But the world is a dangerous place

[ILoveLife]

Yeah, exposure works.
My fear still exists but at least it's no longer complete panic.
Bright side.

 

[TTC18]

What matters most is that you have survived and are safe and you are able to access resources and support as you heal and go forward in life.

Yes, safe for now, thanks. I see what you mean -I think the issue is that this is one of the things that make people cringe. When it's not happening to them, most people don't want to think about it/look at it/know about it.

I carry pepper spray and a whistle to make my loved ones feel safe.

I read this, and thought: OH! Pepper Spray!!! That's a GREAT IDEA!!!! LOL. Thank you.

Unless something actually warrants it. Like ... stepping on a soapy slick surface. At which point? I modify my actions.

My issue is I'm not dealing with something that is static, like a broken arm or a slippery floor. When you bring other humans - who could do *anything* into it, all bets are off. When I lived with him, I tried to modify my actions to prevent myself from falling on that soapy floor. But when someone's nuts, that doesn't work. There are no predictable responses. The only way I can modify my actions to avoid the worst possible consequences is to remove myself from the environment. i/e run away. And when I can't run away, I panic. I'm not saying panic is productive, I'm just saying it's how I'm responding. Because I have no control over other people squirting soap on the floor in front of me. All I can do is try to avoid people like that - and when I can't, I get upset/stressed/panicky.

 

[shimmerz]

I tried to modify my actions to prevent myself from falling on that soapy floor. But when someone's nuts, that doesn't work.

I think most of us with early childhood trauma anyway, are like this by nature. And I have been stalked and harassed as well. Years ago and I still have panic attacks when I leave one location to go to another.

I am trying to figure out how to get my body to cool down a bit and stop this wiring to avoiding life because of this past abuse. And I am realizing that when someone's nuts and has been chasing you for however long enough that it effects the core of you, that we end up carrying that 'nuts' with us (just by nature of the twisting, turning, avoiding that we do to be invisible-ish). It's like a freaking virus that someone gave me.

Only way out is to stare it down. Still working on exposure like things to help me get out of this gilded cage as far as I can see. Still working on it. My life has improved some (I no longer try to hide my face in the car but still can't walk more than 2 blocks). I am working on swimming as well. I want my f*cking life back.

Best of luck in you getting yours back too. :hug:

 

[TTC18]

Only way out is to stare it down.

I realize that exposure works for some people.. I don't think it works for me. I have fought the impulse to run for literally years at a stretch before, until I finally gave up and ran. Ongoing exposure didn't work for me, it just made me worse. I'm *only* happy and peaceful when I feel safe - and I only feel safe when I feel pretty confident that my stalker hasn't found me yet. It's like that corny Julia Roberts movie - sleeping with the enemy. She's all happy in her new life - and then she opens the cabinets and all the cans are perfect, and she's screaming her brains out. I can so identify with that. So many times, I'm all happy in my new life, and then one day I get the 'I found you, haha aren't I clever?' taunting phone call, and I am all flipped out again. And I only feel safe when I've run away to a new place where I can have a new life. And yes, this is a cycle that will continue until someday he gets bored with all this BS. And yes, he gets to live rent-free in my head, and blah blah blah. But if my choice is running and being happy vs. staying and being miserable just so I can 'feel powerful' well, Bleep that Bleep because I could care less about 'power' if being powerless means being free and happy and peaceful at least MOST OF THE TIME. When I try to stay, I am miserable all the time. When I run, I'm happy - until he finds me again. Why should I not choose happiness if that's what works for me?
I'm sorry if this comes off as defensive - I just think staring it down only works in some situations, particularly when the stressor is past, or if it's not likely to happen again, or just a one-off kind of thing.
If I were being stalked by a lion, no one would be like, 'don't show that lion you're afraid - just stay where you are.' they'd be like 'RUN!!!' (ok, I don't know if you're supposed to run - but walk quickly, or get out of there somehow, but you don't just sit there and wait for the lion to eat you.)

 

[cherileisman]

Working on getting any kind of my life back is absolutely the hardest f*cking thing I have ever had to do to survive.

Pepper spray/bear scare goes with me everywhere, and an extensible baton with ball bearings in the head, and a couple of knives (all illegal and considered concealed weapons here) and while these don't exactly make me safe, they do even up the odds a bit.

For me, there is no coming back, who and what I was has been exterminated and what has come into this world to replace it, is not pretty.

 

[Muttly]

My friend, who has PTSD, gave me a way to phrase this tat really helped. She talked about the idea of "safe enough". No, the world isn't safe. And if you have had abusers/stalkers in your life, it can be more unsafe. But in the moment, are you safe enough? I can't wrap my brain around safe. I don't believe in it. But more and more I believe in "safe enough". Right now, as I type this, I know that the chance of anything happening to me is extremely small. I can let down my guard.

For me, there is no coming back

Ok. That doesn't mean, that you are going to remain in the same mental place you are right now. It doesn't mean that things can't get better. It will take work and time but it's achievable. So many people here have done that. You are not alone in this and there are wise people here who can share their experiences and the tools they used to build a health, safe-enough life

 

[Ronin]

I am not bothered by the world being a dangerous place, I am bothered by the safety nets not existing / failing / not restorable, being sluggish as hell, powerlessness and obstacles that do not move, and not having correct (mental) maps for it (and not finding others with correct maps either.)

So more by the people factor, than people being danger one. Not bothered by action, bothered by lacking counter action and preventative action ineffective.

 

[cherileisman]

Thank you for that @Muttly...but perhaps you mistake me - I fear no man, not a single one & I am no longer uncomfortable at all with who and what I have become, it is my new normal. I have survived and adapted and will go forward just all who make the choice to do so must. The world has never not been a dangerous place and it will always be so, the best I can do is try and make this little corner of it a better one.

 

[TTC18]

My friend, who has PTSD, gave me a way to phrase this tat really helped. She talked about the idea of "safe enough". No, the world isn't safe. And if you have had abusers/stalkers in your life, it can be more unsafe.

And that works great if stalkers are past tense. I totally get that in the past tense. Present tense, however, there is no safe enough. If everyone who wanted to hurt me got put on a spaceship to Mars, I'd be able to work out 'safe enough' - as it is, 'safe enough' is only where no one knows where I am, and I have plenty of escape routes, phone # on speed dial, safety plans, etc. And still this is only 'safe enough' that I can sleep 3 or 4 hours a night. Which is better than nothing, but not ideal.

Pepper spray/bear scare goes with me everywhere, and an extensible baton with ball bearings in the head, and a couple of knives (all illegal and considered concealed weapons here) and while these don't exactly make me safe, they do even up the odds a bit.

All good ideas - and dumb that weapons of defense are illegal.

...what I was has been exterminated and what has come into this world to replace it, is not pretty.

I don't know what you look like, but I'd say that the current you is pretty... pretty awesome/confident/tough/bada$$

 

[cherileisman]

LOL :) Thanks @tryingtocope18! It hasn't been a merry or brief cha-cha down the yellow-brick road to get where I am now but I'm going to keep rollin as best I can.
You go girl!! Don't let anyone take from you that which is not freely given, be wary of expert-prescribed dosages of thoughts and feelings and don't let anybody stop you from growing, building and achieving the "you" you want to be and the life you want to have. Be your own super hero!

 

[Friday]

When I lived with him, I tried to modify my actions to prevent myself from falling on that soapy floor. But when someone's nuts, that doesn't work.

Everything I wrote was about dealing with life post trauma.

Although this is exactly the kind of mental-mixup I’m talking about happening, just in a different way... applying normal world logic to abusive or life/death situations doesn’t work // applying abusive or life v death logic to normal situations doesn’t work. You end up with the results you have. Normalizing violence and being terrified of nothing.

I just want to be able to think again without constant panic. There's got to be a place in the middle there.

Being able to do that ^^^ requires transitioning. Instead of ALERT! being stuck “on”, it shifts.

A fire alarm is useful... if it’s not stuck ON all the time.

 

[TTC18]

Yeah - so I really need to work on finding safety first, before I start pressuring myself to move forward. I am very much anti-violence - I don't think any of this stuff is good, and want to be in a peaceful situation without anyone doing anything harmful in my direction. But in the meantime, I'm very much fire-alarm-on. But there's a fire - so yeah. I just need to stop trying to live in a burning building is all. It's not good to ignore the fire alarm, it's ringing for a reason. It's only bad that the fire alarm's ringing if there's no fire.