Can Anyone Relate To My Past? Spousal Abuse

[Sheera]

I know I'm going to regret this, I have never told my story here and I'm not ready to divulge much now either but I was wondering if any of you had experiences similar to mine... Amongst other traumatic experiences my main pain stems from my first marriage. I married a man who believed that I was property and for 3. 5 years that's what I was.. An object at his mercy I was mostly locked in a closet naked I had to earn everything, he loaned me out for others to use and abuse and while I was kept isolated he had a lot of help from his family and others... It's been 15 years since I got away I remarried 11 years ago and we have a 5 year old son.. My life is totally different now in every way yet I still abide by most of the old rules... I still fear everything and everyone I have been in therapy for almost 6 years, was diagnosed years ago with ptsd and recently with did (dissociative identity disorder) and while I'm hoping nobody else has experienced anything similar since that would be horrible but if someone had maybe we could talk about it..?

 

[Sheera]

Darn I'm stupid beyond belief... I couldn't write out the title and hit post by mistake and now don't know how to edit or delete it and I'm not sure how much I want this post up here... Im giving out way too much information

 

[Mim28]

@Sheera, you are very brave for sharing your experience. While I have not had the same experience, I imagine there are others who have had similar experiences. I am very happy that you escaped and have a new and wonderful life. I hope with continued therapy and the wonderful support you have now you will continue to improve. Hugs, Mim

 

[ladee]

You can click the "report" feature and see if admin or mods can remove your post.

 

[Sheera]

You can click the "report" feature and see if admin or mods can remove your post.

Thank you thank you thank you!!!

 

[Will86]

I haven't experienced anything similar as I'm a man.
You've found the right place to share your story.
Do not feel ashamed to share your experience with us, you are not responsible for what your ex partner has done to you.
It takes courage and strong will for a woman to go away and do what you did until now, rebuild your life like you did, you only deserve our respect and you should be proud of yourself.

I believe you are suffering from a very low self esteem which you can get back.
Martial arts can help you to overcome your issues, it is a great therapy and It really helps women who have suffered from abuse.
You can do boxing, judo, karate, whatever you like.
It is not about learning how to fight, it is about rebuilding your self esteem and other things that your ex partner has taken away from you.
Martial arts is like a religion in itself and can help you in so many way that you cannot even imagine.
I would suggest you to do some yoga and some meditation as well, it can also help you. Check it out ;)

 

[Sheera]

Thanks funny @Will86 I was just thinking about those two things... Martial arts and yoga.. I have fibro and arthritis and I know that if done right both of those could really help my physical issues as well.
I'd love to learn and practice both... But.. On the one hand unfortunately I can't afford lessons but even if I could I'm petrified of being touched and it's unavoidable in both those situations

 

[Will86]

Sorry to hear about your financial issue.. Maybe you can find another alternative, can your husband help you financially ?
Maybe it is a stupid example but I was really scared to death of sharks before until I decided to dive and meet them in person. I'm not scared of sharks anymore, I even love them now but I remember very well the first time I dive with sharks, I was almost paralyzed because of fear.
I believe the best way to overcome your fear is actually to face your fears and you end up realizing that your fears are almost always just an illusion.

 

[Sheera]

That's great that you got to face your fears and swim with sharks... My fears are different and I face them daily I'm afraid of noise, doors, food, people, sleep, men, touch, driving... Etc and everyday I get up and feed my family drive my son to school and activities interact with others etc.. And it's hard and it's exhausting and it's pushing my dissociative identities out.. Right now is not the time for me to add more I'm barely breathing as is

 

[Will86]

Yes exactly and please don't get me wrong, we cannot compare my ridiculous fear of sharks with your fear that are totally different as you say and very hard to live with on a daily basis. I was actually just trying to make a point by saying this about overcoming fear, not comparing.
If you don't feel ready and you feel like it's not the right time, you are right, don't push yourself.
You are already doing great. You are a good mother who takes care of her family despite what you have been through, I don't know if you are aware of it or not but you are really a very strong person. You are someone that can only be admired and I'm sure you will find a way to fix your issues, it's just a matter of time. You have already proven that anything is possible now. One inch at a time :)

 

[Freedomfighter]

I know I'm going to regret this, I have never told my story here and I'm not ready to divulge much now e...

I think human trafficking is experienced so commonly these days by guys attempting to fix their "property" up with others. Such behaviors surely show the horrible decline of our society. Any victims of such crimes I have sympathy for, however there is a difference between people that are truly abused like that and people who simply partake in such cheap behavior every day. The people that readily display and partake in such behavior I truly despise.

What you have gone through is so horrible it will most likely continue to place you into fearful reactions during different times. That is what happened to me when I was subjected to the aggressive behaviors of a criminal recently. The fear that breaks through is debilitating and I know exactly what you are going through.

The thing is this, once a victim learns of such predators and can fight them off successfully faster the better the victim is prepared to live the life they truly deserve and to never allow a cheap person to break into their own rich life.

 

[Friday]

Pieces, yes. Locked naked in a box day in and day out I've done. Property I've done. Traded, bought, sold. Not as part of spousal abuse, so that's different. But also as an adult, and in many ways the result of my own choices. Which makes things a bit complicated. My spousal abuse & DV piece, is a separate thing. But spousal abuse also, I've done. So, yes. I can relate in some things. I still periodically get this -pure uncomplicated joy- in being able to quit a job, or walk out of a room, or make a choice (that wasn't mine to make). Things people take for granted. Other times I find myself not moving from this small space, because I... No. Wait. I don't have to ask anyone. There will be no complicated fallout. I can stand up & walk over there. Doors are dicey though. On many levels. For many reasons, not just the locked in piece, or what closing a door can mean. What an open door means. I take a lot of issue with doors. And territory. And what belongs to me. Or not. What I'm allowed, allow myself, or not. Rules of many kinds. Or I get really frustrated that while locked in a box I had sooooo many options available to me (nothing but me, and the dark, and cement) that I just can't make myself do now. How could I keep myself in better physical condition then than I do with the whole world in front of me??? So many different little things. All attached to pieces of what was, and what isn't, now. Much of it very difficult to untangle.

When I first started posting on here I felt as exposed-exposed-exposed as if I had just given a DNA sample, fingerprints, and a satellite map with my house circled in red. I still feel that way sometimes. One of the things that comforts me is that couldn't be further than the truth. Look up the global stats on any of my trauma pieces? We're talking millions. Even the rarer things, that might only have -say- 10,000 in any given year, that's still over roughly 50 year timeline (since ages now & years these hints happened in vary a lot) easily half a million people. Imagine a football stadium. Could you pick out any one person in a crowd of thousands? Much less millions? Millions are the populations of whole cities.

Our stories are unique to us. But they repeat millions and millions of times over. As identifying as they might feel ? There are always those like us. Walking the street. Drinking a coffee in a cafe. Cheering at our kids soccer games. Our pasts invisible to onlookers. Never alone, though.