alone, without any friends, completely and totally without any friends... But again, no, my rational mind says that these people, these toxic toxic people aren't really my friends, and that I've already started to make new connections in new places.

I'm not even talking about my family, I'm talking about friends. I've always had a hard time making new friends, and so I've held on to old ones, even when the friendships were detrimental to me, simply because I didn't want to be friendless. But now I'm to the point where I know I deserve better. I know I can move forward. It's sort of a big DUH moment when you realize that holding on to these toxic relationships is a self fulfilling prophecy in itself, in that all of those fears you hold are true, but only because you stay in those toxic relationships. As in, I'm not making new friends because I'm so focused and time-consumed by the toxic ones!

I've already let go of my facebook account. Huge step right there. My next step is to change my phone number. PITA but maybe now I'll be able to turn the ringer on my phone instead of keeping it on silent. The ringing of my phone is enough to send me into panic...It's been like that since I was first diagnosed almost 4 years ago, and yes, I've had the same number since then. A lot of people don't realize that my phone is on perpetual silent mode, and I only answer if I happen to be looking at my phone at the time. No vibration mode, either, that causes panic, too.

so please keep bugging me about this one! I've been wanting to do this for eons, but always talk myself out of it somehow.

 

[Philippa]

Firstly, I think it's a huge growth curve for you that you have reached this point.

Many people are in the same position as you, and keep holding on to 'friends' who have long outworn their expiry date. It's really hard to walk away, even when you know it's for your highest good, and these people are only holding you back.

I've gone without friends for long periods of time, and I can definitely say that I survived. I even wanted to be without friends for a while so I could really have time to myself without distractions and people who jus twanted to dominate me and never let me have a say in activities and what I wanted to do...always following the leader.

It was like fresh air for me, but for someone else, it might be deaths kiss?

I think there is a heavy stigma in society that puts it on the person that if they don't have friends they are a loser...and being a loser is the worst thing you could ever imagine, right? I can only say that it's all about how you perceive yourself that really matters, and if this is what feels right for you, then go for it...be ruthless.

I still have those doubts, though I have been cutting my family out one by one...but still having trouble with two members, that I have not been able to quite cut out. It feels way too hard, and it is hard, to be alone...but it's better than being immersed in toxic circles that choke you more each day.

I think it's normal what you're feeling though. Chipping through those fears and doubts and remembering that courage is not having no fear, it is feeling your fear and doing what you must anyway...to throw a cliche out there.

Hope it helps, though it feels like I am just mirroring what you just said, but in different words.

 

[Spiderallis]

It's hard, but it'll be worth it. I've done it too. It really sunk in when I was having a hard time and no one came up with a solution that involved doing anything for their benefit. That was my old friends' method of 'helping', coming up with something they needed to distract me from dealing with my own life. There's something about being unhealthy that spreads, I couldn't get better until I got away from that. Healthy spreads too, as you get away from the bad stuff you'll grow and that attracts better friends into your life. It might be a bit lonesome in the in-between time, but I promise, it's worth it.

 

[Philippa]

Sometimes you can't get healthy until you are alone. Like spiderallis said, it can get lonely, but being around unhealthy people all the time makes it even harder to find a way out. Once you can get away, and have some space to heal and get healthy again, you will start to attract healthier type, because they match your vibration and intention. Like attracts like.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So I've been thinking, and thinking, and thinking some more. I realize that not ALL of my friends are toxic. I have a few friends who I'm not as close with due to living so far apart, and it would be wrong of me to just cut off EVERYONE and start fresh. Well, counterproductive in my healing, to say the least! I'm thinking of two people in particular. Yes, I've had my struggles in these friendships, but admittedly much is due to my own difficulty in relationships, not because these people are bad people or they are toxic to me. So I'm willing to continue these two friendships, while removing the toxic "friends" from my life. I haven't changed my number yet, but I have been good about ignoring the texts from the toxic people. One step at a time!

 

[Trembling]

ScaredOfLonely, as the others said, this is a big step. During a lifetime we all change friends, people we know, and only a few of them we trust.

At one stage I did the same, I sorted the ones important for me, the ones I really would think of and surely would have missed after some time....

You are important, and you are the one who can choose.
Get a new phone number and send your number to the people worth having it!

Good luck and slowly slowly!