Relationship Breathing Through Pulling Back

[PatientFaith]

There are reasons why I like to avoid social media typically, and today I remembered one of them. Friending and unfriending. I am reminding myself right now that I am a trigger that is causing my Vet distress, and that is likely the cause. I have posted a couple things over the last couple days that amused me, and my thought it's that seeing them caused him distress. But I don't know and I'm certainly not going to ask. He is coping how he needs to. Our pictures and memories are there for now, but I'm going to make it a point to not look and verify their presence any time in the near future.

I know that he is hurting right now, and withdrawing. I cant say what me popping up on his feed made him think or feel, but I know that I can't take it personally. He is coping how he needs to right now. I love him regardless. But I can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt. I am holding tight to the words that he spoke to me, and knowing that he wants us to work, but can't right now. I need to allow him to work through his pain however he needs to and to be steady no matter where this road leads us. We are both better for knowing each other and being in each other's lives. And I'm not giving up by any means. This is a bump on the road of life - even if it's a big bump right now. He is running, though he didn't want to. And of course I'm hurt too right now, but I'm not that fragile. I have to remember to live my life and just keep moving forward. As much as this sucks for me, it is likely way worse for him. I know this journey isn't easy. And I know it's not personal. We are all different and can't speak for each other. But ouch.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I have personally unfollowed my ExSO, I did when she was still my SO. It will only trigger memories or place them in your mind, so it's much safer to just put up barriers if you can, for both of you. I know yesterday my ExSO read my statuses I put about how much I hated 2017 and everything that was happening (it was vague enough to ensure nobody knew it involved her still), I can only assume that didn't do her mood any favours.

Putting these things away whilst both heal is very helpful.

 

[PatientFaith]

That's what I guessing happened. While he is on so little that I wouldn't really ever see anything, I think my presence became too much.

And 2017 has been a whopper so far, hasn't it @TheMinsterman? But I'm determined to remain positive - it will all be ok in the end. We just can't see that end yet, which makes it very challenging.

 

[PatientFaith]

The more I process this and am able to step back, the more my heart goes out to him. I can't imagine how he's feeling right now. And as much as it hurts me, I know he is hurting worse. I wish I could help, but I know this is a process and it's not easy. I can't love him back to himself, only he can find that route. But moments like this where I'm sitting, watching the game, and eating our favorite game and movie watching snack of popcorn, make my head and heart hurt for both of us. I wish that I could help more than anything right now, but I recognize that would probably be counterproductive to his, well, everything right now.

This is not easy for anyone, but I know that he is worth the wait, should he choose to come around. He has given me no real reason to think he won't and so many to think that he will!

Patience and faith. The things I will need in my life and my current lessons. Thought I had both of them, but I guess I have some room to grow! ;) Hugs to everyone going through this right now on either end. You're strong and you will make it.

 

[Mon15]

I know how you feel... I hate social media and how it runs most of our lives! Mine too deleted me as a friend and it hurts more than anything. After 12 days of no contact what so ever, I sent a brief message. It was nothing that would require a response, but to basically tell him that I hoped he was doing ok, gave my surgery date and let him know that I missed and loved him. I don't expect a reply, but it was something I felt he needed to be aware of although it's probably not the best timing with the stress overflow, triggers, etc.. I miss not being able to talk, hold or console to my best friend, but I have to respect his wishes and take care of myself in the meantime.

 

[PatientFaith]

I miss my best friend too, @Mon15. I hope your surgery goes well...I'm sure he will be keeping you in his thoughts, even if he doesn't say anything. hugs to you :hug:

 

[Mon15]

I miss my best friend too, @Mon15. I hope your surgery goes well...I'm sure he...

Thank you @PatientFaith! I know he will and I'm sure it's another stress added to his cup that he can't deal with right now. It just hurts knowing that he possibly won't be around for it or to help support me though it, but I will be ok!

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Dear @PatientFaith .. first of all, I love the name you've chosen! Very fitting!

I have been with my husband a total of 10 years (we were just married last year) starting as friends first. We have had a rough road, and I don't have any "expectations" that there won't be plenty of bumps as we continue - but I CAN tell you that the isolating has become less and less lengthy each time, my husband is far better now about how he works through his own issues, he's far better about TRUSTING me through them, in part because I have just honestly been there for him every time he's come back, WE are far better about working through potential triggers and avoiding them, and the triggers we can't avoid but can anticipate we work out a plan TOGETHER as to how to navigate, etc. AND my husband PRAYS a lot more - WANTS to pray more, and is finding that as he does so, he gets more peace. And it has increased BOTH of our "faith" .. AND our "patience" ;)

As you said in another thread, YES he is worth it. Every bit. And those areas where my heart so aches to help him through stuff that only HE can "carry" himself? I pray him through those times, too, and that gives ME better faith to just "let go" and trust his heart, and trust the God who made us and is restoring us. :inlove:

*HUGS* if you accept!
~WU

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

PS - the BIGGEST thing that gave my husband peace in coming BACK to me in our early years? HIS peace was directly proportional to his confidence that I had my own life, I had my own support system (he didn't have to be my "everything" cuz that was too much pressure and he was always just afraid of "dropping" me or breaking/warping me), even had my own house, so we each had our own place to "retreat" to when solitude was genuinely warranted, etc. The stronger I am ON MY OWN, the easier it is for him to be strong for himself AND for me. I don't know if that touches you at all, but I know MY confidence is one of my husband's greatest rescues - so when I am very WEAK in this area? I work on ME, and in so doing, love and support him better and better each year we walk together ;) :inlove:

 

[Never_falter2]

The things you say are so loving. Hugs.

 

[PatientFaith]

PS - the BIGGEST thing that gave my husband peace in coming BACK to me in our early years? H...

Hi WU!

First, congratulations on your wedding! Secondly, I don't have the words to tell you just how much your words really touched me and helped me. It gives me a lot of hope and confidence that you two were able to find ways together to work through your bumps and triggers. My Vet has just begun to get involved with the church again - he is trying to re-establish his spirituality. I've always been a spiritual, though not necessarily religious, woman. But I do keep him in my highest thoughts all the time, and I know he is working on that himself. He is quite tenacious when he gets something in his sights, so I have no doubts that he is working on healing his wounds right now and reconnecting with himself.

And thank you for that advice! That definitely touched me, and is actually something he alluded to when we first had a hiccup right after New Years - he said that the way I just accepted what he had to say and allowed him a day to come around without any anger or being upset really helped. So, I've been holding to that. I know that when he came around I tried to give space, but neither of use knew how to proceed and he was still feeling overwhelmed, so more space for him was necessary. He echoed the same concerns that your husband had (and a few more self-demeaning ones mixed it, too). We both have our own places, which is good! I've been keeping my normal routine and concentrating on me. And it makes me smile that he's been able to see some of it when we cross paths at the gym - it happened again yesterday and he even initiated some of the conversations this time...and picked the spot next to me. I've never wavered in front of him since we took a step back, or even that night, and I won't stray now! He knows my door is open for him. I'm just going to keep doing me and let him do him, and we will see what the universe has in store. I truly believe, agree with him, and know that we would have crashed one day in the future if he didn't take the time to do this work on himself. So I have to have faith in that process. Even if I'm impatient, I have to hold on to that patient faith ;) because I don't know how long it will take and I can't control it at all.

And you nailed it "and those areas where my heart so aches to help him through stuff that only HE can "carry" himself? I pray him through those times, too, and that gives ME better faith to just "let go" and trust his heart, and trust the God who made us and is restoring us," that is exactly what I needed to read today. Just let go and trust. You are awesome, thank you! And I totally accept hugs! :hug: Mind if I borrow that some of that confidence and steady faith on the days where this gets harder?

 

[PatientFaith]

Thank you @PatientFaith! I know he will and I'm sure it's another stress added to his...

Yes you will!! You are strong