Jamie Rose
first I,m sorry for your trauma I wish all your pain away. Your writing is just find. I can relate to you and your story.
Reading your story I found many comparisons to my self drinking far to much(that was the only way that I could get any sleep/pass out ) alcohol is a good mask for pain but you can turn yourself into a mess quickly. I went through Kaiser mental health in 1999/2000 I never finish it my life turned upside down lost my business, my wife,my home and at that time I thought life was over.(I won I'm still here)
I lived at the end of any logging road for between 2 and 3 years.
I also was a very active person I was a fisherman and deck hand on an assit tug working with log towers it was hard work you had to be I good shape, I worked cash buying wild mushrooms and other wild medical and food products worked in 3 states and 2 provinces. I work 16 to 18 hrs. per day 7 days a week for months on end ( I loved my work i never got tired or had a bab day) Until I finally broke in 1999 at the age of 44 my neck let go I have have 2 serious surgeries fused and plated 3 levels and 1 level fused on its own, before the surgeries my arms were almost totally un useable no feeling so it was had to holed on to anything.
I found myself in a real mess with drinking before the surgeries. My GP got me onto pain medication that work and treated my pain and I was able to leave the alcohol behind. I didn't drink anything for around 5 years,now I drink a little again not everyday and usually 1 or 2 drinks in the evening.
I went from someone on top of the world, I was in reasonably good shape.
Then I started to gain weight to 235 lbs. I'm now 195 and still need to shed some more. I was not doing well on the dr drugs so in 2011 my GP told me that I should try medical marijuana and Everything was going good I was getting more active and i took a fall and hurt my back hip and leg which I don't seem to be able to recover completely. So I have not been very active since. I started to walk a little more last summer that all came to and about 5 months ago I start with a rant went next to a panic attack and then back to majore depression, Now I only leave the house if I have too and it takes me starting the day before to get myself ready. I have become an emotional train reck, I have a hard time to drive it has turn into a real chore. I went back to therapy yesterday and I am to start EMDR therapy next week. They told me that it is a lot easier than talk and medication therapies I have had in the past so I remain positive and hopeful.
A little history on me I was sexually interfered/sexually abused before I started school by an older boy I think he was around 17 when it started. I did not realize what was happening until I was sent to a child physiologist after punching a tutor that rubbed his hard penis against my shoulder and I halled of and punch him as hard as I could. I never spoke to physiologist I didn't have to.
I new from what he was saying that I had been being mistreated and had been for 5 or 6 years. Drugs and alcohol came on the seen I was getting strapped at school and home almost everyday it seemed for acting out. By the time I was 13 my dad was tiring to teach me a lesson and kicked me out of the house and telling everyone not to help me.This was not long after my first concussion. Well sleeping at a hippie commune a door that was just proped up blew over and hit me in the nose I was sick for days after that. By the time I was 17 i was hopelessly addicted to drugs and crime,I was sent to adult prison where I was gang raped. When I got out I turned into a drunking lush that anyone could have there way. The abuse stopped when I was 22 years old the first Halibut fish boat that I got a job on was a 2 man boat. I worked hard on that boat getting it ready for the season with no pay. After the first day fishing we went in to port and he got me really drunk which was easy I was a lush. I woke in the morning naked and in a real mess. I beat that guy up so bad I didn't know if he would survive (he did) I am still beating myself up for that. I justife it by saying he had it coming and maybe he wouldn't do it again to his next deck hand.
I continued to drink quite heavy until I was about 47. I was married for 10 years until I broke down my neck let go and I mentally broke down 44 years old.
I could go on for ever I think so I am going to stop here for now.
I wish for you peaceful and pain free life looking forward
Be safe Esterio
