Breaking Negative Loop

[sunshineontheway]

Sunshine, thanks for showing much understanding. I like your posts and appreciate it much. :)

Well, you're welcomed. If it helps, I would be very happy. I come from China. Entrance pressure is very big here due to inflexible educational system and severe entrance competition.

For many underclass, they have very few access to change their destiny and one of these available access is through crowded into the university. When I was small, my family condition is very poor and I need to change my destiny through various examination and entrance to good higher school, which could promise my entrance to a good university. My family just support me through the way of doing all the work for me which should have been done by myself and they confined me in my study, reading books, swirling in various difficult exercises. I really became an excellent student but a social dwarf. That creates the potential of trauma in my latter life.

It's very lucky for you not to become a bookworm and not lose your mind. In China, under the background of severe entrance competition and high expectation of parents, certain proportion of kids are still repeating on the same track with me, though harmful to their growth.

In my country, therapy of PTSD is backward and lack of necessary attention and resources. As a 14-year sufferer, I know how hard it is to struggle with it. I do hope more and more people can walk out of it. Though life to me is still a little difficult at present, but I would keep going on and never give up.

I also found the books posted in book column in this forum very good, maybe you could refer to them also. I have a feeling that once you find the suitable way, PTSD can be cureable.

 

[Tanishq]

My family just support me through the way of doing all the work for me which should have been done by myself and they confined me in my study, reading books, swirling in various difficult exercises. I really became an excellent student but a social dwarf. That creates the potential of trauma in my latter life.

I have trauma generalized by this kind of behavior from my parents. They would tell me, don't worry about any other things. Focus on your books, do as I say and don't do any other thing. Just keep reading books. I used to feel I am pleasing them. I am following their trails. I am following and going to do something they could never do in their life. I never felt easiness with them. It was all about them regardless my feelings. I got angry much and used to lost my temper.

If I tell them I have this certain idea and it's brainstorming. They wouldn't encourage me to follow it and they would say it is rubbish idea. Don't follow it. I now understand, why they are so backward in their life and overall of their life. They have never tried new ideas, never thought of receiving new thing. They never thought that if they apply new things, change their attitude. They would be seeing many new things in their life. They have always projected their issues on me.

Though I carried meeting other people. Talking with them, try to be creative with them. I would talk about less study and more about fun and going ahead in my life. I used to this kind of people who were truly reach in their life and luckily I am still in contact with them. Though sometimes I get too worried with them.

I also found the books posted in book column in this forum very good, maybe you could refer to them also. I have a feeling that once you find the suitable way, PTSD can be cureable.

Thank you. Yes, I look at that forum. I fall in much confusion. what to do in that section? :D

 

[sunshineontheway]

Hey Jaret, it seems that you're quite active & energetic. Where are you from? I guess America or so?

I think you're the person who would has his own idea and never obey to others blindly. That's quite good, isn't it. My parents are similar to some of the character you refered to, like inflexible, don't like changes, don't like to try new things, backward compared to their peer group...

Parents love kids, it is nature. But many parents don't know how to love their child correctly. As a sentence said: All career needs professional qualification except being parents. No guideline would tell how to be good parents and parents need not to be qualified before becoming one's parents. That's why parents make mistake. It's good you find their wrong living style and wrong belief, you just don't follow these wrong points and decrease their harmful effect on you, that's ok. As to study, just apply your own way, as long as it's effective and comfortable on you, no matter reading 1 hour or half an hour, it's quite ok.

 

[sunshineontheway]

Moreover, if you think your parents unbearable (I don't know how old are you ), maybe moving out to live independly by yourself is not a bad choice. Moreover, as I am not quite clear about the education system and job market in your country, I would not have much advice over it.

Though PTSD, as an stress disorder, has similarity, yet for different people, as their experience is unique and different from others. So for direction or path leading to your healing, I just can recommend some of my workable ways, but you need to generate your own idea and ways to your unique situation. In my opinion, this thread exemplify the general workable direction & ways towards PTSD therapy. I myself strongly recommend the ways that it introduced. As I cannot post any address, please read thread name: What does processing trauma really mean (It's among several top threads in Therapy column, posted by maddog)

 

[Tanishq]

Hi Sunshineontheway,

I am not from America. I am also from Asian countries.

My parents sounds they never tried to understand what is love. They think love is all about having power. They lack understanding. If they have tried to listen me I think they probably would have understood love thing. When there is no love, your hands mayn't spread to help others. In the end, family counts a lot. Yes, You're right about putting family thing is no match with professional things. My parents did make many mistakes.

I will able to move out after my post graduation with job. So I don't have to run into more tense situation. This is why I will have to stay at home for more 2 years. Definitely once I am out of this place, Life will be more bearable.

Thanks for your insight. You have been helpful here and I appreciate it much. Ok, I will check out maddog's thread. :)

 

[sunshineontheway]

I am not from America. I am also from Asian countries.

It's so nice to meet you here , we're from the same region!! I guess many Asian country has similar problems regarding parent-child relationship & entrance pressure. In Asian country, parent's power has become too overwhelmed. At the moment, it's very important for you to take care of yourself and find the best way to cure PTSD. Because life after university would be more complicated, involving love, marriage, career and other various stuff; all these needs a healthy and strong mind and body.

All the best for you on the way of healing, for any question I could help, pls don't hesitate to ask.....

 

[Tanishq]

parent's power has become too overwhelmed.

Too right sunshine.
There used to be some sayings. Parents are god like because they give birth to new life. Now this doesn't mean you own everything. People needs to awake and spread awareness to stop this madness. It's getting very annoying.

There's already various kinds of pressure on children, then you have to deal with this hard parenting with no attitude. That can do some serious damage to anyone's mentality.

pls don't hesitate to ask

Thank you for much welcome. Sure, I will ask.

Of course, it's very nice to meet in same region and we can relate to many things. Keep in touch :D

 

[sunshineontheway]

Jaret , I can't agree with you more on this . But civilization determinds everything . Many asian country hasn't come to such a high-level civilization , it's not easy for people to accept this reasonable concept towards relationship. In my country ,it is surprisingly the same that ===Parents are god like because they give birth to new life. No matter what they have done to you and ask you to do , they just want you to be good . The elder would always persuade the younger to listen to what their parents ask them to do because the quantity of bridges they crossed over is more than that of roads you walked through (It's a comparison in China, means parents have much more experience than their kids) , moreover , the KongZi culturedominates chinese culture for hundreds of years , which proposes younger should obey to elder , kids should obey to parents , wife should obey to husband and their family group, subordinate should obey to boss.........Totoally irrational idea..

 

[sunshineontheway]

There's already various kinds of pressure on children, then you have to deal with this hard parenting with no attitude. That can do some serious damage to anyone's mentality.


Yes ,for example , marriage , many parents in Asia like to interfere in kid's marriage .... Though Asia has much historical wisdom , but some culture is inflexible and backward.....Yes ,very annoying.... At parent-kid relationship , I quite admire the concept of western country , kids there has more freedom.....

Yes , it's so nice that we have background not far from each other , I think we may have more things to share and coummunicate on same platform in future !!!:hug:

 

[Tanishq]

I meant parents are forcing their children to obey them blindly. Well this is not fair. My parents threatened me once that if I don't obey them then I will be punished by god one day. I shouldn't make them unhappy. I don't know what makes them happy. If I ask them, it is that way. My parents want me to follow and obey the blindly. My heart says no every time.

I understand, everyone deserves to be supported including my parents. But forcing me to support them with threats never sounded good to me. When I was kid, I used to think I will support my parents no matter what. I did, I followed their conditions. I never got happy with them, they always kept keeping conditions between us. I would always fall short to please them. Now I think, I need not to be with them. They have chosen to live self centered and conditional life which doesn't make sense to me at all.

Sunshine, I understand what you are saying. If I making a mistake in understanding some cultural things, please do tell me. :)

 

[sunshineontheway]

I understand, everyone deserves to be supported including my parents. But forcing me to support them with threats never sounded good to me. When I was kid, I used to think I will support my parents no matter what. I did, I followed their conditions. I never got happy with them, they always kept keeping conditions between us. I would always fall short to please them. Now I think, I need not to be with them. They have chosen to live self centered and conditional life which doesn't make sense to me at all.

Sunshine, I understand what you are saying. If I making a mistake in understanding some cultural things, please do tell me.

Jaret , I can tell you that my parents threaten me not to marry a man from other province , because they think that he's not rich..... What's even worse , my mom used to commit suicide because she was told that she has incurable illness ,which would need a big sum of money and would make our family into debt . So she commit suicide in order not to lay the burden to our family ， but ended up unsuccessful . Moreover, after check again , it's found that my mom don't have incureable illness , all is misdiagnose . Though this event has passed for 8 yeas , but due to this , I am always afraid my mom would do similar thing if I don't compromise to her on marriage issue. This really preplex me much.... I think once problem got into deadlock and hasn't any room for negotiation , I would choose to run away with the man I love , far from my hometown ..... Well , would you have any idear or advice on this issue ? Sorry ,it seems this topic too heavy, if it makes you uncomfortable , you could ignore it , I can understand ......

 

[sunshineontheway]

Sunshine, I understand what you are saying. If I making a mistake in understanding some cultural things, please do tell me.

It's so great you could understand what I said ..... I would tell you for any misunderstand.....You too! It's also very good for us to change our idears from different culture background ;)