Can Commitment And Relationships Be A Phobia?

[Me Myself and I]

I spend hours every single day thinking of this. Of being 23 and never ever been in a relationship before. I can't seem to let anyone get close to me, and if I notice that something is about to happen, I just push whoever tries away.

Can relationships and commitments be an actual phobia? Is it possible to be so scared and terrified to get involved in a relationship? Why can't I get over it? Why can't I just try and see how it goes? The fear is so strong that it is stopping me. Stopping me so strongly that I now doubt I will ever have my own family?!

 

[Life_in_the_Mist]

Well, just know that you are not alone. I am in my late 20s and have never been in a relationship. When you're in survival mode it is hard to focus on relationships.

 

[Me Myself and I]

When you're in survival mode it is hard to focus on relationships.

Are we going to be in this survival mode forever? Is taking me so much energy and pushing everyone away. And what makes it even worst, is that hardly anyone can ever understand. Rather instead they will label you as complicated and full if issues.

 

[stuff]

I've had two, but I didn't have my first until I was 25. I find it unbelievably hard to let my guard down, but I keep trying. I've learned something both times, and I hope that I will get to the point of being able to actually have something healthy and long term in spite of still having to cope with some ongoing symptoms. I tried online dating a few months ago, but it left me feeling hollow and more alone. I'm 36 now and I don't know if I will ever be able to have a family, but I have some really great, supportive friends, which is new and amazing. Baby steps, I guess?

I definitely push away at the slightest inkling of attraction. I'm trying to work though that.

 

[Me Myself and I]

I find it unbelievably hard to let my guard down

That's one of my biggest problems as well, and that is with everyone sadly, close friends as well. But I just can't do nothing about it.

 

[piratelady]

I struggle with the same thing. I try to take it slowly and be conscious of what I'm doing. For example, I'm in a relationship now and I am trying to be very self-aware. If I notice that I am pulling away or sabotaging my relationship I try to take a step back and look at what I'm doing, how I feel, why I'm acting the way I am. Usually if I do that I can see it is my fear that is driving my actions.

It's not a perfect way to go, but it's helping a bit so far. Baby steps.

 

[Me Myself and I]

It's not a perfect way to go, but it's helping a bit so far. Baby steps.

I really wish you the very best of luck with that. :)

 

[Life_in_the_Mist]

With me I will not only push away romance but also friends. It is like I want to reject them before they reject me.

 

[Me Myself and I]

It is like I want to reject them before they reject me.

I so know what you mean.

 

[piratelady]

I can relate to that as well. I often fear that once someone knows about my PTSD or self-harm they will reject me. That is one thing I am struggling with at the moment. How to face that and admit to him about that part of me. The fear of being rejected though has put me into a bit of a holding pattern. I don't want to reject him, because he means a lot to me, but at the same time I really don't want to be rejected. I haven't figured a way to fix that one yet.

Sorry if I'm taking over your thread.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can identify with you.

I only let people get so close and then push them away. I've never been "official" with anyone, but I've been in relationships where we did everything a couple would. I guess I need that "out" in that an official declaration of coupledom makes it harder to walk away; it makes me more vulnerable. The flip side of that is if the other person walks away, I can tell myself it doesn't matter because we were never together.

I try to change but inevitably end up in the same pattern. I don't want to be alone. I want to have people in my life. But feeling safe is a primary motivating factor. It pretty much trumps everything else. I don't generally feel safe around other people who try to get closer to me than an acquaintance.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I can't speak for other people so I'll speak for myself. Relationships especially romantic are huge triggers for me. Being in a position of getting close to someone means being vulnerable. And if you're like me then vulnerability is scary to you. It sounds to me like what you're doing is a bit of the PTSD avoidance. It's part of PTSD. I don't know if that helps but maybe it will give you some insight.