Relationship Broken Hearted And Helpless

[Abandoned]

I've basically given up. I actually talked to him on the phone on Monday, and told him how I supported him, did the research... The like and he was solo receptive and appreciative. But...... Nothing was gonna come out of it.

He's gone, and not coming back. So, let all be strong for each other and get through this together. They are NOT healthy, and if they aren't getting help and wanting to do it, you might as well leave.

We all deserve to be loved. LOVED and treated very well. We can't make them something they're not, and we can't make them come back...

I'm looking in the mirror while typing this, but trust me when I say that they are NOT thinking of us first. They are not concerned about us. They have no emotion towards us, and cannot fulfill our emotional needs.

I've been saying that I'd rather be unhappy with him, than unhappy without him. But, why be unhappy at all?

Lets stick together and know that we're great women that deserve the world. And, they can't and won't give it to us.

 

[amazed]

I think you're right Kari. This is my first time writing in this forum as I've used it recently to learn a lot and find comfort for reasons very similar to what you're going through. I was dating a guy for seven months and had a very similar break up for very similar reason.

I thought if I could understand PTSD, and what he is going through, then it would be enough. I have come to the same conclusion as you and realize that there's nothing else I can do. I've tried for about a month and a half and nothing I do is received in the way it is intended. The last time there was mean backlash- which I'm not willing to put up with.

We do deserve to be loved. I think it says a lot that you did so much research and reached out to people here in order to better understand him. It says a lot about what you're willing to give. I feel like I did the same and it's painful to think that you're willing to give so much but not allowed to do it. Or given the opportunity to try. But I think we both tried and shouldn't have any regret about that.

That's one comfort that I'm finding. If I had just accepted what he told me right away I would have a lot of regrets. I did my best. And now I can try to move on because I know that I did try. Because at the time it was worth it. But now it's not. As hard as it is to realize, it's just not worth it anymore. But I wish him the best and I think I'll be ok.

 

[nursenurse]

Part of understanding PTSD is knowing when to let go. How we all want to believe that love will conquer all. One of my Ma's favourite sayings was "Love flies out the window when the bills start piling up at the door."

A sufferer has to want to help him/herself, and no amount of outside love will make them do it. They have to want to do it, to want to learn some self love, and come to the conclusion they are important themselves. For some, it means the loss of what was perceived by the other to be a significant relationship. It is not about us supporters not being good enough, that I have learned.

I can only speak as an expert on my own situation, because from reading these forums, everyone is different, one strategy that works for one may not work for another. What I can tell you, and what I have been told and continue to do for myself, is to keep living. Even when your heart is breaking.

For those electing to work on things, keep your own life as normal as you can. Go to work. Go out with the girls. Travel if you like. Do things for you. You are all worthy of good things, and of happiness. You do not want a lifetime of being unhappy with someone (vs being unhappy without him). What you cut yourself off from is the opportunity to love again, to find where you are truly meant to be in life. Some of us may work it out with our sufferers, others won't. Strive to find the wisdom to know the difference. That is how I am approaching my relationship.

And you will all be okay.

 

[discarded]

After many years of struggling with my sufferer and all of us being miserable, I reached crisis point myself and left him. 7 months on and I am finally accepting the end to our 28 year marriage and sorting myself out. For too long I focused on fixing him and forgot about me. I can't yet say that I am happy but I am getting there. He is self medicating with alcohol and claims he has accepted life for what it is and is better off alone.

All of us have a breaking point and I would hope for each and every supporter out there that they do not have to reach theirs, that they have enough incite to know when enough is enough and take care of themselves and make the decision to end the relationship or tough it out with heaps of support and care for themselves. The hardest part for me was accepting that love was not enough for him to want to get help, that I was not enough, then realising that it isn't about me but about him. I gave it my best shot and now I have to do the same for me. I am worth it and so are all of you.

 

[nursenurse]

You are an amazing woman, Discarded. I like to think of you as "Reborn" as that what happens when a long standing marriage dissolves. Mine went after 21 years (not PTSD related). You can become a dust bunny, or you can live. Five years later, I am incredibly happy, even since meeting my Sufferer, lol. We have a ways to go, it is early on. And yes, we are all worthwhile.

 

[Abandoned]

Hi amazed. I think we might be the same person going through the exact same thing.

I was always giving, and giving, and giving. And even after a broken heart, all I want is to continue to try to be there in a way of completely leaving him alone. So weird to say, but so true. It's now been two complete weeks, and I'm still not feeling great, but after really trying to talk to him and getting the exact same backlash after I asked him about MY feelings, I just don't know what else to do.

They're so closed off, and unwilling to discuss anything at all. He told me there was absolutely no hope, and no potential for us to get back together, but honestly, with him being so closed off, how could we ever have an honest and open relationship?

It's soooo hard to let go, especially because you were in love one day, and the next, you're abandoned.

 

[aerolock1969]

Wow, I am so impressed by every supporter on this thread:)! Such great advice coming from all. I have not been on the forum in a few weeks but just caught up now. Angel I hope you are doing ok. If you need someone to talk to who has been through this and has successfully come out the other end so to inspire you, please know you can call and talk to me.

My sufferer and I broke up a year ago and let me say the past year has been agonizing because I missed him so much, BUT I'm happy to say I am FINALLY back to myself again! One of the reasons I havent been on this forum is because the pain of dealing with my sufferer is finally over. I log in now simply to help those who are now suffering as I did for so long. I have so much compassion for you all and have learned that only people who have been through this understand it. my friends and family never understood although they did try to support me.

For me it was worth all the pain of breaking up because it was required in order for me to live happily again. While in the relationship, My doctors and others would say make sure to keep your own life and take care of yourself first. Well in my case I was no longer able to love him and take of myself too. He destroyed me and its taken a year just to feel normal again.

Once I got through the first few months apart, every time he and I would try to get back together, something inside me would not let me. I think it was my survival mode kicking in. I am typically a strong woman but this relationship left me powerless. I loved him so much and wanted to help him, and he played the perfect victim to keep me sucked in. I got to a point where I couldn't leave but couldn't stay, talk about a crazy situation! Someone wrote above about being unhappy with him versus unhappy without him. I am a true test that you don't have to be unhappy w/out him...you will eventually heal and find someone new and who treats you wonderfully. I just met someone and he actually thinks about me and my needs, wants, emotions...such a pleasant change! :giggle:

I don't know if I will ever be able to love again as deeply as I loved my sufferer due to the severity of the emotional torment I experienced. But I'm off to a new start, so please know if you are in the initial phase of the breakup...you WILL be ok...it is just a temporary pain. You can choose to endure that temporary pain in order to be happy with someone else in the future, or you can stay and know that you will be unhappy. It is not an easy thing to decide, I am here to support the supporters no matter what.

Aerolock

 

[Dallas]

magical

...no relationship is "magical". ALL relationships take lots of work, lots of effort. When your own well run dry, it is essential to have access to God's never-ending well of the water of life. You have to have an external source to supply your needs and refresh you. You can't rely on your partner to do that, or you will both drown.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Livy's Mom]

But I'm off to a new start, so please know if you are in the initial phase of the breakup...you WILL be ok...it is just a temporary pain. You can choose to endure that temporary pain in order to be happy with someone else in the future, or you can stay and know that you will be unhappy. It is not an easy thing to decide, I am here to support the supporters no matter what.

I started to cry when I read this. I'm at the beginning and I'm putting one foot in front of the other slowly. I keep thinking one morning I will wake up and say "hey I'm ok". I look forward to that day but there is a reluctance to want that at the same time because I still love him so much. I have guilt for letting go.

I worry I won't find love again. I worry that he will. I know both of those things seem silly. I'm all around scared to do what you have done but you have given me hope that it's going to be ok. I want to skip ahead a year just to see a sneak peak of what my "ok" looks like. Wouldn't that be nice?

 

[aerolock1969]

Livys mom...you are so sweet. I know, I truly do, that the breakup is the hardest thing on earth. Honestly if I had to compare I would say its as painful as open heart surgery without anesthesia! I would not want to relive the past 2 yrs of my life again. I'm so overjoyed now to have the best of both worlds...free from the roller coaster of PTSD and also starting to open up and date a new person. It's been an amazing journey and I feel no guilt because I did everything possible for my sufferer, but he was not helpable. It took me sooooo long to realize that! I was sure he would snap out of it, never did.

I will always miss my sufferer because I loved him very deeply, and when things were good we truly were best friends. But sadly he would also turn into my worst enemy on a whim, and after 4 yrs of this cycle, I was completely lost. I would hear coworkers at work laughing or really focused on a project, etc, and I remember reaching a point of feeling so alien i couldn't even remember what it was like to Laugh or focus on work. To this day, I don't know how I maintained my career through it all.

Like you Livy, I also feared never finding love again. These are normal thoughts that run through our heads, don't let them cloud your judgement because you know you WILL find love again. It took me a year before I could even imagine dating/kissing another man. But now I've finally healed and the new guy in my life spoils me in a good way, offers to take care of me and Truly focuses on my desires in life. Ex: i told him i could use a vacation...so He wants to take me to Paris for a week. If i had asked my sufferer to go on vacation we would have to fight like crazy because he didnt want to leave home, or his beer. For me Paris sure beats sitting on the couch every night watching my sufferer drown himself in beer and then pass out to sleeping pills that the VA gave Him. Looking back that was really no quality of life for me. He liked it because I was there for him to care for him and watch him drink his beer and live in "his world" but that was not a quality of life for me.

We all have our different breaking points. I remember I had to wind up seeing a therapist to help me break up with my sufferer, and she said something that at the time I hated and didn't believe, but now a year later I say Amen to that. Remember in my case the final blow was him cheating and the girl called me to tell me. Well my therapist said "you may not realize it right now in the midst of your pain, but someday you may thank that girl for calling you". So although your case is most likely different, the advise is the same. You might be glad one day to have the rollercoaster out of your life.

I'm here to support you no matter if you decide to stay or leave. ;)