C-ptsd And Sexual Development

[SwordintheStone]

Hello all, this is a slightly awkward post, but I'm feeling extremely alone in this and have no one else to ask about it.

Does anyone else here who has C-Ptsd find that their experiences have completely shaped their sexuality?

To keep it short, lot of my trauma growing up involved continual humiliation at school, and a lack of social support at home. Then I started dating my first boyfriend in my early teens and he ended up raping me a few times. In these situations I tried really hard to fight back, but was ineffective. I ended up feeling massive amounts of shame each time. Now, whenever I feel very ashamed or even talk about that emotion, my body starts to go through the processes of being turned on, but against my will. I can't get turned on by thinking of any of the healthy things I want in a relationship one day, only by thinking of debasing things being done to me as a kid. I hate it, and I can't bring it up with my therapist because I feel like the only person who this is happening to, so how could he understand?

Does this happen to anyone else?

 

[anonymous]

Yes. And it is still part of my sexuality to this day. It has changed though, just like any person's tastes and wants. I did find that once the memory connected to the feeling, I was more able to put that experience into context, put it in the right category, ie in the trauma section and not the sexual enjoyment section.

But there is some gray area between the two.

I have a great partner who does not feel it's shameful. So, I have never felt that much shame around it. I didn't understand where it came from until much later in my life though.

Nothing is set in stone. If you truly enjoy it, then enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, you might have to replace that sexual response with something else. Or find something else that will give you that sexual response. Does that make any sense?

Good luck to you.

 

[Chava]

Does anyone else here who has Link Removed find that their experiences have completely shaped their sexuality?

Yes.

I relate to lots of what you are saying, but this is all I can say for now. I don't have any advice because I can't talk about this stuff either. Just know you aren't alone.

Welcome.

 

[garden]

Yes, being sexually abused impacted my sexuality big time. You are not alone. I encourage you to talk to someone you trust. Your T may be able to help you sort some of it out. There is a book by Staci Haines called The Survivors Guide to Sex-How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse. There are exercises in there that were amazingly helpful for me, and I feel that they can help anyone whose sexuality has been impaired by trauma, so it's not just for people who have been abused in childhood.

I avoided sex at all costs, and was fine until I tried to be in a relationship. That's when it became apparent that I needed help. Arousal was not possible until I worked through a lot of my issues. I was lucky that my partner was patient and understanding. I have only been with a few people in my life, and I've only had long term relationships. Casual sex is something that I've never been able to engage in. I envy people whose sexuality is boundless and free, and who can express themselves, and have sex with whomever, and whenever... Yes, I still sometimes wish that I could have been that free.

I have come a long way, and today I can truly say that I own my sexuality, but I am still aware that at one time I felt that my sexuality was broken and not my own due to the abuse.

 

[rightkindofme]

They say that early childhood sexual assault leads one way or another: frigidity or promiscuity. I was promiscuous. Yes, my sexuality is very shaped by my assaults.

I've been very active in the bdsm community as a way of working through a lot of my issues around sex. For many years I was obsessed with doing "rape play" and I did a lot of it with a lot of people until a scene when I was 25 that was real to my body in a way that no other scene ever had been and I fought until I injured myself and I couldn't stop it. That was super cathartic and I have been very happy to be done with "rape play" since. (Normally I don't put it in quotes because rape play is just the name of it in the community I travel in. But since it is a specific term that isn't usually used here on this forum I am doing so. I am talking about *consensual scenes between adults* with specifics negotiated in advance. I am *not* talking about additional rape experiences.)

I've had the "good fortune" (?) to have had fantastically high number of sexual partners. Most of them were very willing to deal with the fact that I had mental health issues and needed to be treated with kid gloves. By "most of them" I mean pretty much everyone I had sex with after I was 19 and I came out about my mental health problems and went on a slut-spree.

I miss my early 20's. Sigh. I'm all staid and married now.

Sex is very different now. Like, whoa a completely different beast. I feel like I keep getting born again into entirely new life experiences. Sex is weird.

And my earliest sexual assault experiences were incestuous with my father. I had a multi-year relationship with a man who was 12 years older than me that started when I was 18. I called him Daddy. Yup, I've got issues. (We are still distant friends and talk once or twice a year. He is a really good person and he helped me overcome many of my developmental issues. He worked hard to get me to stop cutting. He was really good to me even though our relationship was kinda whacked.)

 

[KwanYingirl]

I was promiscuous as a teen and into my twenties. Keep in mind it was the late 60's and 70's- the sexual revolution. I took a ton of drugs and led a crazy life. I had a blast. I hurt a very kind guy that I still regret, but besides that my boyfriend during this time put up with my wandering. I spent nearly a year bumming around Europe and had too much sex with unknowns. Ended up with genital warts and that cured my indiscriminate escapades. Came back to the states and settled down into a monogamous marriage with a great guy who devolved into a monster. Have had only one relationship after my divorce that was horribly abusive a drought with fear. I'm bored with the whole notion of true love and appropriate boundaries.

 

[Seagreen]

I've never admitted it before but this happens to me. I am really sorry that have to experience it too. Try not blame yourself or feel ashamed. It's not your fault and you didn't ask for it to happen. From what I have read it is not uncommon.

 

[falling_wave]

Yes, it effects me to. Feeling completely at the mercy of someone else really turns me on because I felt that way so much as a child. Sometimes it happens outside of sexual settings and it can make me feel pretty abnormal and ashamed. I think some aspects of being turned on my light bdsm has those roots too. Very uncomfortable to talk about but actually bringing that out in therapy really was helpful for me and she really didn't judge me and that amazed me. Being able to be open with another person for the first time about something so shameful actually helped me to be able to have sex again. Before that I had a psychological block where it felt like physically I could not. A lot of people don't talk about it but it's normal.

 

[Pencil]

Big Time problems. Definitely.

 

[Saria]

I don't have any advice, but I believe talking about it is a good (and difficult!) first step. I haven't talked about it with anyone myself, and even just writing this brings up a lot of shame. Maybe I'll be able to talk about it in therapy one day, but I'm not quite there yet. But at least know that you're not alone.

 

[crystaltear]

I've never talked about this before ever. But YES. I am messed up in this area for sure. You are not alone.

The idea of being raped by a man a lot older than me turns me on more than any healthy, positive emotions or even seeing/ being with/ imagining someone I'm really attracted to and/or care about. I was raped as a teenager, but the guy was the same age as me, which has me worried that I possibly suffered sexual abuse from an adult when I was quite young. I also have started having nightmares about being assaulted by older male family members, which causes me a great deal of shame when I wake up.

I also get randomly turned on when I am tempted by or engage in destructive behaviours such as cutting, skipping meals or holding my breath until I pass out. I luckily dont tend to struggle with these things anymore, but when I did I would be initially filled with a feeling of great power, then shame would flood me and it would make me feel physically sick.

Sorry if thats overshare, I just figured if I didnt share it now I may never have the courage again to get it off my chest.

I want to have a healthy romantic relationship one day, so breaking this link between abuse & sexual arousal would be more than ideal lol.

All the best.

 

[rightkindofme]

@crystaltear, you totally didn't overshare. Totally cool.

The thing is, rape fantasies are incredibly common even among those who have never been traumatized. I no longer feel ashamed that I have biological arousal when that arousal is a survival mechanism. That weird getting turned on by violence thing is our body's way of trying to ensure we don't get damaged if something happens.

If we later take that weird, semi-twisted survival mechanism and get off on it... who is hurt?

In my view of the world, if you have an adult partner who will negotiate carefully and respect your boundaries, there is no reason to feel shame about what gets you off. We are all weird. I've taught sexual education classes for many years. I more or less pursued a PhD in sex. Most of the big name sex educators in this country have tied me up and beaten me. (Such nice friends I have; I had to ask *very nicely*.)

It's ok to be where you are now without shame. You are who and what you are. It's ok. Yes, maybe we were shaped by our experiences. In order for that not to be true we would have to be weird and totally closed off to life. EVERYONE is impacted by their life experiences.

In my mind, if it gets you off it is ok for you to do with consenting partners. You don't need to have a certain type or quality of sex life in order to meet other peoples approval.

We are all weird. It's ok.