Can Anyone Relate To My Past? Spousal Abuse

[Ronin]

I can't afford lessons

And can you be an onlooker to the lessons? Depending how easily you pick up movement from watching others do the thing and then trying it on your own, you might be able to study that way, in your own time and comfort zone, while learning from others and in their proximity but not close enough to make you panic badly with touch safety issues.

 

[Sheera]

Thank you so much @Friday Ive never heard someone else say that they shared some of those 'other' pieces with me thank you for understanding my issues with doors and how difficult they are and how hard it is to move to make a decision and then how that backfires when I'll make a decision usually a bad one but because I made it im gonna stick to it come h*** or high water no matter what
I can't write more now even though I want to i can't stop crying and shaking enough but I'm going to try again later

 

[FireSign8]

My abuse started at birth. I left on the day I turned 18 & got into a "real" relationship (So I thought @ the time) & took another 17 years of abuse from my husband. I had to run to the other end of the state to escape him & all of his many "friends". To this day the fool still attempts to jab me with lies from his own perspective of his abuse on me & our child (now almost 40!). I got into heavy drugs & learned to enjoy the pain of abuse. Strange as it sounds, I was freed by taking myself & allowing others to take me to the edge of death & insanity. It worked for me, but I would never advise someone else to follow in my footsteps. I am in the process of writing a book about my experiences, so I won't give too many details of the things I had to experience to get to today. I'm just glad I'm still here!

 

[Finding Maeve]

I know I'm going to regret this, I have never told my story here and I'm not ready to divulge much now e...

Yes, you are not alone. I, and millions of women, have been where you were and are. My abusive ex was in my life over 20 years ago and it wasn't until I talked about it in therapy, with other women and through writing that I began to realize I could change and get my sense of self empowerment back. Women of all kinds, from all walks of life experience abuse. I found volunteering with girls and women in abusive relationships helpful because I could apply my non judgement and compassion for them to myself. You might find a support group or therapist to purge the haunting memories and express your anger and other feelings about it. Ultimately, I found the hardest work was forgiving myself and deciding I deserve better, not just in a partner but how I behave with others and toward myself.

 

[FauxLiz]

I'd love to learn and practice both... But.. On the one hand unfortunately I can't afford lessons but even if I could I'm petrified of being touched and it's unavoidable in both those situations

@Sheera , I understand your concern with both the cost and issues with being touched. My T has been encouraging me for over 2 years to try something either boxing or martial arts. I always blew it off as I can't stand group classes and the idea of someone touching me to either correct what I am doing or simulate an attack terrified me. Then last November without telling him I took a chance and signed up for a single private lesson at a Krav Maga studio. It was amazing for the most part. Never had to worry about others around me and I laid out the ground rules before we started of not touching me unless I gave permission. I won't lie still the first time he touched me to simulate an attach with my permission I have a knock down panic attack. But it gave me the courage to try mixed martial arts. I have been buying used equipment on Craigslist to use at home and have found several YouTube videos with classes.