Breaking Point

[Perth girl]

I don't know how much more I can handle... I have always put on a mask and pretended that I'm fine, so most people have no idea how much I'm hurting, and most of thos that I have discussed my feelings with, with the exception of my therapist have dismissed my feelings and told me to get over it...

I have been invalidated for quite some time and had been diagnosed with depression before PTSD, and now the anxiety combined with the depression has sent me into a spiral...

I am scared of the person I have become and that I may not get back out of this whole that I've gotten myself into... I started on cymbalta about a month ago and have recently had suicidal thoughts. The only thing stopping me is the thoughts of what if it doesn't work... what if I survive then I have to explain myself... and be judged once again...

I just want to feel normal again! I want these tears to stop.... I can't handle this hurt anymore... I just want it to go away!

 

[Abbi]

Well I am sorry you are having a terrible time. It does hurt. It is real and if you continue to do hard work, it may get worse but it does get better.

It is a shame, but from these forums I think perhaps a majority of folks deal with the "just get over it" message. They have never walked a mile in your shoes so to speak, so disregard the opinion for what its worth...which is not :poop:.

Keep posting, keep your self care up, do something soothing...find that special song that lifts you and play it over and over, go for a walk, do something.

Let your therapist know HONESTLY how you are feeling.

And what's normal!

 

[mamachick]

Perth girl please tell your therapist how you are feeling. Anti-depressants can be a life safer but not all work for all people. I was on one that made me feel worse and my doctor increased it and I got worse again. I changed and I got better. It can help to journal and that way you can be specific in sharing with your therapist if there is anything triggering it, if its bad at a certain point in the day, if it is increasingly getting worse or better, etc.

Its a temporary situation. Anxiety and depression can send anybody spiraling and others have felt just as you, I know I did, but even though I still struggle it has gotten better. My sense of humor is what saves me but I lost it during my darkest times. Abbi is right, keep posting and be nice to yourself and most of all, be honest with your therapist.

 

[Reclusive]

Suicidal thoughts are often a side-effect of anti-depressants, so if they're just showing up now, call your doctor immediately and let them know - you may need to switch meds.

And that fear of screwing up suicide - that's what's always stopped me. But now I have cats that need me.

 

[ronin47]

I'll be honest with you Perth, I tried to kill myself once and was unsuccessfull. That is not a scenario you want to live out. I've never been so humiliated in my life. Take my word for it, it's not worth it.

I too had to go through a long period of invalidation. For my whole life until I was 19 my feelings were either trivial, incorrect (though now I know there's no such thing as a 'wrong' feeling), or brushed off as something they were not. In middle school when I went to the school counselor and said I was crying every single day for tiny reasons, her response was, "Have you gotten your period yet?" When I was 18 I met with a psychaitrist who talked with me for all of maybe 20 minutes before diagnosing me with social anxiety disorder, depression, and impulse control disorder, all of which I now know were symptoms rather than problems. He perscribed me medications that were only minorly helpful and made me feel like I was being smothered with a mental pillow. Thanks be to God I finally found a community of mental health professionals who actually listened to me instead of themselves. I held on for all those 19 years, and I can confidently say that it was worth it. I'm happier now than I ever thought was possible.

Communicate with your therapist. He/she understands and will not feed you the "get over it" line. If you're having difficulty, ask for help. That seems like such a simple idea but it's one I'm just now really beginning to learn. If you're facing a bad situation or some kind of hardship that you can't cope with yourself, talk to people. It's hard for us trauma survivors because when faced with stress we often are inclined to turn inward rather than outward. Tell your therapist how you're feeling. It's not unlikely that this medication is not right for you and may even be making things worse. That happens more often than you might think. I was doing great on 100 mg of Zoloft for a while but then I started to experience dramatic mood swings. I would walk into a class feeling okay and walk out feeling suicidal. I reached out to my therapist and my psychaitrist though and they both responded by taking my hand and giving me ways to pull myself out of that funk. My doctor increased the dosage because, as he explained, what was probably happening was that my body basically developed a tolerance (for lack of a better word) for the medication and the lifting effect it had on my mood had started to taper off. The "okay" feelings were the times when the medication was still at work, and the sudden drops in mood was the result of the diminishing effect.

I hope that helps. You can get through this.

 

[Perth girl]

Thanks for all your support guys!

It helps to know that what I'm going through isn't totally crazy...

I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through ronin47, but I'm glad that you are still with us. But that is my biggest fear that it wouldn't work...I guess that's the only thing really stopping me...

I have spoken to my therapist, but she sometimes thinks I'm exaggerating things because what I say I'm feeling and how I appear are two totally different things... I'm finding things really hard because I have always been a "black and white" thinker... if you have a problem you find a way to fix it... which is what I want to do with the way I feel, find a way to fix it, and feel better, but I know it doesn't work like that and then I get more frustrated...

 

[ronin47]

Oh trust me, you're not the only trauma survivor who's set out to find a magic pill that will cure all their ills. I was one of them for a little while. I thought if I could just find that one thing that would make the lightbulb turn on everything would be fine. The best thing you can do is to try to take "should" out of your vocabulary. It takes practice, but it's a good habit to break.

What makes you think your therapist believes you are exaggerating?

 

[Perth girl]

I read part of the e-mail the psych wrote to the doctor, which said that it's really hard to judge how I'm doing because what say doesn't really add up with my work on my treatment etc... not in those words but along those lines....

 

[Mr. Smith]

I have always put on a mask and pretended that I'm fine, so most people have no idea how much I'm hurting

I am good at doing this Perth girl, so much so that people sometimes don't believe me when I tell them what I have. I have one good friend that will always be with me and I can talk openly and honestly to her and her me. When you are feeling down I always talk to someone or try to make someone elses day better. I use humor a lot! I am kinda like "Patch Adams" (movie) wanting to end it all but then finding out I can do so much good by helping others. I try to live for others, there is a couple people I live for in my life and I don't know where I would be without them and like they told me, they don't know where they would be without me....
"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~Winston Churchill