I have to say I have what seems like hundreds of 'pre-flashbacks' every day. Or perhaps they are flashbacks without the clear picture. I am not sure. I know they are happening because I make noises because my breath is interrupted. My SO has trained me to notice them so I am understanding when they are hitting me and when I am affected.
So the kitchen is a big one. The house in general is but the kitchen has been a horror to work in. By noticing these noises I make, which I didn't realized until my SO trained me to be aware of them, I have recognized that I am worse when at the sink, looking in the fridge, and near the stove. So what I do in order to function in the kitchen is when I notice the noises I leave the kitchen, recover and then go right back in again. I have been sensitive to the kitchen for years now but finally have a 'cue' that I can follow to see perhaps what the problem is.
So yesterday I was cutting up veggies for salad. I was nowhere near either of the three hotspots in the kitchen but instead at the island chopping on a chopping board. I rarely use a knife and he makes fun of me for that as I use a mandolin which he calls the tool of death. For some reason yesterday I picked up a knife and didn't even notice. I started cutting the food (I am not a cutter in a self harm way btw), and WHAM. I saw it. I felt it. Clearly and precisely.
I remembered the event before, but seriously never put it together with why I avoided knives. Not once. Go figure! But now there it was, all laid out in front of me, the series of events. I had to put the knife down and walk away. I walked outside and sat and my brain was literally overloading - replaying the whole event - how it affected me before and how it is affecting me now. Like a room full of dominoes clicking and clacking. It makes so much sense now. I recognized why the fridge was a huge deal, the stove, the lights above the sink area. It makes so much sense.
Now I seem to be able to go into the kitchen without reacting. The fridge is still a problem so I guess that will come with time. I remember why the fridge should bother me - but I haven't 'felt' it the way I did with the knife. I guess I learned that it is the merging of the memory and the emotion and coming to resolution with the two. I sat with my SO after I had processed and we talked about what part I played in it all. The actions I was being accused of that day were not bad - however by that time I should have left that environment and I didn't. I realized that I know enough about myself now and am seeing that I am putting myself first and therefore would never be in that position again. Would never allow it. (never say never?). Anyways, I know this posting is long but I thank you for listening.
Here's to getting back into a space that I so used to enjoy! Wish me luck willya?
So the kitchen is a big one. The house in general is but the kitchen has been a horror to work in. By noticing these noises I make, which I didn't realized until my SO trained me to be aware of them, I have recognized that I am worse when at the sink, looking in the fridge, and near the stove. So what I do in order to function in the kitchen is when I notice the noises I leave the kitchen, recover and then go right back in again. I have been sensitive to the kitchen for years now but finally have a 'cue' that I can follow to see perhaps what the problem is.
So yesterday I was cutting up veggies for salad. I was nowhere near either of the three hotspots in the kitchen but instead at the island chopping on a chopping board. I rarely use a knife and he makes fun of me for that as I use a mandolin which he calls the tool of death. For some reason yesterday I picked up a knife and didn't even notice. I started cutting the food (I am not a cutter in a self harm way btw), and WHAM. I saw it. I felt it. Clearly and precisely.
I remembered the event before, but seriously never put it together with why I avoided knives. Not once. Go figure! But now there it was, all laid out in front of me, the series of events. I had to put the knife down and walk away. I walked outside and sat and my brain was literally overloading - replaying the whole event - how it affected me before and how it is affecting me now. Like a room full of dominoes clicking and clacking. It makes so much sense now. I recognized why the fridge was a huge deal, the stove, the lights above the sink area. It makes so much sense.
Now I seem to be able to go into the kitchen without reacting. The fridge is still a problem so I guess that will come with time. I remember why the fridge should bother me - but I haven't 'felt' it the way I did with the knife. I guess I learned that it is the merging of the memory and the emotion and coming to resolution with the two. I sat with my SO after I had processed and we talked about what part I played in it all. The actions I was being accused of that day were not bad - however by that time I should have left that environment and I didn't. I realized that I know enough about myself now and am seeing that I am putting myself first and therefore would never be in that position again. Would never allow it. (never say never?). Anyways, I know this posting is long but I thank you for listening.
Here's to getting back into a space that I so used to enjoy! Wish me luck willya?
