Relationship C-ptsd Traits Or Something Worse?

[Tyred]

I just want to ask a question to see if my sufferer is displaying traits associated with her c-ptsd, or if I am justified in how I feel. I know I'd be totally within my rights to pull her up about it if she wasn't a sufferer, I think.

I am male and my co-habiting girlfriend is constantly sending selfies to other men through Facebook Messenger. They aren't sexual in any way (as far as I am aware), but none of these men are showing up on her friends list so she's obviously keeping who she is talking to a secret.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong for feeling - I want to say jealous but I don't think that's the right word... upset, hurt, betrayed, worried that I'm just a stop-gap while she's looking for someone better - I honestly don't know but there are a range of emotions I am feeling.

When I ask her about it and why she does it, I don't get angry or upset. I try to talk to her calmly. I just want to know her point of view why she does it. The trouble is I get told I'm using "controlling behaviour" when I ask her and I'm made to suffer and feel guilty about questioning her.

Am I right for being concerned, or is she totally within her rights to do this?

I know that if it was a 'normal' relationship I was in and my partner was sending selfies to other men, I'd have every right to kick her into touch. If I got accused of trying to control her I'd possibly walk. Maybe my views and opinions are old fashioned, but they are mine and I feel they've got to be acknowledged.

Also, does anyone have experience of being branded the same way as she does her abusers, e.g. being controlling, when nothing could be further from the truth? How do you deal with that without feeling hurt?

 

[henamedmeowl]

I just want to ask a question to see if my sufferer is displaying traits associated with her c-ptsd, or i...

PTSD or not ask her about it, talk to her about it, she's with you so ...I mean you guys should be able to talk about things. I do something similar and some things worse but like...I have my reasons and I have CPTSD but it's not possible for me to say whether her behavior has anything to do with her PTSD and even if it did ...it is still hurting you so it should be talked about. Good luck.

 

[Friday]

I just want to ask a question to see if my sufferer is displaying traits associated with her c-PTSD, or if I am justified in how I feel.

I would challenge this first off. Even if it's 100% her diagnosis, you can still be justified in feeling that you don't want a partner who does this.

Am I right for being concerned, or is she totally within her rights to do this?

Yes. Meaning that

- She is well within her rights to send pics / have sex with a 1000 men/ wear nothing but orange paint AND want a partner who never questions her about it much less wants her to stop.

- You are completely within your rights to be very WTF??? This isn't okay / not what I want (to begin with) AND also not be okay with how she reacts when you do bring it to her.

I know that if it was a 'normal' relationship I was in and my partner was sending selfies to other men, I'd have every right to kick her into touch.

You still do have that right.

Seriously. PTSD isn't adopting puppy. You're in a relationship. You're not responsible for her / nor expected to put up with anything you wouldn't ordinarily put up with. Do we make allowances for PTSD? Eh. Yes/no. Much like being in a relationship with someone who is blind, or loves baseball, we all make adjustments for the idiosyncrasies of our spouses. We're not going to love and adore everything about them, at all times. Just like they aren't going to love and adore everything about us. Some things are going to irritate or baffle us... However... Those things don't cross the line into what we're not willing to tolerate / don't want in our lives. Dating? Is about finding out those things (hopefully, it really sucks to only find them out once you're married). Seeing if our *lives* can work together. Not just about whether or not we like the person, or love them. You can be head over heels in love with someone & it's still just not going to work (for any number of reasons). Love, all by it's lonesome, isn't enough to make a relationship work. There's a whole lot more that goes into it. If it's something you wouldn't tolerate in any other relationship, it just doesn't make sense to be miserable in this one, either, does it?

 

[Tyred]

Thanks for this. The trouble is whenever I do try and talk about it she sees it as an attack on her. Like I said I get accused of trying to control her, even just by talking and trying to find out why she's doing it.

It's just sore sometimes me supporting her all the time, with the old adage of 'treading on eggshells'. Don't get me wrong I do it out of my own free will and I'm more than happy to do so. But when the shoe is on the other foot it's not quite the same.

Thanks again.

 

[Tyred]

That makes a heck of a lot of sense, Friday. Thank you so much for this. It's not just me who feels that I shouldn't have to put up with behaviour that wouldn't be acceptable in other relationships.

I will try talking to her again and if I'm still not satisfied with her point of view (if we even get to the stage of her talking and not dismissing me as being 'just the same as her abusers') then there are big decisions to be made.

Thanks again

 

[grimalkin]

I don't know if it's a "trait" of c-PTSD or not, but it seems to be common among some sufferers - that is calling any emotions someone else (like a supporter) or questioning of their behavior as "controlling" and/or "abusive." I was accused of the same thing for having "negative" emotions (anger, stress, sadness), and even for some "positive" emotions. I was called abusive for just...having them and daring to let them into the open, in my sufferer's presence.

Then, when trying to help (sometimes even when it was solicited) or asking questions about his behavior, I would get called controlling, and no better than his (abusive) mother, or his ex-wife, whom he claimed was controlling as well (though I am beginning to suspect she wasn't as much as he claims).

I suspect the problem with emotions goes along with hypervigilance (any display is stressful), or maybe just that emotions in general tend to be confusing and overwhelming to some sufferers. Same for the "controlling." There is a lot of resistance to "having to" or "should" do something, and maybe even with compromise.

But, well, I'm not a psychiatrist, and I'm not certain. Just my own observations and musings on what I went through with my sufferer.

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks for this. The trouble is whenever I do try and talk about it she sees it as an attack on her. Like I said I get accused of trying to control her, even just by talking and trying to find out why she's doing it.

I will try talking to her again and if I'm still not satisfied with her point of view (if we even get to the stage of her talking and not dismissing me as being 'just the same as her abusers') then there are big decisions to be made.

I think you are questioning her because you are looking for her to give you an explanation that would make this all ok for you. I don't think you are going to get that explanation. She wants to live with you and connect with other men online. You want to be exclusive. (I would too.)

Even if she explains it all, you can understand it entirely, you are still totally free to not be ok with it. That's totally allowed.

Instead of trying to get answers to questions she is taking as an attack and refusing to answer, I'd focus on you.

I'd suggest using gentle but clear language that focuses on how this makes you feel. "When you do X, I feel Y." Then communicate to her in a gentle but clear manner, what your boundaries are and what you need in the relationship. Focus on how you feel and what you will do about your if she continues to make the choice to connect with other men online. Remember that boundaries are not about changing another person, but ourselves, and how we will manage our own lives in light of another's choices. For example, you could tell her that if she continues to send photos with other men, it's a dealbreaker for you, and you will do whatever you choose to do - perhaps take a break from the relationship or break up for good. I'd suggest emphasizing, "the choice is completely yours what you choose to do." And maybe then she will explain more why she does what she does... and perhaps consider how it makes you feel. Perhaps not.

 

[Tyred]

Ok I accept what you are saying. It is not okay for her to do this if I am not ok with it. I suppose the easiest thing for me to do is to accept that it is part of her condition, rather than face up to an ugly truth.

As for the communication with her, as she is liable just to pull the shutters down and start shouting 'controlling behaviour' instead of listening to what I'm trying to say, I'll write her a letter and disappear out for the day. That way I'm not in her face where she may feel threatened/abused/whatever. She'll have time to read it, go through all of her emotions, re-read it and try to process it before I get home.

If this fails then I'm afraid I've got a big decision to make.

Thanks for all the help and insights folks.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. @Tyred I disagree with your conclusions... that's one hell of a dynamic to set in motion in the relationship and sets you Tyred on track to stuff your opinions about your relationship with your partner. I'd advise establishing communication with assistance at whatever cost if need be rather than deferring to her dysfunction and accusations of "controlling behavior".

Notice that I'm speaking about communication... which is vital for any relationship of value. Don't set yourself up to be on the receiving end of your gf's calling the shots and actually doing the thing she's accusing YOU of - controlling your behavior and pivoting away from dealing with what is making you uncomfortable by accusing you rather than honest, open and candid communication.

 

[LuckiLee]

She sounds like the controlling one. Good luck with everything!!